I need to vent couldnt stay away!!!!!
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| Thu, 03-25-2004 - 10:05am |
I just could not stay away I missed you guys even though it was only what one or two days I love you all and I love coming here.............
I had something nice happen to me yesterday I got a telescope I love watching the stars and looking at the moon and one of the guys ordered me a telescope here at work and I thought that was the swertest thing that anyone has done for me he also got himself one so I was playing with it yesterday it is so cool also one of the guys here was talking with me and we were talking about diet pilsl and what not I told him that I wanted to buy one that was super strong so I can drop like 15 pounds before the summer and he told me that I didnt need that and he said I havent known you my whole life but for the time I have known you this is the best that you have looked I thought that was sweet of him I said thank you and just smiled I thought that was sweet also...
Okay onto the vent part I wanted to share the nice things first..
On monday I didnt go to work I packed more stuff and braught it to my moms house I went into my sisters room she had a vase of mine in there and I wanted to take it with me I never gave it to her I let her borrow it and she also had another thing of mine but I dont know how to explain what it is it hold poporie (Spelling ver bad) so I go in and pack those two things away my sister comes home notices those things gone yells to me to not go into her room and take things I told her they were mine and I wanted to pack them she says when are you leaving anyways I told her by friday or saturday she said good that she is going to throw a party once I leave in celebration of me moving out of the house I just kepy my mouth shut and went about my business I could have freaked on her and went off on her but I bit my tongue really really hard and kept my mouth shut which was very hard for me to do considering my anger issues...
I go to therapy last night talk about things I tell Marnie that my sistr has made my worst fears come true my whole life I have always felt unwanted abandoned by my dad unloved stupid fat ugly ect....and these past few months my sister has made me feel all these things all over again just when I was starting to let it all go she braught them back so strong that I am stuck right now Marnie thinks that my sister is upset because she feels that I am making her make a choice between me and Luis I dont want her to do that I just want her to listen to me talk with me be near me I dont want her to ignore Luis but I also do not want to be ignored invisible non existant but I am that at least to her I am.
I also told marnie why I am afraid to meet people why I feel that they will not like me once they see the real me once they see the scars on my arm I mean they go from my wrists up to where my elbow is how do you explain those away to someone or the burn marks on my hands that I did to myself how do I tell someone that I can not handel my own emotions that I hide it all that I bury them and then when it gets to be too much I cut myself burn myself how do you tell someone that you are bipolar and that you take meds that your minds is messed up how do you tell someone that you have boutsof extreme saddness and anger and frustration how do you explain that you really are not the person they thought you were?????
The last month I have wanted to cut myself so bad I wanted to just release the pain the anger it took all I had to not do that it took all that I had to not hurt myself but I hurt myself everyday I know that I hate myself and no one seems to understand how much I hate myself I do not think tha tI am worth anything I think that I am stupid I think that I am fat and ugly and I think that I am a piece of garbage a monster I am not what you all think that I am I am not always nice I am not always a good friend I can be mean and hurtful.
What did I do I dont get it what did I say or do so bad so wrong to be like this I must have been a very bad person in my past life and this is my payback people hate me my dad hates me my sister hates me my dad didnt want me so he walked away from me my sister doesnt want me so she is making me leave what next my mom??my friends? my job? why doesnt anyone want me why cant I just me normal why cant I act normal why do I have this pain inside of me why do I hate myself so much what happened to make me hate myself ?????????????
I dont know I just dont know anymore I dont know what is real and what isnt I beat myself up every second of everyday I need to do something I need to get my control back everything is so out of control in my life and I hate it I know I am someone who lives on caos I know tht when things are nice and smooth and quiet I think that something very big and very wrong is going to happen and when it does happen I feel better I need to have hectic things in my life I can not live without it I need to change that I do not like when things are quiet it freaks me out.
I stopped vomiting I do not do that anymore although at times I will do it if I feel too full I need to get it out of my body I take my water pills as needed once a month I ran out of diet pills I need those back the excersize is not helping I need something more I weighed myself on monday I am about 108lbs I have gained 15 pounds that is not coool that is unacceptable that needs to change I was happier when I was thin..I know alot of you dont get it alot say 108 is thin but until you have gone thru this and until you feel this way you will never get it for someone like me 108lbs is like 300 pounds when I look in the mirror I see a 300 pound person looking back at me I feel huge I feel like a failure when I was thin I felt like I did good that I was good tht I was pretty now well now I feel fat and ugly and out of control like if I at something I will not be able to stop and I will kepp eating and eating until I explode.
Then there is the fact that I have the jitters that I need to be doing something busy movng around my thoughts are constant my head is never quiet I can think of a million different things in one minute things I want to say do places I want to go to people to call moving packing leaving my dog seeing my son flying ect.....I JUST WANT IT TO BE QUIET!!!!
Erin

((((((Sweetie)))))), I am going to start writing this before I finish reading your whole post.
Thank you so much for your reply I do not know where you always find the words even when things are not going great for you, it seems that you always take the time to listen and be there for others.
You are a great person I feel so lucky to have you here on the board.
Erin