feeling worse and worse

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
feeling worse and worse
3
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 1:52pm
Hi ,

I posted here just once before. I am feeling so down. Its been getting worse and worse. I can't even remember when it started. I feel like all I do is clean the house and nothing I do is appreciated. I spend hours and hours cleaning and it still looks crappy. My kids do not appreciate anything. I have to scream and yell at them all ther time and they just look at me with blank stares. THey just take for granted that I will do all the work in the house. I have no time to do anything I enjoy,

My husband makes things worse. He just lays in bed all the time, eats , watches TV and sleeps. He will not lift a finger to help; He claims he is tired because he worked all week. I get so mad because he does not even help with the kids.

I have been crying and crying everyday. I find no enjoyment in anything. Every day is the same old depressing thing. I go through the motions of the day because I have to. I have to finish this class I am taking so I can get into a program I applyed for this fall. I need to move foward with my life so I go throught the motions of life hoping that one day this cloud will lift. I have been avoiding doing things I really enjoy because I feel so down. I always used to go to the gym. Now I go but I am not into it at all . I try and go through the motions but all I want to do is go back home and crawl in bed.

I keep thinking of how I would love to escape my life. I would like to take my daughter and leave my husband to raise my sons. I would leave the house to my husband and just go. I would be free. My daughter and I could get a small apartment somewhere. I would have some peace. Its not that I do not love my sons. I just don't know how to deal with them. They just refuse to respect me. Then I think, I can't just give up on them. If I leave them with my husband , what will become of them? He doesn't know how to raise kids. He will not push them to be the best they can be.

I had a really bad trigger this week that still upsets me. I had to get alot of my hair cut off. I spent $500 to have my hair thermally straightened last fall and they destroyed it. My regular hairdresser cut off 6". Now I am left with this short hair that makes me feel so unattractive. I don't even want anyone I know to see me. I hate the way I look. Everytime I think about it, I burst into tears.

I have no family or friends to turn to. My family is very small and its hard to talk to them . I have no close friends nearby. My really good friends are from high school and college and they all live out of state.

I hate feeling this way. I had a very depressive episode once before and that was years ago when I was 22. I was living with an abusive boyfriend at the time. I eventually worked my way out of it without any help or any meds. That was a real low point in my life. At least this time, I have my kids to pull me through.

If anyone out there has any suggestions, please post. As soon as the weather turns warmer, I am going to go for a bike ride or a hike or even just a drive in the country. That always lifts my spirits a bit

Monica

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 4:22pm

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Monica))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I am hearing several things in your post. One is that you are feeling depressed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 5:04pm
Hi Monica, I'm sorry you're so down. I understand about the kids and the house. I used to be a total neat freak and now I am a SAHM with a 20 mos and a 3 1/2 year old. I clean and do endless loads of laundry and it doesn't matter how hard I work my kids will undo it all in under 2 minutes. This I believe is just part of the motherhood program and goes with the territory-lol. Appreciate it- forget it. It's unheard of. To be honest I didn't appreciate my parents until I had kids of my own. Now I'm saying " Oh, now I get it" Our kids will appreciate us, it just is something that will not happen for a while. As for not going to the gym- try to get yourself motivated. Excercise releases things in the body that help with stress and depression. It's unfortunate that we need excercise the most during this time but have no motivation to do so. As for your hair- I bet it looks great. Sometimes when we are depressed we look at everything in a negative way. Try to focus on what you like about your hair. Try to get some "you" time in. I like reading, taking long walks, taking a bubble bath, just things that help lift my spirits. Ask your Dh if he could watch the kids for 20 minutes while you take a bath. You work hard too. Raising children is no walk in the park. I was lucky, when my son was 6 weeks I left my Dh home alone with both kids for the first time to go out to dinner with the moms in my playgroup. When I arrived home Dh was pratically in the corner rocking. He said" How on earth do you do it?" He told me he would go to work any day of the week over what I go through at home. And he never questioned what I did at home and appreciates me "BIG TIME" (see my kids may not appreciate me but at least Dh does) Come here and vent as you need too. Sometimes just getting the stuff off your chest is helpful. Wishing you better days ahead~Jenn
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 9:03pm

Monica~


Hang in there.

Dona

Mommy to CJ {03.21.03}& Chantel {08.10.95}  Step~Mom to Carrington {08.12.92}