feeling worse and worse
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| Sun, 03-21-2004 - 1:52pm |
I posted here just once before. I am feeling so down. Its been getting worse and worse. I can't even remember when it started. I feel like all I do is clean the house and nothing I do is appreciated. I spend hours and hours cleaning and it still looks crappy. My kids do not appreciate anything. I have to scream and yell at them all ther time and they just look at me with blank stares. THey just take for granted that I will do all the work in the house. I have no time to do anything I enjoy,
My husband makes things worse. He just lays in bed all the time, eats , watches TV and sleeps. He will not lift a finger to help; He claims he is tired because he worked all week. I get so mad because he does not even help with the kids.
I have been crying and crying everyday. I find no enjoyment in anything. Every day is the same old depressing thing. I go through the motions of the day because I have to. I have to finish this class I am taking so I can get into a program I applyed for this fall. I need to move foward with my life so I go throught the motions of life hoping that one day this cloud will lift. I have been avoiding doing things I really enjoy because I feel so down. I always used to go to the gym. Now I go but I am not into it at all . I try and go through the motions but all I want to do is go back home and crawl in bed.
I keep thinking of how I would love to escape my life. I would like to take my daughter and leave my husband to raise my sons. I would leave the house to my husband and just go. I would be free. My daughter and I could get a small apartment somewhere. I would have some peace. Its not that I do not love my sons. I just don't know how to deal with them. They just refuse to respect me. Then I think, I can't just give up on them. If I leave them with my husband , what will become of them? He doesn't know how to raise kids. He will not push them to be the best they can be.
I had a really bad trigger this week that still upsets me. I had to get alot of my hair cut off. I spent $500 to have my hair thermally straightened last fall and they destroyed it. My regular hairdresser cut off 6". Now I am left with this short hair that makes me feel so unattractive. I don't even want anyone I know to see me. I hate the way I look. Everytime I think about it, I burst into tears.
I have no family or friends to turn to. My family is very small and its hard to talk to them . I have no close friends nearby. My really good friends are from high school and college and they all live out of state.
I hate feeling this way. I had a very depressive episode once before and that was years ago when I was 22. I was living with an abusive boyfriend at the time. I eventually worked my way out of it without any help or any meds. That was a real low point in my life. At least this time, I have my kids to pull me through.
If anyone out there has any suggestions, please post. As soon as the weather turns warmer, I am going to go for a bike ride or a hike or even just a drive in the country. That always lifts my spirits a bit
Monica

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Monica))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am hearing several things in your post. One is that you are feeling depressed.
Monica~
Hang in there.
Dona
Mommy to CJ {03.21.03}& Chantel {08.10.95} Step~Mom to Carrington {08.12.92}