i really need you guys right now
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| Thu, 03-18-2004 - 6:37pm |
you know when the depression just HITS? i feel like my depression was a steamroller that ran me over today. i have been so anxious lately about the job situation- getting a decent job and being able to actually go to it as well. i don't know how i can make a good living and it is really frustrating. then i went to my gastroenterologist this morning who i had been waiting months to see about all of the new and horrible things that have been going on with my stomach- he told me that there is really nothing left to do except take this really extreme medicine. the medicine- lotronex- was taken off the market because people died and had serious complications. the only person i have ever met with the same thing as me took this medicine and she was hospitalized for weeks with an obstructed bowel and almost died. i have to sign releases to even get the perscription. i didn't want to take it before and i don't want to take it now. the doctor was pretty stern (then tried to be nice too) but told me that we had done every test and tried every med and this is all that is left that could possibly make me better. in my head i'm thinking, yeah, and it could kill me too.
after i left, i just got so down and i am just miserable now. and i just heard someone had said that i have "issues" and now that is in my head. all i have wanted for so long is to be NORMAL- not sick with my stomach not depressed, just functioning like a normal person. i am afraid that now will be the same as when i was a kid and not only will my misery make me feel alone and horrible, but will make everyone think i am too much trouble, weird, etc.
i know i have so many things going for me- a few good friends, my amazing boyfriend, my mom who i adore, living in a great location. but i am so scared of it all disappearing with me into a hole of depression. i am hoping this is a hormone thing too (do any of you get extra depressed before "that time" too? sorry to be personal). i am just really freaked out and really need some hugs and understanding. thanks for listening.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Voguegirl))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
That has to be extra scary about the med and everything.
Like I said before, everyone has issues. Your physical ones may seem more evident sometimes, but that doesn't mean anything. Do you have any idea how many people are self-centered, manipulative and cold-hearted? As I am just finding out, more and more of them. My new motto is: "There are a lot of weird people in the world."
I have experienced so much of your candor, kindness, compassion and support. You are a rare, lovely person. The pain you have been through has contributed to your depth of wisdom and understanding. I know it doesn't make the pain worth it, but it has helped to shape you into a remarkable person and friend.
I look around at these people who think that success, money, and looks are everything in life. It's such a soulless existence for them. When I beat myself up with those values, I feel worthless as well. But I appreciate how real, understanding, and giving you are. When I see that beauty in you, it's clear to me that those qualities are the most important in the world.
I know that feeling that the darkness is gaining on you. Let's help each other back into "reality," the reality that connects us and reminds us of what really matters in life. Because such truth is harder to see in ourselves than in each other.
Love,
MariaC
Hey Honey,
I am so terribly sorry that your doc made you feel so down, is he the only doctor that you have seen or have you seen others?
This medicine sounds not so great but if it is your only or last shot maybe research it see what you can do to prevent these side effects that it may cause who knows maybe it will be more of a help than not a help.
I know that you have alot going on in your life and going for you but that doesnt mean that all those great things will make us happy all the time at one point in my life I had all that I ever wanted a beautiful baby boy a man who loved everything about me anf made me feel beautiful a house that was mine but I still got really really down and angry that is part of life that is somethign that we all have to deal with at one time or another in out life.
Also none of us think that you are materialistic you are a kind wonderful lovng person.
I wish I knew exactly what to say to make you feel better just know that we all love you here and that we are always here for you whenever you need us.
Take care of you sweetie and feel better.
Erin
i could have written this myself. i know exactly how you are feeling sweetie. oh, when it is that time for me, i usually freak out. bf noticed. i get way more emotional and irrational. oh well, right? sending hugs your way. keep posting, you aren't alone. best wishes. ~s
I get REALLY bad before and after my period. In fact, this whole month has been absolutely terrible for me. I have polycystic ovary syndrome, and I have stopped all treatment to get everything cleared out of my system for when I go to see my gyno. So I think it has been a bad month due to my hormones.
Anyway, this isn't about me!
I think it is so awesome that you have such great support from your mom and boyfriend. That sure helps!
Keep us posted on this new medication.
Take care, I am thinking of you.
Pamela