New here...could use support (triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
New here...could use support (triggers)
3
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 6:36pm
First of all I'd like to say thanks for having me. I don't know what took me so long to look for a support group. Well...I guess I do know. I, like so many others, think that I have to bear this burden alone. I'm just so tired and I'm actually glad to be here. It represents a turning point for me. Here's my story. I've dealt with depression all my life. My dad died when I was young and I grew up in a house with a distant (and depressed) mother who later married an alcoholic. My youth was was chaotic (which included various kinds of abuse) and I spent most of it in an alcoholic daze. I moved out as soon as I could get out of the house and continued to drink and party for many years. By some stroke of luck I met a great man and got married. I stopped drinking, but things did not improve for me. Without my crutch (alcohol) I became a mess. I had to be hospitalized twice for depression. After my last hospitalization, I felt that I had overcome my past. I went back to school, completed my degree, got a great-paying job..and then...bam...it hit again. For some reason my body decided I should enter premature menopause, so my hormones got all messed up (and are still...and right now I can't go to the doctor because I am unemployed and have no insurance). I couldn't take the stress of work (loooooong hours with a less-than-understanding boss) and I quit. I didn't regret quitting because I felt the work place was toxic, but I didn't count on not being able to find work after that. That was over a year ago. We had to sell our house...make all kinds of changes because of the loss of my income. My husband has stood by me the whole time...and at times that makes me feel even more awful. I feel he deserves better. That I've created this huge mess. I've been working temp jobs, and was lucky enough to find a long term one recently. Now I think I've messed that up. I've started feeling so guilty that I feel into a dark hole and now I'm feeling very depressed...worthless and wasteful. And my husband is still standing by me. Why do I feel so unworthy of his support? I feel that I should just leave...go away...quit creating so many problems. I've called a therapist I had seen in the past and left a message asking her if she could recommend a free clinic or something so that I can get some help. I really need it right now. I don't see things getting better until I get some help. I can't keep falling into this like I do and I can't keep dragging others down with me.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Any input is welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 7:00pm
Are you currently taking any medication and do you have any one you can talk to, like a counsler or psychologist? I have dealt with Bi-polar almost all my life (I am 24), and its so hard for me sometimes to function in life; to get up and go to work, etc.. You said that you have found a job? If you have maybe they have an Employee Assistants Program that you could use. Please don't feel alone, there are a lot of people out there who are going through the same thing. Your husband deserves you, and you deserve to be happy. You have hit a low point in your life, but things always have a way of working out. I do have one suggestion that has worked for me, I keep a journal to write down my thoughts whether good or bad. Until you can see a counsler start writting down your thoughts and feelings, just let them flow on to that paper. Don't feel alone:-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 7:36pm
Hi and welcome. I'm glad you came to this board. There are so many wonderful women here and they all have great advice and are a wonderful source of support.

How great of your husband to stand by you and be so understanding thru this. Please don't feel that you are dragging him down. You didn't ask to feel this way and you didn't ask for the childhood you had.

Leaving the 'toxic' workplace was a good decision. It's hard to feel better when their is stress all around you.

I hope you are able to see a therapist soon----in the meantime----keep posting. We'll be here for you.

Debbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 8:39pm

Welcome,