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| Sun, 03-14-2004 - 9:57am |
Combined with what I think are episodes of low blood sugar lately, I have been very lightheaded and shaky (at work Friday afternoon, my hands and legs were literally shaking visibly). And yesterday, I was so lightheaded, even after eating for most of the day in the hopes that it was low blood sugar, that I couldn't even sit up without feeling like I was going to faint...I ended up sleeping for 15 hours, probably a record for me! Eventually I made it to the store and got some Gatorade and Saltines (for the salt and electrolytes, thinking that my blood pressure might have been low), and after I ate and drank those, I did finally begin to feel better.
But for some reason I continue to eat unhealthy, sugary things...I was feeling all right this morning until I gave into the urge to eat a whole box of Junior Mint candy...and now once again I feel lightheaded...so I guess now it is my blood sugar again! My body doesn't usually seem to be quite so reactive to sugar, and I hadn't had the feeling of low blood pressure in a while...so I'm not quite sure what's going on. I think I'll make a doctor's appointment this week if this continues...although I don't think going off my medication is a good idea, even if it is causing these problems...I know my pain levels would shoot up. I've seen the doctor before about this low blood pressure problem, and he told me to drink a lot and eat salty things, which I've been doing...so I'm not sure what other options there are.
Anyway, sorry to go on about these issues...thankfully they are relatively minor compared to other problems I've had in the past. Emotionally I think I am doing all right... feeling pretty numb and exhausted and doubting my ability and my motivation to head to med school...but otherwise OK. I am planning to go weigh myself later today, though so my mood is likely to change...my body image is pretty bad right now since I think I have gained a good bit of weight...and I haven't had the energy or will to exercise lately...so I feel like my muscles have atrophied, and the fat has taken over!
This week is spring break in my college town, so all my 3 roommates are gone, and my parents and sister are also on (separate) vacations...the days at work have seemed increasingly long this week, maybe because I know what I'm missing! I guess that's one reason I've rambled so long here...I haven't talked to anyone lately...I even missed my therapy appointment this week because of a scheduling mix-up. But everyone will come back later today...I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not!
Overall, though, I am doing all right...I hope you all are too. I may post later today about an issue I have been thinking about...in short, I feel like I am not committed to doing much with my life...that I am just hanging on until I am "allowed" to leave...almost like a kid waiting to be excused from the dinner table! I read a list of "underachiever" descriptors on another forum, and almost all fit me perfectly...I feel like I am just passively going on with life, without following any dream or even doing what I feel I want to (if I even knew what that was!).
Does anyone else feel this way? I would like to think it is just a symptom of depression, but I think I have behaved and felt this way for as long as I can remember. I am so impressed by people who have drive and passion for even one thing in life...but I can't seem to get up a similar motivation myself.
Oh well, sorry to end on a somewhat depressing note...I will be thinking about you all during the week ahead if I don't get to post much...although I will try to get back to the board more than I have lately.
Thanks for listening,
Rose

((((((((Rose)))))))), I think you are doing a great job right now!
I hope you are feeling a little bit better after chatting with you tonight. Do look into the disability services at potential universities that u r thinking of going to, and see how they can accommodate to your needs. Just be honest with them, and I have confident that you will succeed. Don't hesitate to email me either if u want to talk too: giggles219@hotmail.com
Anyway, regarding your sugar level and your fainting spells or the feeling of fainting, it's a good idea that you go and see the doctor. If sugar never used to do that to you, you might want to have the doctors to check out your sugar level and hopefully things are okay there.
Anyway, I wish you luck in your future endeavours, and try not to give up, because I know you can do it! I have faith in you!
I hope this helped...Kristina
As much as I dislike the job itself, I will be a bit disappointed when I leave, I think, just because of the people and the feeling of having something kind of productive to do during the day...weekends are ironically the worst time for me since I have more time to ruminate, and since there is nothing I "have" to do, it is hard to motivate myself to do anything at all.
I haven't visited the Stress and Women board you mentioned, but I will look into it...I know I need all the help I can get in managing stress. Today and yesterday I have gone jogging and walking in a park near my apartment...and I think that has helped (although the jogging was a bit painful)...getting away from the computer and into nature (there are a lot of trails along a lake there) has been nice, even though the sun is setting by the time I can make it there on workdays! I haven't taken my camera out recently, but I think I will bring it to work tomorrow to use during my lunch break...no nature around there, but it is kind of an interesting run-down industrial area...I'm not planning on great photos, though!
That book you mentioned also sounds interesting, definitely a topic I could use some advice or help with. The title is just the way I feel a lot of times, that I wish I had a passion that I could throw myself into...I feel like it would give me a purpose and a direction for my energy. But I guess part of it may be that I am trying to define myself completely by my future career...my therapist has said to me before that it would help me to realize that there can be many parts to life, and that a career doesn't have to define you as a person...but that is hard for me to accept emotionally.
I agree that putting one foot in front of another is a good strategy a lot of the time... but right now I'm worried that by starting med school, I will be taking a huge, irreversible leap...I know that I will not have much time at all for my other (admittedly few) interests like photography.
It's strange...it seems like once I committ to one path, I very quickly come to believe that that path is not the right one for me. Maybe it's just an instance of "the grass is always greener"...but this has happened to me with my plans first to go to vet school, then to do photography as a career, and now med school. Next week I have an interview for a full-tuition scholarship at one great med school...but even though I have really wanted to go the medical route for a while, I am not so sure about it now...and I am having a lot of trouble "psyching myself up" for the interview.
I wish I knew why I inevitably feel this way...and how I can change that...maybe I should just say to myself, "I've made a decision, now I will follow through with it and be happy with it"...but I guess that's easier said than done! I spent a few minutes in a bookstore today during my lunch break and skimmed through a photography magazine...today a large part of me yearns to give up my current plans and be a photographer, as risky and uncertain as that path would be...but tomorrow I'm sure I will feel differently, as usual...last week I "decided" that vet school is what I was "meant" to do!
Oh well, I guess this would be funny if it didn't involve my own life! Thanks again for all that you've written to me...and for making it through yet another of my lengthy posts, if you have actually made it this far! Hope the rest of your week goes well,
Rose
As for the sugar problems, I was diagnosed with reactive hypoglycemia many years ago, when I was in high school (OK, not many years ago maybe, but it feels that way!). So I do know that my blood sugar has a tendency to drop too low after I eat sugary foods...but it hadn't seemed to be as much of a problem until recently...I actually feel a "head rush" while eating something sugary, and afterwards I get lightheaded and shaky.
I'm not quite sure how my blood pressure is related to this...as I think I wrote before, sometimes I don't know whether the problem is with my blood sugar or my blood pressure! A few months ago, I think, my doctor also diagnosed me with orthostatic hypotension (I may have mentioned this in my first post...sorry, I have been forgetful lately!)...so my blood pressure gets too low when I stand or sit up sometimes...but he thought that was caused by my medication...and the problem seemed to go away for a while...and it has only just come back.
I do feel much better today, though...I have been trying to eat and drink regularly, even though for some reason I don't feel at all like eating. I ended up going for a jog yesterday and a walk today in the park, and I managed all right (although the jog was probably not a great idea, especially since I was a bit lightheaded even before I started!).
Thanks again for talking to me in chat, and for posting to me here...I really appreciate it. I hope your classes are going well...I have faith in you too!
Rose