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| Fri, 03-19-2004 - 4:38pm |
My name is Jennifer. I am 28 years old and I am the mother of three boys, a five year old, two year old and a 3 month old. In between the two year old and the 3 months old I had a miscarriage 9 weeks into my pregnancy and four months later I was pregnant again. I have a lot of fears about this new baby. I'm scared that something will happen to him. I love this little guy so much that it breaks my heart. And I'm so angry all the time. I get so mad and frustrated so easily. And when I'm not feeling mad, I feel sad or nothing at all. I cried last night because my oldest son came home with his things in a different plastic bag. I'm tired all the time. I go to bed dead tired and wake up tired and spend the whole day tired. The baby only wakes up once in the night time and he's really good at going back to bed after a bottle. And I'm forgetful, I forget where I park my car or what I was going to do.
My husband quit his second job to be at home with me more and help me out so I don't go crazy. Its hard to express to him how I feel or how he makes me feel. We have problems as a couple, we've always had problems. I never go counciling after the miscarriage, I thought that I was doing fine with things. Now I'm not sure that I am. I love my new baby but I can't help but be sad over the one I lost and want that baby. How can I feel that way? Hubby tries to understand but he doesn't really get it. I feel sad and sometimes I can't explain why I just feel sad and feel like crying. And he wants answers to questions I don't have answers for. I want to go to the dr. I want to know what is going on with me, but I'm scared to. I don't have any friends and I'm afraid to let my mom know how I am doing. To be honest, I'm not doing to well. Hubby was suppose to look into free counciling, he said the brouchers are gone since the new company has taken over and he hasn't said anything more. He hasn't suggested that I go to the doctors. I almost called today but I'm scared of doing anything without his okay. I'm not in a controling relationship. I feel like for this I need permission. I want him to say that its okay to go and call the doctor. He asked me if it could be PPD, I said that I didn't know. I looked up info on the web, printed some out, printed the test out and left it on the table. He picked it up, looked at the front page and asked me if I learned anything. What am I supposed to say? Yeah, pretty much every symtom to have PPD I have.
I'm sorry this is so long.
Jennifer

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Welcome Mum2twoboys)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am glad you found us here.
Hi, (((((Jennifer)))))!
Welcome!! I haven't been here very long myself, but it almost feels like a hug whenever I sign in and see the kind words of other members. I hope that you're able to feel the hugs as well...sometimes that makes all the difference.
First of all...don't ever feel like you're alone. It sounds like you have 3 wonderful children (and a little angel) who love you very much, as well as a husband who tries to be supportive. I am a stay at home Mom as well to one wonderful little boy...and I know at times that you can feel very isolated. I try to talk to my husband about my needs and he so tries to understand, but it's difficult.
I really think that you should try to contact your OB/GYN...I know for me, that was the doctor that I felt closest to, especially after I gave birth to my son. It may be easier for you to discuss your issues with him/her rather than contacting a doctor that you don't know very well. I'm sure that they are VERY knowledgable about PPD and can either help you, or get you in contact with a caring proffessional who can get you any help that you might need. Don't be scared of going to them..they are there to help, and they want you to feel better...just like you do.
I know that for several months after my son was born, I felt alone, scared, upset, angry....almost every negative emotion you can imagine...and that was only with one child. It was hard b/c I felt like I was supposed to be full of so much joy and it felt exactly the opposite. It slowly went away...but in the midst of it, it was one of the hardest things for me to deal with, so I can sort of understand where you're coming from. I've never lost a child, and I am so sorry that you had to go through that...just know that my heart goes out to you, and I'll be glad to "listen" if you need it!
Keep coming here and "talking"...hopefully the more you do, the less alone you will feel. :)
Lori
It was my MIL who suggested that we name the baby before we actually lost it. We knew for four days that I would miscarry and we kept praying that God would restore life into our little baby. We didn't know if it was a boy or girl so we picked a unigendered name. Five months into my pregnancy with our newborn I actually met a woman named Ryan at my ob office, its kinda funny strange. It gives the baby more meaning and makes it more personal and real. I actually miscarried at home, alone. My one pet peeves about myself is that I tend to shove my emotions away when its not convenient for me to feel them or deal with them and I used to be good at masking my true feelings (I actually still am to those who don't know me too well, I can look happy on the outside but be dying on the inside), the only person I can't lie to is my husband. He found the online ppd test that I took off of ParentsPlace and he found my score of 68, which I think was moderate to severe depression. He looked into the papers I printed off of the internet and became very concerned for me since even to him I fit a lot of the symptoms, he even asked if I could have had it before. We went to a Woman's Expo over the weekend just to see if there were any support or depresson information. I was surprised there was, it was good to get the information. On the way home that night he brought up finding what our insurance will cover as far as treatments, counciling and I asked if my doctors office would know also and he suggested that I call them. I called them this morning and I have an appointment with the NP who does the PPD screenings. I was told that this was the hardest step to take and from there it gets easier.
Is it possible that if I did have ppd before that I never got over the ppd? I've heard that it only lasts a year or can appear up to a year after birth (?), can it last longer than a year and with each birth can it get worse if it doesn't go away? I remember feeling so hopeless at a time after the birth of my second child. I actually was in the kitchen on the floor holding my head crying because I just felt so overwhelmed with life.
I actually read more than one book dealing with miscarriage. I would recommend a couple of them. They were more pesonal stories than clincial information plus some stories. It helped to read what someone else went through so I didn't feel so alone, but in someways I still couldn't relate to the books. I was early in my pregnancy and both women miscarried later in their pregnancy. It helped but it didn't.
Thank you so much.
Jennifer
Im the same way in wanting my fiance's permission for stuff. Its weird but I dont want him to be dissapointed in me. Sometimes I make a point in telling him what Im going to do even though I uncomfortable saying it that way. Please try to give yourself permission. You dont need permission from anyone to do anything. I know its hard but at least try.
It sounds like your husband is supportive. I know they dont understand a lot of things we are feeling and I suggest that you just ask him to support you even though he doesnt understand. Ive learned that they dont have to understand, I just need him to care. You know what I mean? Maybe you also would benefit from joining some kind of club, group or volunteer for something for a short period of time each week. I know you are tired but give it a shot! Just a few hours each week where you can get away, get back in touch with yourself and meet some people. Also try to take some nice time for yourself. Your hubby can watch the kids while you take a long hot bath. Oooh just feel those soothing bubbles!
As far as the baby you lost, Im so sorry to hear about that. I think that is a very normal feeling you have and its ok. What if you write a letter to your baby for closure? What do you think would give you closure? I hope this all helps and please take care ok!
I think there is also a PPD board in here somewhere that may give you more answers to your questions. Take care!