Opinions and Insights Wanted

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Opinions and Insights Wanted
6
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:39pm

In another thread, Kat (Katrinanyc) asked "Are there minimum standards we're supposed to meet?"

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 12:57am
it is interesting to me that there is probably a huge discrepency between what we think is "expected" or the "norm" and how we view ourselves. i always think that i am a step behind, or missing something, or not doing well enough. i can feel that way socially or professionally. socially, i have made amazing contacts, i meet lots of people and keep in contact with as many or more than everyone else. i am very social- but i still find myself feeling like i have less friends than others, etc. i remember in high school, i always felt like if i didn't go to every party/event/whatever that i was missing what everyone else was doing. now, i realize only a handful of kids actually did do that stuff. professionally, i always think you have to be ceo of a company or something for people to think you are "successful" or at least go to a job every day where you where a suit (lol-never done that) and take home sizable paychecks. but then i look around at all of the other people who have been unemployed and/or confused like me. i just got a job and i look at it as a joke, but in perspective it's not terrible. i always look at my super successful boyfriend and think that it what people think you should aspire to, but i know i will never be in a position like that (i would never strive to- i don't like the corporate world). when i am in a group of "adults" i always feel like a loser who should be ashamed of the jobs i hold and the money i make. but i don't think everyone else neccessarily looks at me that way. i think this is a great question. i know my answer is jumping all over the place, but what i am trying to say is that our standard for ourselves is much higher than "average" or what is expected of us. i think what is expected depends on the person. i always thought that if i didn't get a college education, i would drop off the earth in my parents' eyes. but my brother is struggling and my parents are encouraging him to do other things and don't think it's the end of the world if he doesn't graduate from college. i don't think any of us can look at a paycheck and say "that's enough, i don't want any more." :) so, my take on it all is...

you should work so that you have enough money for food and shelter and you are lucky if you can add to that money for extras and savings. you should spend enough time from people that you are always learning from others and interacting with others. the amount of work/friends/family should be related to what makes you feel fulfilled. i know if i could choose what to do with my time, i would spend time with the people i love the most of anything i would do. but that's me! everyone is different and i think you would be surprised that whatever you think you are deficient in time wise or whatever, there are probably alot of others like that too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 1:27am
Great insights, Voguegirl. I also feel the pressure of conforming and living up to everybody's expectations, and I tried it for mor most of my adult life. Guess what? It didn't make me happy at all. I finally decided to do what makes me happy - writing - but even in this, I feel the need to justify this choice by becoming very successful. When my husband became sick was a turning point for me in my understanding of life. I just couldn't make another choice than the one I took; to work from home for as long as I could, ad then to be with him and take care of him for as long as he needed me.

I think that what it's about is to dare to do what makes you happy, and be with people that make you happy. Not to encroach on somebody else's freedom and when you are faced with choices, to make the compassionate choice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 5:14pm

BUMP!!!






Blessings,






co-CL of Depression Support

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 10:10am

Kat, I tend to think of this in terms of energy.

AcornLeaves
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 12:51pm
I dont think we should conform to other ppl's standards, but I know that that is extremely difficult. I do not live according to the belief I just posted either. I constantly try to live up to other ppl's expectations and I hate to disappoint others. However I dont agree with it, sounds silly huh.

I think ppl get upset when they dont understand something, and therefore begin to make fun of or ostracise that thing. If someone wears certain clothes that arent "fashionable", ppl often make fun. I think that is so ridiculous.

I suppose I believe that we should be able to freely live up to our own standards as long as we are not hurting other ppl. However that seems to be an issue as well, since some dont think certain things hurt anyone, and others do...

ugh its tough but I hope we can all learn (including me) to be more of ourselves and not worry about what other ppl think.

I hope this post makes sense hee hee sorry I kind of babbled
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 7:04pm
Standards...

that's a very interesting topic to me.

When i started this I thought I had my thoughts all in order....

Now that i've pondered over it, its a little confusing.

Even though there is no right or wrong answer, there is always the "good" one.

For me, this would be that setting standards is of total unimportance. You should concentrate more on what makes you happy. How much do you require to be happy with yourself and your life. Most people label success by measuring income and/or rank.

Now that's what my answer would be if this were an essay. Real life? now that's a totally different story. I am harder on myself than anyone. I spend my life striving to reach the top...always always in the process of going up. I was an overachiever as a child and continue that today. I think maybe I'm addicted to the feeling of being the best. i'm very competetive and this is usally what i base my happiness on. It's not the money or the power. It's that temporary high u get when u reach you're goal, i thrive on the pats on the back and the "good jobs". but as i said, its only temporary. it's worse than drugs, because u can't stop. I've been like this since i was a kid, u can't just stop. Once everyone forgets about ur last accomplishment, u have to work toward a new one. So what do you do when standards are not an option? i can't ever let myself be happy because nothing is ever good enough? Well, i've already worked 8 hours today but now its time to go in for about 4 more and i still have to make my self go home when that runs out.

But isn't hardworking supposed to be admirable? ha.

i'm open to any good advice.

thanks ya'll,

and by the way,

somehow in all my fighting toward the top,

i always do my best to keep those around cheerful and happy,

i'll do anything to make someone's day brighter no matter how mine is looking

thanks again

Patience ;-)