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| Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:30am |
I have been reading the posts here over the past couple of days, and I am surprised to see how comforting and supportive everyone is. I guess I didn't expect to find a support group type of setting on the internet! I will introduce myself; My name is Tracy, I am married, mother of two, stay at home mom. The reason I am here.... two weeks ago my life changed. I have been a pretty upbeat, positive person for most of my life. Lately, I feel like I am not myself. My paternal grandmother (whom I was very close to growing up) passed away suddenly at home. I guess you should kind of expect that sort of thing as someone ages, but I honestly never thought I would lose her. She seemed so vibrant, so healthy. I am glad that I stayed in touch with her, I live 1100 miles away from where I grew up, and all of my family is there. I had just talked to her about a week before she passed away, and it hit me hard when she was gone. In the back of my mind, I still picture her in Connecticut sitting in her kitchen with her poodles, it's hard for me to think she will not be there when I go over to visit. I try to stay focused on the good things that can come out of bad situations, so I focused on how close we were, how often I visited with her, all of the great memories I have with her, and how much she truly enjoyed my phone calls, full of the latest antics of my two busy little girls. OK. So, I was handling that pretty well, I think. Then, three days after my grandmother died, my father committed suicide. I am still in shock, I think. I feel like I am in a nightmare, it's like a soap opera or something that happens to other people. I am really in a bad place now, I don't like the way I am feeling. I don't know what to do with myself, I can barely wake up in the morning, even caring for my two innocent daughters daily has been a true struggle for me, and I feel so guilty, and sad, and ANGRY! Not angry at my father, but at my mother, brother, and sister. I have to give you some background here so you can understand the situation better. My father was a big part of my life when I was very young. Although he and my mother divorced when I was two, they shared custody of us, so we would spend weekends at my father's house. We did alot of fun things with my Dad, he was a very active, social, out-doorsy kind of guy. We had picnics, we went bike riding, he even helped us build a clubhouse in the "woods" (the cluster of trees on the side of the house). I try to keep those things in mind when I think of my father. When I was seven, my father began using heroin. I didn't see him or hear from him again until I was 21. We began writing each other, and calling back and forth. I saw him one night when I visited Connecticut, and we went out to dinner. Then, he relapsed, and went back to doing drugs, at which point we lost touch. I have not seen him or talked to him since. This was six, almost seven years ago now. I was financially unable to attend services for my grandmother, and my father was at her wake. It is my understanding that my father approached my brother, my mother, and my sister at the service and wanted to make amends. He apologized and asked my brother and sister if it would be possible to exchange phone numbers. He was rejected, three times over, and spoke harshly to. He was already in a very bad state of mind over losing his mother, and the rejection was too much for him to bear. He told his girlfriend that he was leaving the service, leaving this situation, leaving his life behind. He told her that would be the last time she ever saw him again, and he left. He overdosed on heroin that night. I feel like total crap for not letting him know that I cared about him, and I feel terrible that I wasn't there at my grandmother's wake. I would not have rejected him, and I feel like if I was there, he would not have left, he would have stayed to talk to me. Well, that's what is going on now. I am on Zoloft, but I don't think it is hepling. My husband is not helpful at all. He is not used to seeing me like this, neither am I! I don't know what to do. Any advice, or anything?

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