not sure what I am trying to say anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
not sure what I am trying to say anymore
2
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 9:45am


Hi Ladies,

I am not to sure why I felt the need to post I dont know what to say all I do know is that ther is something spinning around in my crazy head that I need to get out but the words are so hard to form at this moment.

I have had to take sleeping pills almost every night this week just to insure that Iwill be able to fall alseep at a normal hour since Luis plays his tv or music so loud above my head and it ends up waking me up and making me very very angry bt I dont get up I dont say anything I just pull the covers over my head and try to fall back asleep I know that if I get up I will be up the rest of the night.

So I am going to my moms house on sunday to clean out my old room and maybe start to move some things into her house it is going to be such a process and something to get used to since she is used to living alone and I am used to living on my own not having to worry about anyone else but I think this will be good or at least I hope it will be good.

My baby Lola hurt her hind leg and is limping and crying and I feel like the worst person in the world but I am going to run home durring my lunch hour to give her the medicine the vert told me about and to make sure she is okay I love that dog so much she is what kept me alive when I wanted to die I dont know what I am going ot do with myself once she is gone.

I went out st. patricks day and had two beers and then went to my friend dans house he lives with jason that guy I have told you all about so dan and I are in the kitchen and I am asking him for advice I told him how my self esteem is shot because of the things that I let men do to my head the things I let them say to me he told me that I am a good person who is nice and sweet and that I should not let these guys make me feel like I do I told him that his roommate is one of those guys and he told me to aviod Jason to not call him back or not call him at all but it is hard when you are so attracted to someone but I am a glutton for punishment I guess.

The other night Luis had a girl over I dont know why my sister lets Luis do this to her but she is a big girl it is her life I just worry about Hannah she is a little girl who doesnt understand what is going on.

I can not wait to go to therapy next week there is so much going on in my head I wont know where to begin.

Life seems to be getting the best of me one minute I am in a great mood the next I am sad I guess I cant be alone with myself for too long, it is amazing what your thoughts can do to you and mine well they control me all of me I wish that I could boost myself up the other night when we were out I ahd people (men) come up to me telling me I was cute or very attractive hot ect...I just kept saying to myself it is dark in here it is a lie they are lying you are not cute you are fat and ugly you are a monster I met a guy named shannon he said that he would call me next week I have his number also but I want to see what he does I know that he wont call me why would he....

I know that I am not making a point or much sense I just blaber on and on I am a record it is always the same thing over and over again what is wrong with me I was looking at my arm the other day at the scars they go from my wrist all the way up to where your elbow bends on the inside of my arm and I just kept looking at them wondering why do I do these thing to myself do I really want to die why do I have pain why cant I just let it go i HOLD on to everything people leave I make them leave they cant stand to me near me to look at me they know I am filled with faults with anger with despair why would anyone want oto be around someone like me I am neagtive I am selffish my sister was right why would anyone want to talk to me be around me WHY?????

I am sorry I am just so I dont even know what I am I am just weak I guess worthless I cant do this anymore I really cant I am tired all the time tired of everything tired of being me

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 9:57am
hey sweetie! i know what you mean about if you are alone with your own thoughts for too long, it's not good. my mom used to make me get out of the house and do something- anything (even when i wasn't living at home) if my thoughts were starting to catch up with me. when that happens, i have found that keeping yourself busy really helps. i know that whole luis and your sister thing sucks, but at least you are getting out of there so there is some light at the end of the tunnel. i hate that you are so down on yourself, i wish i could hit you with a self confidence wand! :) if a guy doesn't call you, it's his loss and he probably wasn't worth your time anyways. it's the ones who are crazy about you who you want around! i am optimistic for you that things will be working better when you move in with your mom. it could be fun- my mom and i living together would be a blast. it sounds fun to me. feel better. i know times are tough, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 11:48am
Hi Irisheyes, HUGS. Im so sorry I have to run and I didnt have time to read all of your post but I wanted to send support to you. I was responding to the other messages from bottom to top and when I got to this one I realized what time it was!! I read the part that the person above you puts the tv on loud. Just think he is being inconsiderate. I would talk to him during the day about it so that you dont have to talk to him in the middle of the night. Its just silly what other ppl do. I also read about your dog and its ok I dont know why you said you feel like you are bad. Please take care of yourself so you can gain some confidence. Im the person who was talking to you in that chatroom remember, and we were trying to figure out how to talk otherwise. I have msn messenger and would still like to talk with you. ANyways please take care and Im sorry I couldnt read your whole message but Ill miss the bus and then get in trouble because Ill be late! Take care and I hope you have a great weekend. HUGS