Not sure what to say as title (triggs??)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Not sure what to say as title (triggs??)
5
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:20am
Hi to everyone. I am a 29 year old, mother of two wonderful, beautiful children. I was married. My husband passed away two years ago this past January. I got engaged in October last year. My fiance' is someone that have known since 1991. He is someone I love very much. I don't have a driver's license, and I don't have a job. I don't have any friends. I have my family that lives across the street, my children, and my fiance'. I'm a shy person. My fiance' is a race fan. He's going away Friday to see the NASCAR race in Bristol. He'll be gone Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. He's coming home on Monday. The tickets are free for him. I'm not sure, but I think the apartment he and his friends will be staying in while they're there is also free. I don't want him to go. I'm going to miss him so much. My mother says I'm possessive, imature, and childess. Why can't I just let him go?? I want to be able to just let him go without it bothering me. I want him to have fun. He deserves it. My mother says that he's 34 years old. He should be able to go. I agree, but I'm going to miss him dearly. He'll be going away to this race twice a year. We're getting married April 7. I don't know that I can handle his leaving twice a year. I do love him so much. I don't have friends. I have compromised with him before. He has been to this race before. He told me at one time that he wouldn't go back. He said when the guy got the tickets the next time, that he would tell him no. Later he told me that as the months went by he felt uncomfortable with his decision. He walked out on me last year in Febuary. This race was an issue last year. I feel like all I do is compromise, and he doesn't. When we dated years ago, I didn't like going to our local dirt track. So he would compromise. He would go one weekend, and the next weekend we would stay home. I have compromised. There is an aspect of something that I enjoyed, but he didn't. So I gave it up. I feel like everything I do, or feel, is wrong. I talk to my mother about how I'm feeling. She says I'm selfish for not wanting him to go. Why isn't he selfish for wanting to go?? Why is what I do and feel wrong??


Edited 3/22/2004 10:33 am ET ET by tally_2
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 12:03pm
I don't think your being selfish. I think it's reasonable to miss people we love when they go away. I do feel however that it's ok to let your fiance go. He'll only be gone a couple days and if you keep yourself busy during that time he'll be back before you know it. Since you're getting married in April do you have any last minute things to do for the wedding to keep your mind busy, maybe (since you don't drive) you could rent some kid friendly movies and curl up with your kids this weekend, or have dinner with your family across the street. And remember it's ok to allow yourself to miss him but I bet he'll be back before you know it. Hugs to you and enjoy your weekend~Jenn
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anonymous user
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:25pm
Hi tally. I can feel your pain and confusion. I think if you focus on yourself before you really focus on him, then you can clear some things up. Would you be willing to join group and volunteer for something a few hours per week? Maybe you can meet some ppl and make some acquantences or even friends.

I have the feeling that if you had friends of your own, then you would be feeling better when he leaves.

Before he leaves to do one of his trips, why dont you plan a girls day with your mom and other female relatives? You can do something you love to do like shopping, paining nails, watching movies, etc. You can also have a day exclusively for you. You can have a nice hot bath, go and get a massage, and do things you love to do on your own.

I think if you plan your own weekend before he leaves, then it will take the focus off of him and you wont miss him to the point of it ruining your weekend. I hope this helps. By the way, to my parents my fiance can do no wrong and I always am the dumb one so I know how you feel. I always am careful what I say to my mom because it just hurts sometimes.

I hope these ideas help. Then if you are happier with yourself it will be easier to deal with your problem with him. you may find that him going to do stuff with others isnt such a big deal to you! I hope it works out really well. Take care
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 3:21pm




Hi Tally!


welcome to the board.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 7:38pm
Hello Tally,

I think I know how you feel. It is very hard to describe to others the feeling that you have when your best friend leaves. My husband in the past has gone with brother and father sailing for several days. In fact, the last two times that he went, I had just had a new baby. I was beside myself with grief that he was leaving and at a time when I need him most. I would try to explain to others how I felt but it always sounded as if I was being selfish. I knew he deserved the time away. I did not begrudge him the pleasure of going on the trip; it just was so hard for me to except that he was going away.

I think that if we step back just a little and look at the situation that we will find that at the time that our love ones have chosen to leave has been during great times of stress. You’re being preparing for the Wedding and mine just after the arrival of a new child. The term that I think we are looking for is separation anxiety. During times of stress, we want the ones we love to be close. The fact that you are shy compounds things too. I to have trouble going out into public without a loved one with me. To think that I once ran and operated a pet sitting business all by myself, going to peoples homes and speaking to them but it was on a subject that I loved. The point that I am trying to get at is your feeling are justifiable and they are not selfish.

With that said, you do need to let him do that which he must no matter how hard it will be for you. We all need to have some time out to do the thing that we like or love. Is there anything that you love to do? Can you find a project that is something that you will enjoy doing? You can always come to the board and post.


Fate turned the tables on my husband recently and he learned what separation anxiety is like. You see he is under a great deal of pressure recently with the building of our new house. I had to go up and stay at our oldest daughters home to pet sit for her and her husband while they were gone. It was very hard on my husband. We have come to the mutual decision that I will not pet sit for our daughter until our house is done.

I want to assure you that your feeling are valid and they are your feeling (they are not selfish) just hard to explain to others. Caly, Jenn, and idreamy are right if you can find something to help keep you busy during the time that he is gone, it will help the time to go faster. Best of wishes on the wedding and good luck with the weekend. Please remember that we will be here on the board if you need us.

Warm Regards,

RainydaysArgon

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:27am
Hi Tally

I think in a healthy relationship there is always going to be compromise but you mention that you have 'given things up' for him. It is most likely that both partners will have some different interests and that is ok. You should keep doing what you enjoy even if it doesn't involve him and vice versa. You tend to lose a part of yourself when you give up everything to be with someone. You also make your world smaller and tend to rely more on the person you are giving things up for. This can lead to resentment.

It's ok to be apart for a few days here and there but i know it can be uncomfortable at times. Dig deep and find the things you really enjoy and do them while you have the opportunity. Everything will be fine.

Christine

CL