Triggers! please help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Triggers! please help me!
7
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 7:28pm
I'm new here, i don't know what else to do. I am in a severely depressed state. Why, u ask? I have no idea. If you look at it from a stranger's perspective, it looks as if I have a great life, and I do. So why am I wishing I didn't have to deal with it anymore? Good question. I'm on prozac, been on it for about 2 weeks now, it's the third type of antidepressant in the past 6 months. Nothing works, i'm actually at an all time low. I just got a raise, fiance' and I just started our own business, i pretty much can get anything i want, everyone loves me, thinks I'm just so sweet. I do pretty well at covering up my inner emotional turmoil. I can't talk to anyone about it because no one understands. They don't take me seriously. My doctor understands to an extent, but what can she do? give me more drugs? I'm 24 years old and i have had more prescriptions in the past year than both my parents combined. My purse usually looks like a mobile pharmacy. two weeks ago i quit taking my medicine all together. i was tired of it all. I was having severe migrains every day. I had quit eating regularly. Just frappacinos and reece's pb cups...i know, totally not healthy. After several days of no medicine my body freaked out and i was walking around disoriented and confused. stupid mistake on my part. My doc was concerned and changed my meds. I was even having earaches supposedly caused by gritting my teeth. Makes sence cause my jaw stays swore even now. Nothing seems to help, just feels like i keep getting worse and worse until ???? Now i'm at home and just got over a terrible crying spell which started over nothing.. seriously...i can't get counseling cause my insurance doesn't cover mental illness, so i talk with my doc. They know me up there all too well. i'm starting to fear they think i'm a hypochondriac, as well as everyone else. Even more reason to keep my mouth shut. I don't want my coworkers thinking i'm unstable, my job requires 100% of my attention at all times. I'm the Sr. AutoCAD operator where i work. one mistake could cost the company thousands of dollars.

so i don't know anything anymore and beginning to not care. Someone please tell me what the meaning of all this crap we call life is. really need someone to understand right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 8:35pm

Welcome plh22,


I am glad you found us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:35pm
First thanks for replying. I almost started crying just by seeing ur response.

ok about my meds...i started taking lexapro for a few months and all i wanted to do was sleep especially after she uped my dose, then she switched me to effexor. i was taking 150 in the morning and 75 at lunch. She added topamax to help my irritability. It seemed to help my mood, but i started getting migraines and earaches which she said was from me grinding my teeth. So then she gave me and inflamatory and something else to help ease that. I was also taking something for allergies???i don't think i have allergies. Anyway, the effexor was taken over a period of 3 or 4 months until 2 weeks ago when i got fed up with carrying around like 6 or 7 bottles full of pills and still feeling like crap, so i quit taking everything. after realizing my mistake i saw my doc again and i came off the effexor and now taking fluoxetine. For the last 3 or 4 days i have felt worse than i have since that start....which i should add was 8 months ago after a car accident...ding ding ding....we have a winner. i wasn't seriously injured, just screwed up my knee and my car burnt up...2 months of physical therapy and dozens and dozens of doctor's appts. a guy in a truck pulling a dozer pulled out in front of me, (wish he could feel even 1/10th of what i've been through....take that back..lord forgive me)

about counseling, my company is small, can't go through them, and i have just now begun to restore my boss's faith in my abilities....i don't even want him knowing i'm on any meds at all.

also, i live in a small town...and as u should know...most people do not take depression seriously and 1.we have no local programs to help 2.i don't want the whole town knowing my business and 3.my b/friend is like most others and doesn't realize the severity of the situation...he tells me that he doesn't even think i need to be taking anything anyway..

when i have really bad mood swings he gets mad, tells me i'm crazy, or assumes that there is a reason i'm crying...i hate to say it, but he just doesn't understand and i can't talk to him about any of this. i don't have any girlfriends cause i work will all guys and work is about the only interaction i have with other people.

well, let me know what u think...i've been blabbing for long enough.

thanks again,

Patience
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:40pm
plh22

I am sending lots of hugs. I know that it is really hard when you feel so bad and you think noone else understands. I do understand, and I know the way you feel is real. Since your insurance doesn't cover MH, maybe you could find some community based or community funded counselling?

I don't think you are a hypochondriac. I worried about that too, but your feelings are valid, no matter what. You have the right to feel the way you feel, and you have the right to be believed. Feel free to come here to vent or cry or whatever. Everyone here knows to some extent how you feel, and the ladies here are so understanding and supportive and welcoming.

I hope you feel better soon, and will think of you while I sit here eating my reese's. hehe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:48pm
thanks,

between the tears ur reece's remark actually brought a laugh. if feels good to know that someone out there understands what i'm going through. it's still tough though. ya'll are all i have right now.

hugs right back at ya

always,

Patience
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 7:57am
Hi sweetie!!

I haven't read all your replies, as I wanted to keep your post up for reference.

Sweetie, you can have the best life ever and still have depression. I always say that you don't have to "qualify" for depression. Depression is due to imbalanced chemicals in your brain. Have you done some research?? I found that after I learned about my depression, it was easier to deal with it.

People who don't go through depression often times do not "get it". They might tell you to get over it. Most people think depression is something we make up, but it totally isn't.

I am hoping that someone might be able to help you with the therapist issues.

Take care

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 10:22am

((((((((((((((((((((((patience))))))))))))))))))))))))


Oh I understand the little town thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 6:32pm
Hi Patience and all, I have just joined this site and yours was the first post I saw. I can really feel for you because I think most of us have been down your road. I am Bi-polar and have worked with my psychiatrist for almost 7 years - changing meds and finally getting things under control. You need someone who can give you the proper meds plus, your car wreck is causing you a lot of stress. As to your boyfriend, try to find ANYthing you can about depression and ask him to read it. Depression is very real and hurts so much. I'm glad (and sincerely hope) you will be true to you name (Patience) - because honey, this take time to figure out. Just please know that there is a brighter side waiting for you. It may take a while to get there - but hold on, even if it is with your toenails. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. If you can't afford mental health help, it seems I found somewhere today that gave some advice about getting free help. Work at your computer and do some research. That will also help you not to give in to the depression. I too, live in a small town. I just bit the bullet and let people know I was going through a rough time. You may be surprised how many people might be going through the same thing - or at least some problems of their own. If they want to talk and gossip, let it go right over your head and keep yourself focused on getting yourself better and don't worry about petty people. They have problems too - They just don't want anyone to know. You can also do some research on this very site about different medicines and their effect on you. I am seeking information about Topomax as I am will be starting it soon and going off Depakote.

Anyone that can give me any info about it, I am all ears. I - like everybody else - have gained weight on Depakote and am thrilled to hope that Topamax will keep me from being depressed and has not got many side effects. I am hoping to lose wieght on the Topomax.

I wish you the best of everything Patience - and HOLD ON - no matter how gloomy things are.

Tainne