Unusual Issue has me down

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Unusual Issue has me down
4
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 9:58pm

Hello everyone,


Im here with a sort of out of the ordinary problem that has me really down.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 11:36pm
you know what? i don't think this issue is as unusual as you may think. my childhood best friend's father came out and divorced her mom when we were in middle school. we are still friends to this day and i have been one of her closest confidants through the whole thing. what i remember about when i found out was that i was sad that things were not going to be the way that they used to be (mostly just that things were changing- not why- i think it was the same i would have felt if they were just divorcing)and i was afraid that people would be mean to her or her family (this was over 10 years ago, and as you know tolerance was not quite what it is today). as it turned out, everyone was amazing. people were SO supportive and encouraging. they respected her father so much for the fact that he was being honest, and i think everyone understood that social norms had confused and pressured him- people seemed to get angry at that for him! :) now, he is living happily ever after with a man he met i want to say 7ish years ago. my friend considers him a second father and loves them both to death and is happy that they are happy. her mom remarried and was happy too. now that my friend is older, she is afraid sometimes to tell people about her dad for fear that they will be close minded, but NO ONE has EVER not been supportive and thought it was that out of the ordinary. we live in a day and age where families are rarely happy or "normal" and if you are happy, people will usually focus on that fact and not why. the only thing i would say is to avoid telling people that it was all a lie and you were miserable with your ex so as not to hurt him. i know that my friend's mom really struggled with thinking that there was something she had done to make her husband hate women- even though we all knew that wasn't what was going on. her parents are actually still friends (more so than any other divorced people i know!) and her dad always told the kids that he did love their mom, and it wasn't that she made him unhappy, it was that this was what was right for him and he had just been trying to deny it and couldn't anymore.

i would like to commend you on your strength and courage. i am sure this was really hard for you (and still is). but it is great that you are able to be honest with yourself and those around you now and be you. i think you will find that people are surprisingly understanding and supportive. and we all have our secrets or differences, and if someone doesn't understand or isn't supportive, then we are better off knowing that. good luck to you!!!

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anonymous user
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 1:41pm
Hi Mamabear. Wow, Im sorry that this is so difficult for you. I can only imagine. I know this issue happens a lot, and more ppl are coming out just like you. I know there are so many ppl in marriages who are homosexual and are afraid to admit it. Keep on reminding yourself that you are an extremely strong person.

What did you tell your friends that allowed them to take it lightly? Maybe they can help you plan what to tell ppl. My sister's brother-in-law admitted he was homosexual during a marriage and he had a 2 yr old son. Ill be honest, it didnt go over well with his family but after a couple of yrs the family is close again.

I honestly dont know what advice to give you...hmm. Its tough because Im sure some ppl will be angry with you because your husband was not told the truth in all this, but obviously you were in denial and I know you had good intentions. I really hope that this will work out for you.

If someone told me that, then I would think it was unfair to the former spouse. However I would understand that you were going through an extremely difficult time and I would be there to support you. I wish you the best, Take Care :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 1:58pm
Hey sweetie!

I think you need to do what will be best for you. I am happy that you have realized your true self. I can't imagine how hard it must be to pretend in that situation.

Take care

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 3:08pm

Mamabear~


I am so glad that you got out the "lie" that you were living in.

Dona

Mommy to CJ {03.21.03}& Chantel {08.10.95}  Step~Mom to Carrington {08.12.92}