new here and need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
new here and need help
4
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 12:00am
Hi

I am new to this board. I think I am depressed....actually I know I am depressed but not sure to which degree. I hope this doesn't get too long. I am 28 years old with 2 children ages 4 and 6 both girls. I have been married since 1997. AH where to start....Ever since my first daughter was born I think my depression has been taking its toll on me. I gained 100 pounds since then and am now very overweight. I used to be thin and fairly active. My marriage has never been very good. I get alot of insults from my husband about how "I am no good" basically. A recent comment made by him was that I am a wast of space because I forgot to pay a bill. I hear his little nags and degrading comments all the time. It is starting to hurt more because I know my children hear this and I am so afraid that they will grow up thinking that I am a failure and believe the things my husband says to me. My husband doesn't yell at me or hit me or swear at me. I hear things mainly like "that was stupid" , "use your head", "you lack common sense" "your useless" "you do nothing" "you never help" and my favorite "your a waste of space". I am at the point now that I just don't care about anything. I am not taking care of myself properly....not watching what I eat to try and lose weight, I have a hard time keeping our house clean and keeping meals on the table because I am in a I just don't care mood. I feed my family but it is usually simple simple stuff like soup or a sandwich. Anything beyond that for me is a lot of work.

I am tired all the time and sometimes feel like I could just stay in bed forever. I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror. I cry alot. I am having no fun in my life at all. Recently which has scared me the most is that I have been having thoughts of .....I don't want to say suicide because I would never do that.....but the thoughts cross my mind like "I could just end it all if I jumped off a bridge". It isn't something that I would act on but it crosses my mind I guess you could say a hopeless feeling.

I am not sure if I am depressed because I gained weight or gained weight because I am depressed. I am not sure if I am depressed because my husband makes me feel useless. I don't know ....I am very confused. I am afraid to seek help and do not want to take antidepressants of any kind.

I stay at home right now. I am a college student and have 2 semesters left to finish my psychiatric nursing. Yep I study things like depression and here I am! I had to take 2 withdrawals from the program, the first time was because I have endometriosis and adenomyosis and I got very very sick and ended up in emergency with a severe hemorage requiring a blood transfusion and emergency hysterectomy. The second time was this January because I had a daycare problem and was unable to go to school. So I am waiting for September to finish my next 2 semesters.

In 1997, my older brother was involved in a serious car accident which left him paralyzed from the neck down on a ventilator. He is pretty much in the same condition as Christopher Reeves.....You may have seen my brother on the news...he recieved a diaphragm pacemaker in clinical trial. Anyways...it has been extremely hard on my family more than you could imagine. I have trouble handling my families emotions when I am so messed up myself.

I don't know what to do from here....maybe some of you can relate or share some advice that would be great. I am so fed up with being like this. Thank you for reading.

Tammy



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 12:42am
I know where you are coming from, the part about being depressed. There is no easy fix, I have gained weight with both of my pregnancies, I have gained 60 pounds. Wow- I can't believe I even admitted that. I haven't been cooking for my family, either. I am just so tired all the time and I am married, stay at home mom, 27, with a 2 year old girl and a 5 year old girl.My grandmother passed away suddenly two weeks ago, and three days later my father committed suicide. I cannot even describe to you what I am feeling right now. We did not have the money so that I could go to my grandmother's funeral, so I had to sell my wedding ring to be able to go to my father's. I would never kill myself, but I sure would love to just be in Heaven, surrounded by happiness. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 1:58am
First of all, you are NOT a waste of space. Ever. I don't remember who said it, but someone important once said that no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. Would it be possible to express to your husband that his insulting you hurts your feelings? I understand if you feel like you can't - I've been in a very similar situation for years with my mother and have had umpteen shrinks tell me to express my feelings to her. But it is SO scary to think about damaging one of the few relationships in my life that's keeping me afloat.

I also know exactly how you feel about wanting it just to all go away sometimes. It's never that I want to commit suicide, it's just that I wish I could simply cease to exist. So I focus on why I want, why I need to exist. Of course it doesn't always work - somehow I always feel like its vaguely inappropriate to feel like I have any worth - but it does make me feel better (or it distracts me).

I've been depressed...well, for as long as I can remember. But clinically so for six years. There are crap days and good days. But the good days are there. Today I feel like crap - like the world sucks, and I suck, and that I just want to crawl under my desk and hug myself because no one else is going to do it - but maybe tomorrow I won't feel quite as empty, or maybe something will happen to distract me from the lostness and emptiness for a little while.

Keep going, Tammy. You can do it. All my best hopes and prayers and wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:02am

Welcome to our board, ((((((Tammy))))))!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:44pm
Hi Tammy,

Wow, you have been through a lot. I envy you still keeping up with your schooling- you should be very proud of sticking with that. I agree with the previous post, take the quiz and see a dr. That can rule out lot of physical possibilities, thyroid, blood sugar,etc. You may not want to take any meds long term, but you might benefit from something short-term to get you to a more level thought process. It is scary to have thoughts pop into your head about dying, in any manner. Meds can help with that, too. When your hubby says things that are hurtful, tell yourself that what he says is not true, and ask yourself why he is trying to make himself feel, bigger, better, more useful ? Maybe he if feeling bad and putting you down to try to make himself feel better. No matter what his reason, your daughters will be learning that that is how a man treats a woman. At some point, you will have to help them understand that that is not acceptable.

For now, get yourself feeling better and go from there. Prayers are with you.