how to be supportive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
how to be supportive?
3
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 4:38am
i am new to this board. i suffer from depression but my question pertains to a very good friend of mine. he recently got seperated from his wife and toddler kids (sometime in dec '03) the circumstances surrounding the reason for his leaving werent very moral (i guess? basically he was having probs already got inv with another woman who he thought loved him as he did her, but turns out she screwed him over and hurt him badly emotionally) now he is having second thoughts, doubts about having left. he has been really down and depressed lately esp with missing his little ones (ages 3 and 2) he adv me that he had been having problems with his wife before all this happened but now he is mad that he didnt try harder or that he didnt give it his all and is confused about what to do.

me and him started dating about a month ago tho we have decided to stop since he is still having doubts. i try to be as supportive as i can and being there for him when he needs it but frankly i have no idea what to do or say when he starts getting upset and mad at himself for falling for this other woman.

since i know what it feels like to be depressed, i can see where he is coming from but i dont know how to be supportive or what to say when he gets this way, esp when he starts getting mad at himself and hating himself for what happened. i am afraid taht he will go back to his wife just for the kids only and having grown up with parents that were together for the kids only, i dont think that is a good idea esp foor his kids.

does anyone have any ideas on how to be more supportive and caring for him?

sarah

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 9:29am
Hi Sarah, I decided to reply to your post not because I know what you can do (because I have no idea) but I at least wanted to try to help. This is definitely a tough situation. It sounds like he has to really ask himself some important questions, and maybe you can help him by asking him these or writing them down and getting him to answer them for himself. Does he love his wife? Is he in love with his wife or does he love her in another way? If this other woman stayed with him, would he have stayed with her and not have kicked himself for leaving his wife? There are so many questions but those are the ones I can think of.

The people who are suffering the most here are absolutely his wife and his children. From what it sounds like, he made a big mistake. He made his bed and now has to lay in it. Im certainly hoping that doesnt want to be with his wife now because the first choice isnt there anymore.

Its between him and his wife, and I think all you can really do is tell him what you think and be there as a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. I hope it all works out in the end. Take care
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 9:36am

Welcome, Sarah!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 8:43pm
Sarah, I agree with everything Barb said. You wanted to know how to be supportive to him----just listen and let him know you are there. I know that's what I always wish for on my worst days----someone to listen to me. Good luck, and I'm glad you found this board.

Debbie