Need someone to talk to...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Need someone to talk to...
4
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 7:37am
I really need someone to help me out. I have been feeling depressed for as long as I can remember, and it seems to be only getting worse. I've tried going for help, my efforts thwarted all along the way. Nobody cares really, it seems. I am unhappy in my marriage, my husband and I can't or don't talk to each other much, and I seriously need somebody to talk to. My mother and I are not on speaking terms either, and I don't really have a good support system. I can't do this alone, it is too much for me to handle and I can't do this anymore. I pray, I try to talk with my husband but he gets defensive and is too conceited to want to listen to me, I don't want to talk bad about him to our friends or relatives because I don't think that is right, but I NEED an outlet, a 3rd party support, someone who will listen, help me sort things out. I am in complete torment over this man that I love, but he can't see it. Just takes everything personal and out of context, and doesn't want to deal with me. I get so angry that I scream, yell and sometimes throw things, knowing that it will not help me and just make me look even crazier. He has no respect for me and is happier out in the street with his friends or taking apart one of his damn weapons in the house. He is so immature...he says that I "keep him grounded". Wow, that's a real compliment coming from you...whatever...what are you doing for me...hmmm...(drawing a blank here)...

When we first met, we were both in a stressful situation, and it seemed like we were there for each other just at the right time. But then we got married, and stressors didn't stop. My sex drive went down because of this, even though his was still in pre-marital bliss over-drive. It would hurt sometimes, and he would come on too strong at times for me, but he would put me in a guilt trip if I didn't put out (you don't love me, etc). Now the sex is ok, but I feel we don't communicate at all. As much as I care for him, I am sick and tired of being blown off. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I can't sleep at night ever, just thinking about this man lying next to me who sleeps like a baby! My pain, feelings, they only affect him when it suits him, and I feel like it's my fault for letting him become this way, that I didn't define my boundaries in the beginning, and I have allowed myself to be forced into a box. Maybe love is blind, but if I had known that things were gonna turn out like this, that my husband was gonna being a real jerk, I don't know if I would have been so fast to let him put the ring on my finger.

I am considering moving out and living on my own, I don't really have many things of my own and I am far from and family or friends who I am cool enough with to help me out. I just started a new job and I have been taking some courses on-line to try to regain some of my own life, my own independence back. Living in this house with my husband is close to impossible some days, and I feel that we are both making each other miserable, him by doing nothing and blowing me off, and me feeling all of the chores and emotional burden. I guess maybe he feels that I will just go away if he just does nothing, nothing to help me or this relationship. He goes out, works, comes home, sits, reads a book or gun magazine, sometimes doesn't even look up, or deliberately ignores me, and I am feeling very lonely in my own house. When he's horny, he always seems to come sniffing around, and I guess sex is easy. Love and trying to make this relationship work is hard and I've tried. I can't seem to do it alone, effectively, and I don't really want to have to go through all of this again in my life. Just making the same mistakes over and over again, and the worst part is, I KNOW but I can't seem to fix myself and make things right. I just want to be happy...

Sometimes I feel that we may have rushed into things, getting married with out really knowing each other, or what we (mainly HE) really want. I've asked, tried to just do things, and even expressed how I feel, but I can't get anything out of him. I suppose I can't get anybody to do anything, not for me...because nobody really cares...not that I can blame them...too busy with lives of their own...I'm a big girl, why can't I do this? I'm always doing things for others, but I guess I'm just not important enough to want or need help. But that's all ok...they will miss me when I'm gone...or maybe they won't...life will go on with or with out me...should I leave...stay...just go away...who cares...I'm a nobody...nothing...I am so angry...I just want to be happy...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 8:35am
((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((WELCOME)))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

Oh, hon, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am sending you huge hugs, and lots of warm sunshiny love. I think it is good that you are trying to do things for you that you enjoy. Personal independence is great. I worry that you are taking too much responsibility for this, though. You are right, if you feel this bad you can't do it alone. I know you said you have tried to get help and have not been successful. I had the same problem until I had a real nervous breakdown. I know it's not right or fair, but that's the way the system goes. You might want to go to your local hospital ER and try to get an evaluation. If you do this, make sure to tell them everything just like you told us. I know the first few times I looked for help, I was so sure noone would care or believe me that I didn't really show how deeply I was being affected by all the issues in my life. Once I did, all of a sudden people were falling over themselves to get me help.

As for your husband, please don't feel responsible for his issues. You need to concentrate on you. As for the sex thing, I have a similar problem. What I have learned to do is to tell my husband that I will not have sex when I am not feeling loved and cherished. I tell him that I love him, but I cannot let sex be something only for him and his pleasure. Then I give him specific examples of things that make me feel that he loves me for me: a good conversation, rubbing my shoulders, complimenting me without being asked, asking how my day was, etc. It is scary to start this, but it worked for me. My husband now realizes that he can't be gone all the time and expect me to be ready to hop in the sac the minute he gets home. I know your hubby doesn't seem very concerned, but if you start being strong for you, maybe it will get his attention.

I am glad you came to this board, and I hope you feel welcome and get some great support. I know this board has made my life so much better. I know everyday that there are all these wonderful ppl who think about me and are sending support my way. Now we can all do that for you!

take care

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 8:49am

Welcome to our board, Chrispbj!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 5:48am
Hello again. It has been a while since I have been on. I hope you are doing well. Thank you for the kind words of advice. I guess I'm here again because I had some kind of a "relapse" and I can't sleep because I've been obsessing about it. Relations between my husband and I have gotten better. I just try to relax and not stress over too many things as much. But I guess I got too stressed out today and when I didn't get the response that I felt I needed from him, I freaked out and started going off on him. I wanted him to make me feel like he understood me. I think I panicked when he went "cold" on me, and I guess I felt that I was being judged in some way. The same way my mother makes me feel when she's decided that I've disagreed with her because I think that she is wrong, but she is right and I am wrong. I am a "bad" person for "arguing" with her. It's like I try to find a "happy medium" for a situation ("I'm not trying to argue with you, let's just agree to disagree, it's really no one's fault, I'm not making a big deal about it, etc) but they both say that I am because I just don't (or can't seem to) "drop it". It could be over the smallest, stupidest, most trivial things. I just want him to acknowledge the fact that I, too, sometimes get insecure and that some of what's bothering me is all in my mind. But I have to tell him that his behavior towards me in the situation bothers me too, because it makes me feel "bad" or like I am an idiot, like he is better than I am somehow, kind of condescending. I said some things that probably hurt when usually think(overthink) before I speak , but I guess I felt like I had already been tried and convicted of being "evil" and/or "stupid", and my defenses went up. Of course, they don't help, and probably add more fuel to the fire.

I guess my whole life's work has been dedicated to "proving" that I really am a "good" person, to my mom, my husband, myself, that I am "smart". And, being somewhat of a perfectionist, it seems that good is never good enough. I have to try to be better, smarter...I am a passionate person when it comes to the people I love, and I never want to hurt them intentionally, I am and probably will always be this way. I can also tend to act "indifferent" like nothing or nobody bothers me. I let things roll off my back so I can function without letting too much emotion or "passion" get in the way of logical, rational or practical thought. I am an intellectual, cold and calculating, it seems at times. I'm always thinking even in my sleep. But I am also a very deeply emotional person with feelings. I am depressed, conflicted and confused, but I don't trust anyone enough with these feelings that I have to talk about it. I feel like this is my problem that I have to take care of myself, that no one else will really be able to understand it how I do. Even if I try to explain, it will probably just confuse people more...

This little episode in my life has really disturbed me. I'm disappointed with myself that I haven't been able to "work things out" with myself, and just lets me know that the problem is still here and that it's probably not gonna just go away with time. Venting every once in a while helps, I guess... It is late so I'm gonna go now...

Take care,

CrysJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 11:10am

Hi again, CrysJ!

 

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