at the bottom of the well
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| Sun, 03-28-2004 - 12:50am |
i am having a hrad time right now. i have been diagnoised with depression for the last 2 years but pretty much have had it all my life. i am on effexxor which seems to be doing ok.
my problem is tho that i get times where i cant seem to get out. i'm so down and unhappy i dont kno what to do anymore and just feel like i dont want to go on living or rather just want to sleep it all away.
i just got out of a relationship. the actual relationship was not bad, it was probably the best one i've ever had, cept the guy was just out of a marraige and he was having second thoughts so we agreed to call it quits so he could figure things out.
i am in love with him (he said he was with me as well) and am just devisteated over loosing him and not knowing if i will ever be with him again or get a chance again (he doesnt kno if things will work out with his wife yet)
i keep going through emotions, anger sadness, crying constantly. etc
and to top it all off my beloved kitty cat has cancer again.
i have set up an appointment with my counsler but it's not until next thursday. i dont kno how to keep going on until then. i am so upset and depressed at times i feel like i just want it all to end. i feel like i have fallen down a well and cant climb back up.
this keeps happening to me. i go through times of severe depression. should i talk to my doctor about upping the dosage on my medication?
does anyone have any ideas on what i can do to help me get over this guy and to once more be happy again?
sarah

((((((Sarah)))))), thanks for sharing a bit more of the picture of what is going on.
I know so well what it's like at the bottom of that well. Given the situation you are in, you have so much reason to feel down. I'm sorry about your cat. My cat just went through a life-threatening illness. It wasn't as bad as cancer. My dog died a couple of years ago. I had nursed him through cancer, though it hadn't gone away. He actually died of heart failure. He was 18. We'd only had him for 6 months, but he was a sad little guy that we saved from an abusive home. The whole ordeal broke our hearts. I think it would have been much easier if the poor little guy had an ounce of happiness in his life. We fed him steak every day and my dh took him on walks. Running down our block was the dog's favorite part of every day. Unfortunately, he was still looked sad almost all of the time.
Losing someone you are in love with is horrible. What's worse is that you don't even get the satisfaction of being angry at him because it sounds like his perspective on trying to patch it up with his wife is kind of understandable. It is very frustrating that he got emotionally involved with you when he wasn't finished with her. I don't know how it is for you, but the rejection part is the worst part for me. I have no ability to handle it. Can you get mad at him for becoming intimate with you before he was done with his wife? I find that getting angry helps me to move past the "in love" stuff. If you can get angry, you can start to get over him. In general, the best thing you can do right now is to cry, scream in your car or into a pillow, and generally get all that pain and hurt out of you. Be so good to yourself. You are going through so much right now!
Have you been to the IVillage breaking up boards? The one called "From Abandonment to Healing" has tons of great articles, as well as a place where you can commiserate with others going through the same thing. It is located at:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlabandonmen
The board called Mending Broken Hearts is located at:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlmendingbro
Here's an example of one of the articles there. Looking them over, there are several I want to read.
1. Let it out, then let it go. Vent, cry, tell your friends for the 15th time how he worshipped the adorable curl of your upper lip. If you don't let your emotions out, they'll fester inside, and so will the louse's memory. So allow yourself one last good wallow. Then stop. Need some affection? Get a substitute object to cuddle. A cute puppy can go a long way toward helping you forget a guy who was a dog.
2. Retrain your heart. You will truly forget your ex once you can literally see him in a new, hunk-free light. It's called creative visualization -- imagining scenes that you want to happen. Close your eyes and remember negative images, like when he had food dribbling off his chin. Racked with rage at his callous behavior? In your mind's eye (only in your mind's eye) make him walk the plank. That should harmlessly blast away those energy-sapping, venomous emotions.
3. Write a relationship profit-and-loss statement. The end of a romance provides a wonderful time to learn about yourself. Look at your assets. For example, the ability to really be there for someone in a crunch. Examine the minuses -- perhaps you were too trusting of someone who hadn't earned it. The bottom line: Analyze what was right and wrong about your old relationship. It will help you forge a much stronger new one.
4. Form a Saturday night club. Weekends are tough for the newly single. Start calling friends early in the week to make plans for the weekend. Have a standing Saturday night date movie or inline skating date. For the volunteer-minded, Saturday night can be a great time to work at a soup kitchen or crisis hotline. And you'll meet others with big hearts and giving spirits.
5. Meet a fascinating woman: yourself. Do the things you've been dying to try or that you'd put on hold because he disapproved of them. Enroll in that acting class, research a new career, take that trip.
6. Beware the rebound hurdle. Just when you thought it was safe to go out with mascara on (no chance of tearstreaks), wham! You're back in love. But try to see this new man for who he is, not as a cure-all. It's like applying balm to a chapped heart -- temporarily soothing, but you don't cure lovesickness by replacing the love object. You've got to really be over your ex before you move on. Which brings us to ...
7. Close the door. Don't fall into yo-yo love. Let it be over. If he keeps calling to say you should give it one more chance, or that he has someone new but wants to stay friends, don't bite. Cut him loose and celebrate the new, improved, I won't-settle-for-anything-less-than-a-great-guy you.
My prayers are with you right now. If you believe in God, or even if you don't pray for strength in t his painful time. That prayer always works for me. It's amazing.
All My Best,
MariaC
Have a One-Person Pity Party. Is grief from a failed relationship still holding you a prisoner? Suggests Dr. Kate, author of Dr. Kate's Love Secrets: Solving the Mysteries of the Love Cycle, "Give into the pain. Tell yourself, `I will let myself grieve.' Then get out all the pictures of the two of you together and voice all those irrational thoughts like, `No one will ever love me again.' Keep going until a little voice inside says, `I don't care.' That's when you should take an aspirin and go to sleep."
Dr. Kate adds, "The next day when you wake up you'll be in a rational state. Repeat this ritual as often as needed. Eventually you will achieve true closure."
MariaC
this week is even worse cause this is the first time he has gone down to see her after we decided to back off (tho he keeps in touch almost everyday and has invited me over sunday nite and asked if i would stay the nite). i keep getting upset about thinking about what they are doing down there (for some reason the thought of him being intimate with her REALLY upsets me, tho he said he doubts they will jump into that right away even tho he did with me and the girl before me) and i am just going crazy cause i miss him and want him to be with me :(
sarah
have you ever looked at your history of down periods, when you were at your lowest... ask yourself what the trigger was in each case. you may find a pattern. what i am hinting at is that perhaps you are making poor choices in the men you get involved with, in that i mean setting yourself up for hurt or at least increasing the risk of being hurt.
a man just out of a divorce is probably not going to be so keen to jump right into another heavy duty arrangement. in fact, anyone just out of a marriage is probably just looking for a bit of companionship without committment.
my advice to you. dont take it personally or as a personal rejection. he's got his own issues to deal with and needs time.
you, rather than searching for the next man to distract you from your depression, invest in working on you, without a man for a while. take care of yourself.
let me tell you it does wonders to be on your own for a while. its scary, yes, but me thinks youve got to do this.
if i had a dollar for every time a man has made me cry, i would be rich, we all would probably. but now im a bit older and stronger and it just takes alot more these days to make me spiral down because of something someone said or did to me. but there were times in the past i wished id never been born.
not to leave on a depressing note, have you ever tried chocolate as substitute for a man :) chocolate works and it wont hurt you, though it may hurt your thighs a bit.
regarding your cat, i will share that my cat was devoured by a coyote two days after i watched my grandmother die. talk about one bad thing after another. happens to us all and the challenge in life is getting thru those times and looking ahead to the good ones.
keep your chin up, and stop waiting round by the phone :)
bwhiskey
I hope your kitty will be alright. Just be there for your cat and I know he/she will you love him/ her so much. All the best :)