seeing the Dr....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
seeing the Dr....
1
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:22am
Hello again! I first posted here about a week ago... here is a link to my post http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-bhdepression&msg=43558.1

Anyway... I've made an appointment to see my Dr. next week. Today I'm visiting with a friend, and I'm going to ask her for some help watching my kids so I can go volunteer somewhere or something... something to do to make me feel like I'm doing something, and not stuck at home with the kids all the time. But, I definitely still want to see the Dr. It seems like for a long time now I will feel depressed, and then start feeling better, so I don't worry about it anymore. Whatever feelings I was having, I just tuck away somehow... but they always come back, of course. So, this time, even if I start feeling better, I'm still going to the Dr. I'm tired of this cycle.

I'm sure I'm the classic case of "putting everyone else's feelings before herself". I always worry about if my kids are happy, or my boyfriend. If I want to do something, and they all want to do something else, I do whatever they do. I rarely speak my mind, because I don't want to make waves. If my boyfriend has a stressful day at work, I sit and listen, and allow him to vent... but then I feel like "well, he certainly doesn't need me to vent to him about what I am feeling". He CONSTANTLY tells me we are a team... he is here for me for whatever I want to talk about, anytime. He is big about communication and honesty. So, why do I feel like anything I tell him will disappoint him, or upset him? If I tell him "no I don't want to do that"... or "when you do that it makes me mad"... or "I think if the kids behave that way, it's okay"... it's not like we are always arguing, or he nags me. He is a wonderful person... really. Why do I feel like I can't tell him how I'm feeling? I'm sure it's some deep, dark hidden thing. My whole life I've had difficulty speaking up for what I think is right. Now, I really need to find a way to do this. I need to do what is right for me. My boyfriend kind of thinks that if the Dr. puts me on meds, well, at least it is a start. But, how did people get along without these "happy pills" for so long? He sort of thinks that whatever is wrong with me, I can just snap out of it. Think about the good and positive things in my life, and realize that it really isn't that bad. I do realize that, but I cannot stop feeling this way... no matter how hard I pray and wish for it to go away. Feeling like I'm just a mom... who am I? How can I find myself? What do I like? Feeling useless and unimportant. I don't like these feelings. But, I think I'm taking the right steps to feel better.

Sorry this got INCREDIBLY long! Thanks for listening!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 12:32pm

Hi, ((((((Coolwxcx)))))))!

AcornLeaves