This is where I am today

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
This is where I am today
1
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 11:03am
Yesterday I talked to my ex-spouse and he is still trying to convince me to go into thearpy and he wants to be there for me ever step of the way. Keep in mind I have never communicated in my life until recently. I have been depressed for years with no help and I cannot forgive myself for divorcing a man that I love. I also cannot forgive other things too. I have a bad habit of beating myself up over any negative thing in my life because I am very sensitive. It's a curse! Anyway my ex and me have known each other for 32 years. Married for 23 years and have remained friends after the divorce. We still love each other and we feel in our hearts that we are not divorced. I want to work things out between us and I hope in the end that we get back together. I think we have a basis for that happening. Anyway we both agree to take one day at a time with no great expectations. We both feel that maybe we can find our way back to each other. Honestly we both don't know what the furture is and just want to focus on today and me healing. I think that should be a first step. Also we both have so many fears about us getting back together because there was so much pain that we both caused one another. We just don't know if it could work for us. I don't know what the proper order is to healing(getting help). Do I get help for myself first and then when I start to feel better do we work on us? Or do I include us in thearpy or does that come later? Also I want to be completly honest with them. There are things that I feel that maybe I should tell him when the time is right or maybe not because it does not have anything to do with him. I think it has no value to anyone but me. I'm so sorry for rambling. I think my mind is in overload and I am just worring about everything unnecceasry. This is just so overwhelming for me. I have so many questions and so little answers. So here goes more questions. Sorry! Should I talk about it first to a counslor? The other things in my life that I have issues with first and see what they have to say? Or should I talk to my ex first about it? I was also wondering how honest is too honest? I don't mean lying to a person. I feel that if you don't tell someone something. You are not lying. This is what I have been told. Why bring up unnecessary things that have noting to do it with I feel my healing process or maybe it does? Who knows? I am asking these questions because to me it's scary and confusing to go for help. I don't like to be asked questions. Especially by a stanger. I just don't know what to expect from a Psychologist. I was also wondering how long do you have to go to thearpy before you start to heal? Is it differnt for everyone? Do you think it will take many years? Anyway this is how I think I should handel my friendship with my ex-spouse for now. Tell me what you think?I think we should take things very slowly. Maybe go out to dinner or do something else once a month or so. I feel it's like starting all over again. Like dating. What I feel is so different this time compared to the first time when we met are... when we first met we seen each other everyday and talked for hours on the phone. Now we will only see eack other very little and hardly talk on the phone at all. Do you think this is normal when trying to work on each other? One thing I am grateful for is that he is willing to try and see where we can go with us. We make no promises to one another because we both don't have no idea what the furture is. I am going into this with an open mind. If I sit back and don't try to do anything about us...then there will never be us. But if I do try to work things out then maybe there is a chance. I know there is at least a 50% chance that we could make us work and there is a 50% chance that it will not work. I am trying to think positive and beleive whatever happens in the end of this process I will be a much better person for getting the help that I need. And if in the end I will only end up being his friend or his partner. At least I will be a better and best friend or a better and best partner. Also if anyone read any of my other posts. I mentioned that my e-spouse has a women in his life that he really likes. This is only a two month relationship. I was honest with him and told him I don't know how we can work on us when he is with another women and getting closer to her? He told me yesterday that he is keepin this women at a distance. I have no clue what that exactly means but I feel at least he is trying. He also told me that he told her a few things (I don't know what) but one thing he did tell her was that he still loved me. She said she understood. He told me he doesn't know if she is going to wait to see what happens to us or move on. I feel so bad right now because I feel that I have hurt two people here. This women and him because this is obviously a very hard and confusing (he told me this) situation for him. Me and him have hurt each other so much in our lives and that is not my intention at all to have him hurt anymore because of me. He is an adult and he has conscienly made the choice to stand by me in my time of healing. I know he has feelings for this women but it seems to me that the feelings he has for me are stronger. I don't want to be delusional and I want to see everything for the first time in my life with open eyes. I just hope he is really telling me the truth when he said he is keeping this women at a distance because if he is lying to me I feel it could do more damage to me that good. I beleive we need to keep the commnication very open and honestly is a must. Please any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 11:36am

Hi, ((((((Paws)))))))!

AcornLeaves