a little scared...in search of courage
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| Tue, 03-23-2004 - 11:04am |
my therapist said I have to go to rule out any physical issues that would be affecting my depression, but my rising anxiety is making me think this might qualify as a phobia! i have had really bad doctors in the past. they never made me feel like i deserved to be treated. I always felt like they didn't believe me when I said I hurt somewhere. now I am scared because they are not going to be happy that I have not been in for years. I will know they dissaprove. I know that I look for approval too much, but knowing that and changing it are two vastly different things.
Also, I am terrified that there will be something wrong with me. I have had back pain, stomach pain, unexplained weight gain and loss, migraine headaches, and just about a dozen more constant health yucks for the last few years. I worry I have ulcers and cancer and just about every illness you read about in magazines and the paper. Maybe I am a hypochondriac, or something.....I am just scared. But I will go. and I will follow dr. orders, no matter what he says.

Doctors are people just like everyone else. There are good ones and bad ones. I've had some really bad experiences with doctors as well. In the past 6 years I have had two different female doctors who have been incredible. I'm so happy to have found them. I moved away from one, but found someone just as fantastic in my new town. Medical schools are now over 50% female. Consequently, there are more compassionate, caring doctors out there now. I found mine by asking good female friends who their doctors were.
I'm so glad that you are getting to one, especially since you have cancer in your past. This is so imperative for you.
I know that feeling of wanting approval from others. I have it in spades! My dh asked me if I would be upset if Hitler disapproved of me. I said yes! I take stuff personally even if the other person is clearly an evil psycho.
All we can do is work on that.
Remember that being at the doctor's is only an hour of your time. You can always get a second opinion. That's what they are for. You know your body better than anyone else, so if the doctor dismisses what you report, then find a new doctor. You have that right!
Doctors are not gods. My brother is a doctor. I'm sure that he's an OK doctor, but he's made plenty of mistakes. I sure wouldn't want to go to someone like him because he's a narrow-minded jerk. He's said some pretty obnoxious things about people, patients, and illness. He didn't believe in a disease that I had until 5 years after I was cured of it. He had to wait for the medical journals to recognize it before he believed his own sister! That's pretty frustrating.
So I hope you can try to keep in mind that you are doing this for you. The doctor doesn't know everything. Be true to yourself and your own knowledge about your body. And if the doctor isn't what you need, then find a new one. You are the customer, after all!
Good Luck,
MariaC
Hi Sara and welcome!
Its totally natural to be scared of the unknown sweetie.
*hugs