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| Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:30am |
I have been reading the posts here over the past couple of days, and I am surprised to see how comforting and supportive everyone is. I guess I didn't expect to find a support group type of setting on the internet! I will introduce myself; My name is Tracy, I am married, mother of two, stay at home mom. The reason I am here.... two weeks ago my life changed. I have been a pretty upbeat, positive person for most of my life. Lately, I feel like I am not myself. My paternal grandmother (whom I was very close to growing up) passed away suddenly at home. I guess you should kind of expect that sort of thing as someone ages, but I honestly never thought I would lose her. She seemed so vibrant, so healthy. I am glad that I stayed in touch with her, I live 1100 miles away from where I grew up, and all of my family is there. I had just talked to her about a week before she passed away, and it hit me hard when she was gone. In the back of my mind, I still picture her in Connecticut sitting in her kitchen with her poodles, it's hard for me to think she will not be there when I go over to visit. I try to stay focused on the good things that can come out of bad situations, so I focused on how close we were, how often I visited with her, all of the great memories I have with her, and how much she truly enjoyed my phone calls, full of the latest antics of my two busy little girls. OK. So, I was handling that pretty well, I think. Then, three days after my grandmother died, my father committed suicide. I am still in shock, I think. I feel like I am in a nightmare, it's like a soap opera or something that happens to other people. I am really in a bad place now, I don't like the way I am feeling. I don't know what to do with myself, I can barely wake up in the morning, even caring for my two innocent daughters daily has been a true struggle for me, and I feel so guilty, and sad, and ANGRY! Not angry at my father, but at my mother, brother, and sister. I have to give you some background here so you can understand the situation better. My father was a big part of my life when I was very young. Although he and my mother divorced when I was two, they shared custody of us, so we would spend weekends at my father's house. We did alot of fun things with my Dad, he was a very active, social, out-doorsy kind of guy. We had picnics, we went bike riding, he even helped us build a clubhouse in the "woods" (the cluster of trees on the side of the house). I try to keep those things in mind when I think of my father. When I was seven, my father began using heroin. I didn't see him or hear from him again until I was 21. We began writing each other, and calling back and forth. I saw him one night when I visited Connecticut, and we went out to dinner. Then, he relapsed, and went back to doing drugs, at which point we lost touch. I have not seen him or talked to him since. This was six, almost seven years ago now. I was financially unable to attend services for my grandmother, and my father was at her wake. It is my understanding that my father approached my brother, my mother, and my sister at the service and wanted to make amends. He apologized and asked my brother and sister if it would be possible to exchange phone numbers. He was rejected, three times over, and spoke harshly to. He was already in a very bad state of mind over losing his mother, and the rejection was too much for him to bear. He told his girlfriend that he was leaving the service, leaving this situation, leaving his life behind. He told her that would be the last time she ever saw him again, and he left. He overdosed on heroin that night. I feel like total crap for not letting him know that I cared about him, and I feel terrible that I wasn't there at my grandmother's wake. I would not have rejected him, and I feel like if I was there, he would not have left, he would have stayed to talk to me. Well, that's what is going on now. I am on Zoloft, but I don't think it is hepling. My husband is not helpful at all. He is not used to seeing me like this, neither am I! I don't know what to do. Any advice, or anything?

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I am so sorry to hear about your losses!!! I will be praying that God will comfort you. You are soooo right, this is a great place for support. When I found this board I was so happy. Since you feel that your Zoloft is not helping...I would call or go and see your doctor. Maybe you need an adjustment or a medication change. My doctor recently changed my medication because Celexa wasn't working for me and now I am on Wellbutrin and it is working great!!! Enough about me. Again, we are here for you!!!!
God Bless Ya Sister
~Jen~
I want to tell you how sorry I am for the loss that you have suffered in your life it is alot to take in, I dont know if I could have been as strong as you are in the same situation.
I agree with Jen talk to your doctor let them know that this medication is not working for you they may increase it or change it, your husband he probably feels a little helpless since he has never seen you this way he probably feels like he doesnt know what to do or how to help you or what the right words to say are.
I know how you feel about your grandmother for me it was my sunt she helped raise me she passed away in 1995 at 92 years old she was everything to me and I was devistated when she passed away I am still not over it I still can not go to her grave without crying my eyes out...But I sit and remember all the good stuff we did or the great food she cooked she was awesome i loved her so much, just try to remember all the good things you did with her the talks you had those memeories will last a lifetime.
As for your dad I am sure that the rejection that he felt from you siblings and mother was very hard for him to take under those circumstances I am sure that they have a lot of anger towards him but they should not have acted that way at his mothers funeral everyone deserves a second chance if they are deserving of it and I think that it is great that you were willing to give him as many chances as he needed I gave my dad a second chance but he didnt deserve it but this isnt about me so I wont go there.
you mentioned that you lived in Connecticut I live in Connecticut born and raised here I live in Stamford actually but planning on moving back to Arzona in about a year....Well anyways I just wanted to welcome to you to the board please post as much and as often as you would like.
Erin
I happen to disagree with the other responses, in that I'm not sure that changing your medication, and dealing with the inevitable new side effects, etc. is such a good idea, since you are stressed enough as it is. I would however, ask my doctor for a referral to a psychologist, just to get you through this hump. If you can't afford it, maybe there are some organizations in your area that provide free counselling or counselling on a sliding scale. I would also look around for some grief groups in your area, especially groups that deal with survivors of family suicide. I realize that you probably don't feel like getting out much, but I have found that these groups really help, and if you could just force yourself once, you might find it beneficial.
It is sooo important for you to remember that your dad's suicide is not your fault. Your father's suicide was a result of his heroine addiction and a resulting inability to handle the downs of life (like being rejected by family members). I suspect he probably had depression, as well. And, unfortunately, untreated depression is a cause of suicide sometimes.
Hope this helps just a little, Tracy. Try to find the time to be kind to yourself right now.
Big hugs,
Janine
welcome from one Tracy to another.
The zoloft (given the right dose and time) can help, but you need a network of friends, professionals, for support right now. Coming here is one outlet, but it would be good if you could find a circle of support nearby. Your husband simply may not know how to support you the way you need for him to right now. He's most likely afraid, since we tend to fear what we are unsure of. Please remember men handle these types of situations completely differently than we females do. It doesn't mean he has no concern for you.
Keep in mind the suicide was your dad's choice. No one else can take that blame. No one else should. In life there's a million "what if's" but we can't say for certain how things might have gone given another choice. Don't beat yourself up over it. We are given golden opportunities to learn from all mistakes and I see your life with your beautiful daughters a gift of opportunities. I wish you the best dear and please keep us posted. There's a lot of caring folks here and at the 'fighting depression' support board. Hugs.
((((((Tracy)))))), my heart goes out to you.
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