Distancing myself...and other issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Distancing myself...and other issues
2
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 6:16pm
Hi, as always, I will start off by apologizing for my absence. I made it back from my trip to interview for a scholarship and then worked the rest of last week. I don't think the interview went particularly well...I'll know soon, though, since the deadline for hearing good news is Wednesday of this week.

I've been doing all right until I felt a strong sense of melancholy come over me today. It's strange, throughout my trip and in the days since then, I have felt very uncomfortable around other people...I've wished for a time and place for me to be completely alone. This weekend I finally had that chance to some degree...and I end up feeling down and isolated...just can't seem to win!

And in the same vein, I think my relationship with my parents is changing a lot...I keep putting more and more distance between myself and them. I often don't answer the phone when it rings, I wait days to reply to calls or emails...and while I usually stay with my parents for a day or two before a trip (they drive me to the airport), this time I came home just in time to make it to the airport...and left home before my mom even got back from work. I think they have trouble understanding why I'm doing this, and I'm not even quite sure myself. Becoming independent is one thing, but I'm not sure if that's the issue here...it's not like I have anyone else to talk to!

As for work, my boss asked me to stay through the summer...but I told her I would work only two more weeks. I don't think I could stand it much longer...the work is so monotonous and menial, and the pay is not much more than minimum wage...but I haven't yet found another job, and it is hard to look for one while I'm working from 8 to 5 each day. Staying at this job is actually kind of tempting, as much as I hate it...it is just "comfortable" and non-challenging...but I am trying to get out of the pattern of taking the easy way out.

Not that this has been completely easy for me...I have felt so sleep-deprived each day, even after getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night, that I "crash" on the weekends. I think I slept 12 hours both yesterday and today...and I can't seem to stop eating either. Strangely enough, the physical pain that's been mostly in check during the week also seems to surface on the weekends, after I wake up from a long rest. I have managed to go hiking (yesterday), and I tried to go swimming today, but even a few minutes wore me out...my legs and arms are literally shaking now (I thought I was in better shape than that!).

So I feel very lazy and inadequate when I hear (or read online) about my "peers" (other pre-meds) who are trying to get in shape...taking two aerobics classes back-to-back or running several miles every day. And I've been feeling really inadequate emotionally also...I watched an episode of the TV show "ER" this week and was really shaken up by it...what would happen, I wonder, if I had to face something like that in real life? I keep questioning my desire and ability to go to med school...I am not at all sure that I am following my heart...but it seems like the best option, I guess. I have been discussing that issue with my therapist, but haven't reached any real conclusions yet.

I know I need to stop comparing myself to others, but it is difficult, especially when I don't have any clear picture of my own identity or goals. I even had a dream this past week that I dyed my hair a lot of strange colors and then looked in the mirror, only to find I didn't recognize myself at all. My guess is that this represented my worry that I am taking a big, irreversible step by going to med school, even though I'm not sure that I am suited to it...or maybe it was just a silly dream! :)

Anyway, thanks for listening to my rambling. Tomorrow I go to see a nutritionist for my first consultation, so wish me luck...I know I need to change my eating habits. But I don't really enjoy food enough even to make the effort to cook for myself...if I could just get an IV infusion of the nutrients to keep me healthy (and thin), I think I would (as long as I could still have hot chocolate)! My body image still seems to be pretty bad...I really think I need to lose weight...but I have been eating to try to be somewhat healthy...I can't even miss a snack without feeling ready to pass out!

I hope you all are doing OK...I feel horrible about not posting to lend support. Such a negative mood seems to have settled over me this weekend, though, that I don't know that I would be much help.

Thanks again,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 12:04am
i love what you said about the iv nutrition! that made me smile- i have been asking for that for years- with my bad stomach, food and i don't usually get along, but i want the nutrition- and the only thing i would miss would be chocolate!

anyways, i feel like i have missed big gaps with you. but i think it is great that you are not staying in a job that makes you unhappy. that takes alot of courage and i think is really important. i have been unemployed for awhile now and i just accepted a job. i know it is tough, but it's your life. and it's better to have to not spend as much and pinch pennies a bit than be unhappy.

the nutritionist sounds great. i have wanted to go to one for years. i am interested to hear how it goes and what kind of suggestions are made.

good luck with everything!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 8:21pm
Argh, I just finished typing this long message and then accidentally erased it!! Mainly I wanted to thank you for your reply...I'm glad my IV "joke" made you smile, although I'm sorry that you can relate! The rest was mostly just rambling...I'll try to sum it up...

It looks like I may be staying at my job a while longer (at least I like the people there)...my mom is suggesting that I work there until this summer, and then move out to the city where I'll be going to med school and get a job there...so I can get used to the city before school starts. Probably a good idea...especially since it would be hard to get a new job now to last only a few months...guess I'll look into it.

I just got back from the nutritionist (just a short consultation this time)...her general opinion was what I expected, although not what I'd hoped for...that I need to eat more to be healthy, and that I could not lose weight now even if I tried because my body is "holding on" to every calorie it gets. I have a hard time with that idea since I do eat SO much more than I used to, and I don't think I restrict my eating much...plus I am annoyingly pudgy, at least to my eyes. I'll meet with her next week to come up with a meal plan...ha, meal...I can't force myself to eat more at a time than a protein bar!

It's just frustrating because I try to cut back on my eating, but then I get lightheaded (either from low blood sugar or low blood pressure or both) and end up eating a normal amount. And I try to exercise, but my muscle pain and tendency to get exhausted easily get in the way. Right now I'm debating whether to exercise or go to bed...I will try to force myself to get to a treadmill. I'm sorry...this is one reason I don't post here much...I hear these words come out of my mouth and get angry at myself.

I know I have an easy, nice life (relatively speaking), much less pain than I used to have, a job, an acceptance to med school...I should not be complaining and whining like this. Although all of you on this board are so nice, I'm just waiting for someone to tell me that (as a few people on another board already did...guess it still stings).

Right now, though, it just seems like life is all effort and little reward...I force myself to go to work to sustain a life I don't enjoy, I have to force myself to exercise, even to eat...and to try to prepare for a future that I'm not at all sure I want or can handle. Although I understand that things can change, that seems like a distant possibility now...especially with my track record of depression and lack of enjoyment of most anything. The prospect of med school scares me so much...and I haven't yet heard that I've gotten the scholarship I interviewed for...so I feel like a failure already...bad interpretation, I know...but piling up loans for school and continuing my constant worries about money doesn't appeal to me, as you can imagine!

OK, so that wasn't a very short summary...knowing me, that's to be expected! :) I hope you are feeling better, and I do think about you often...even lurk sometimes on the board...but I never seem to know what to say or how to help. Even though work does take its toll on my energy, I think I have distanced myself much more than necessary from everyone, my roommates (who hardly ever see me), my family, even this board...and I'm not quite sure why.

Thanks again for listening, sorry for this whining rambling post...

Good luck to you too,

Rose