New here...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
New here...
14
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:30am
I have been reading the posts here over the past couple of days, and I am surprised to see how comforting and supportive everyone is. I guess I didn't expect to find a support group type of setting on the internet! I will introduce myself; My name is Tracy, I am married, mother of two, stay at home mom. The reason I am here.... two weeks ago my life changed. I have been a pretty upbeat, positive person for most of my life. Lately, I feel like I am not myself. My paternal grandmother (whom I was very close to growing up) passed away suddenly at home. I guess you should kind of expect that sort of thing as someone ages, but I honestly never thought I would lose her. She seemed so vibrant, so healthy. I am glad that I stayed in touch with her, I live 1100 miles away from where I grew up, and all of my family is there. I had just talked to her about a week before she passed away, and it hit me hard when she was gone. In the back of my mind, I still picture her in Connecticut sitting in her kitchen with her poodles, it's hard for me to think she will not be there when I go over to visit. I try to stay focused on the good things that can come out of bad situations, so I focused on how close we were, how often I visited with her, all of the great memories I have with her, and how much she truly enjoyed my phone calls, full of the latest antics of my two busy little girls. OK. So, I was handling that pretty well, I think. Then, three days after my grandmother died, my father committed suicide. I am still in shock, I think. I feel like I am in a nightmare, it's like a soap opera or something that happens to other people. I am really in a bad place now, I don't like the way I am feeling. I don't know what to do with myself, I can barely wake up in the morning, even caring for my two innocent daughters daily has been a true struggle for me, and I feel so guilty, and sad, and ANGRY! Not angry at my father, but at my mother, brother, and sister. I have to give you some background here so you can understand the situation better. My father was a big part of my life when I was very young. Although he and my mother divorced when I was two, they shared custody of us, so we would spend weekends at my father's house. We did alot of fun things with my Dad, he was a very active, social, out-doorsy kind of guy. We had picnics, we went bike riding, he even helped us build a clubhouse in the "woods" (the cluster of trees on the side of the house). I try to keep those things in mind when I think of my father. When I was seven, my father began using heroin. I didn't see him or hear from him again until I was 21. We began writing each other, and calling back and forth. I saw him one night when I visited Connecticut, and we went out to dinner. Then, he relapsed, and went back to doing drugs, at which point we lost touch. I have not seen him or talked to him since. This was six, almost seven years ago now. I was financially unable to attend services for my grandmother, and my father was at her wake. It is my understanding that my father approached my brother, my mother, and my sister at the service and wanted to make amends. He apologized and asked my brother and sister if it would be possible to exchange phone numbers. He was rejected, three times over, and spoke harshly to. He was already in a very bad state of mind over losing his mother, and the rejection was too much for him to bear. He told his girlfriend that he was leaving the service, leaving this situation, leaving his life behind. He told her that would be the last time she ever saw him again, and he left. He overdosed on heroin that night. I feel like total crap for not letting him know that I cared about him, and I feel terrible that I wasn't there at my grandmother's wake. I would not have rejected him, and I feel like if I was there, he would not have left, he would have stayed to talk to me. Well, that's what is going on now. I am on Zoloft, but I don't think it is hepling. My husband is not helpful at all. He is not used to seeing me like this, neither am I! I don't know what to do. Any advice, or anything?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2002
In reply to: nessa_faith
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:56am
Good Morning Tracy -

I am so sorry to hear about your losses!!! I will be praying that God will comfort you. You are soooo right, this is a great place for support. When I found this board I was so happy. Since you feel that your Zoloft is not helping...I would call or go and see your doctor. Maybe you need an adjustment or a medication change. My doctor recently changed my medication because Celexa wasn't working for me and now I am on Wellbutrin and it is working great!!! Enough about me. Again, we are here for you!!!!

God Bless Ya Sister

~Jen~

Anne
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: nessa_faith
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 12:19pm
Hi Tracy and welcome to the board....

I want to tell you how sorry I am for the loss that you have suffered in your life it is alot to take in, I dont know if I could have been as strong as you are in the same situation.

I agree with Jen talk to your doctor let them know that this medication is not working for you they may increase it or change it, your husband he probably feels a little helpless since he has never seen you this way he probably feels like he doesnt know what to do or how to help you or what the right words to say are.

I know how you feel about your grandmother for me it was my sunt she helped raise me she passed away in 1995 at 92 years old she was everything to me and I was devistated when she passed away I am still not over it I still can not go to her grave without crying my eyes out...But I sit and remember all the good stuff we did or the great food she cooked she was awesome i loved her so much, just try to remember all the good things you did with her the talks you had those memeories will last a lifetime.

As for your dad I am sure that the rejection that he felt from you siblings and mother was very hard for him to take under those circumstances I am sure that they have a lot of anger towards him but they should not have acted that way at his mothers funeral everyone deserves a second chance if they are deserving of it and I think that it is great that you were willing to give him as many chances as he needed I gave my dad a second chance but he didnt deserve it but this isnt about me so I wont go there.

you mentioned that you lived in Connecticut I live in Connecticut born and raised here I live in Stamford actually but planning on moving back to Arzona in about a year....Well anyways I just wanted to welcome to you to the board please post as much and as often as you would like.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: nessa_faith
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 12:46pm
Oh, Tracy, I am so sorry to hear about all of these losses at once. This is truly a trial, isn't it? My heart goes out to you.

I happen to disagree with the other responses, in that I'm not sure that changing your medication, and dealing with the inevitable new side effects, etc. is such a good idea, since you are stressed enough as it is. I would however, ask my doctor for a referral to a psychologist, just to get you through this hump. If you can't afford it, maybe there are some organizations in your area that provide free counselling or counselling on a sliding scale. I would also look around for some grief groups in your area, especially groups that deal with survivors of family suicide. I realize that you probably don't feel like getting out much, but I have found that these groups really help, and if you could just force yourself once, you might find it beneficial.

It is sooo important for you to remember that your dad's suicide is not your fault. Your father's suicide was a result of his heroine addiction and a resulting inability to handle the downs of life (like being rejected by family members). I suspect he probably had depression, as well. And, unfortunately, untreated depression is a cause of suicide sometimes.

Hope this helps just a little, Tracy. Try to find the time to be kind to yourself right now.

Big hugs,

Janine

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: nessa_faith
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 1:35pm

welcome from one Tracy to another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2004
In reply to: nessa_faith
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 2:10pm
Tracy hugs to you dear. It is a terribly trying time in your life and I hope you can find some help within your local community;(mental health association/church). The point is you've just been handed a whole lot of grief in one moment of time. It's overwhelming. I know because I experienced losing a family member by sudden heart attack and within less than a year, another relative by suicide. Words can't express the shock and pain.

The zoloft (given the right dose and time) can help, but you need a network of friends, professionals, for support right now. Coming here is one outlet, but it would be good if you could find a circle of support nearby. Your husband simply may not know how to support you the way you need for him to right now. He's most likely afraid, since we tend to fear what we are unsure of. Please remember men handle these types of situations completely differently than we females do. It doesn't mean he has no concern for you.

Keep in mind the suicide was your dad's choice. No one else can take that blame. No one else should. In life there's a million "what if's" but we can't say for certain how things might have gone given another choice. Don't beat yourself up over it. We are given golden opportunities to learn from all mistakes and I see your life with your beautiful daughters a gift of opportunities. I wish you the best dear and please keep us posted. There's a lot of caring folks here and at the 'fighting depression' support board. Hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: nessa_faith
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 3:14pm

((((((Tracy)))))), my heart goes out to you.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
In reply to: nessa_faith
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:24pm
Thank you so much for your response. It feels so good to have so many people that care. Prayers are so welcomed! Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
In reply to: nessa_faith
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:28pm
Thank you for responding to my message. I grew up in Waterbury. It is so neat to know that there is someone from home on this board! Thank you so much for your kind words, they really mean alot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
In reply to: nessa_faith
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:42pm
Thank you so much for reponding to my post. Your words really spoke to me. You're so right, I really don't feel like getting out too much right now, but my doctor actually did refer me to a psychologist. I'm not sure that changing my medication would help, either. This is the first time in my life that I have ever been on any meds at all, and I am hoping that I will not need to take them for the rest of my life, I do not want to become dependant on them, I don't even know if you can. I have free counseling available to me through a program at my husband's workplace, but I have not found that to be of any help, really. The hardest part in all of this for me is that I really do feel guilty. Logically, I know that I shouldn't, and my father made his own choices, but deep down, I just KNOW that this would not have happened if I had been there. That kills me inside. That's why I don't think increasing the Zoloft dosage will help at all, because it will not take the pain away, and it will not bring my Dad back, nor will it ever give me a chance to talk to my father again. I feel like, if I could just have five minutes to talk to him... I know it's useless, but I keep praying that the Lord will let me have a dream where I can spend time with him. It sounds kind of childish, doesn't it? When I told my husband those things, he told me that he's beginning to wonder if I have a mental problem. But, isn't it normal to feel that way? I know that I am kind of rambling, but thank you all so much for just letting me vent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
In reply to: nessa_faith
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:45pm
Thank you, Tracy, for your kind words. I will read the links you gave me. I am just so glad that I found this board. I do not believe in coincidence. Thank you so much.

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