healthy to NOT take on obligations?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
healthy to NOT take on obligations?
8
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:11am
a friend went through overeaters annonymous: she told me: "never say 'should.'"

i thought that was a great positive change: no 'shoulds'. i had been an overachiever & stretched thin.

but when is something a "must" vs. a "should"?

sometimes i don't want to take on activities - from going out at night with friends to not going to my volunteering.

is that anxiety taking over? is that me being lazy?

-or-

is that me just doing what i want for myself?

maybe i want to just go to a yoga class or chill w/ DH.

where's the line? do you have to be involved in your community or socialize lots to be healthy?

i think i want to avoid strict obligations when i can b/c so much of my life has been about strict obligations & musts. i just don't want a schedule to follow. is that healthy?

 Katrina
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:33am

(((((((Katrina))))))), you are asking yourself a great question!

AcornLeaves
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:10am
Hi Katrina, I like the not using the word "should" idea. I try to avoid it myself. Im guessing that part of the reason you are confused (for lack of better word) is that

1. You are really used to saying "should" and not sure how to replace it

2. Saying "must" can make us feel like you have to do something

Well, I wouldnt just replace all the "shoulds" with "musts" because it gives a feeling of "I have to do this and I have no choice whether I like it or not", well thats the feeling I get from it anyway.

I would replace it with "I am going to.." "I want to..." Even if you dont want to do something because it is fun, and you want to do something because it will make you feel satisfied and proud in the end..say "I want to". If you really really dont want to do it but you know you are obligated, then say "I am going to". I dont know, they are just ideas.

ABout the line to draw between doing things, how about b4 you do something genuinly ask yourself if you want to do it (such as a social gathering). Think of what it will be like when you get there, and if you think you will be happy after that you went. I often imagine AFTER the situation. If I can imagine having fun with friends but still feeling sad b/c I wanted to hang out with dh then I would stay home. You can also set a specific day you and dh stay home and dont see anyone.

Hope this helps and take care :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:20am
I think the desire to do less is entirely healthy. I received some insight on this because my depression trigger has been the loss of a marriage and then the loss of a relationship in less than a year. I've been reading "Mars and Venus Starting Over" by Dr. John Gray. One thing we as women have a tendency to do is take on too much and give too much to others to keep from feeling our own pain and needs. We do this because the emotional pay off results in not feeling the pain of needing and not getting what we need. Let me quote the following passage to illustrate what I mean:

"Although she is busy all the time, she is actually very lonely inside.

She is giving , but she is not getting what she needs in return. Most impor-

tant, she is not giving to herself. When a woman gives and gives to others

but does not feel supported in her life, she will eventually become depressed.

The major source of depression for women is feeling isolated. The more a

woman pushes love away, the more isolated she feels. Eventually her ability to

feel love, joy, appreciation, and trust diminishes."

It's okay, necessary even, to set boundaries. I am finding this out. Right after my divorce and subsequent break-up, I couldn't take on enough. Now I'm dealing with the burn-out. I'm feeling better mentally because someone has explained to me what I'm doing and why. But you can't effectively give if you're not getting "filled back up". Take time for your own healing. You can't be any good to anyone else if you're not being good to yourself. I've never tried it, but I hear yoga is a real good start. I'm thinking of looking into it. Hope this helps.

Cheri

starthrower68@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 7:05pm
i've had years of therapy & each therapist always told me i was very together, healthy - not depressed. but i'm emotionally vulnerable & a lot of the world can stress me out too much. sensitive, high strung.

even enjoyable situations make me uncomfortably hyper.

talking myself out of it isn't possible b/c there are no conscious thoughts.

it's just physical it seems.

i am overly avoiding any new obligations though.

socializing makes me stay up all night w/ insomnia afterwards.

any ideas to fix this? thanks!

 Katrina
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 12:39am
Katrina, I would suggest that you do some reading about introversion and extraversion.
AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 9:15am
Hi,

I hope this means there's no clear definition of what is 'healthy' vs. 'unhealthy.'

hopefully the fact that i'm not that social after getting married isn't 'unhealthy.'

i will look into the book you mentioned - does it sanction being introverted or high strung or whatever combination one is?

or does it recommend changes also?

thanks! Kat

 Katrina
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 11:09am

This book presents 16 different personality types.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 3:48pm
Hi Barbara,

Thank you for your ideas.

I feel better with the examples & info you provided.

I have free time on my hands for the first time in my life- and I've always felt pressure to "be successful." I changed my life b/c I decided that my own values were not necessarily the standard, conventional ones. Some days I feel like I'm supposed to return to those past goals: prestigious corporate career advancement, ever-growing social circle, etc.

I am so much happier though now that I have freedom!

I do lack positive feedback from others who get the importance of spiritual/personal/creative fulfillment over traditional lives.

Others who have been through depression relate on those intangible levels! very cool.

Thanks! Kat

 Katrina