am I nuts or what??????
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| Tue, 03-30-2004 - 12:12pm |
Okay I have lived at my moms since saturday and well it isnt so bad we both work and I wiok later hours than she does so we really dont see each other until I am doe working out which is usually after 8pm so we spend a total of two hours around one another.
My neice Hannah was at the house last night and I was So happy to see her we played hide and seek after I worked out and watched lady and the tramp and then she went home she told me she wanted to move with me that she loved and missed me God I love that little girl so much.
I advised my mom that I wanted to talk with Jennifer (my sister) and tell her that she better make sure that Luis (the idoit roommate) does not say bad things about me to my Neice he did it when I lived there and that pissed me off cause my sister never stopped him my neice is 4 she doesnt need this in her life, but I do not need him telling her nasty things abou tme and I want to make sure that my sister doesnt allow that at all.
Okay so now about the nits thing, my whole life has been kinda chaotic I guess things are never really smooth and when things are smooth I freak out and almost create drama my life feels normal when it is chaotic my therapist and I are always talking about it I just can not understand my life when it is smooth I do not like it smooth I always think that when things are smooth is when the worst thing is going to happen to me.
So anyways for the past 3-4 days things are smooth there is no chaos in my life there is no stress there is nothing and it is driving me up the wall and it is making me irritable.
Then another thing that I was thinking about is this what if I do not need therapy anymore what if I do not need meds or the pdoc what if I can just stop it all I feel okay my moods are okay they shift but I think that it is just who I am i haven't been too extreme with my mood swings I have not wanted to hurt anyone I havent went crazy on anyone I havent been angry so maybe just maybe I can stop all these things....
Maybe I am just feeling I dont know maybe just wishing I guess tht I didnt need to do these things anymore..I think back to when I was doing all these different things when I was taking my diet pills when I was thinner when I was workingout more I felt happier better now I hear that I put on weight they say that I look better but maybe they ar being nice I just wish that I could look at myself and be happy with what I saw when I was thinner I was happier I still felt large but not as large as I feel now, I know I make no snese but if you havent been there then you can not understand fully, but hey any input is always appreciated.
Erin

I think that you should discuss with your therapist before you try to leave your therapy, and try talking to whoever prescribes your meds. Maybe they aren't the right ones for you. maybe I am overcautious because I am new to this whole thing, but I know other people in my life who went off meds and therapy when they still really needed it. I know how it hurt them to not be able to do without the help. It was like a big setback for them, because they thought they had it under control, and they really didn't. They felt they had failed, and really it was just too soon.
Besides, you just went through a huge change with your move. Maybe it would be good to just let yourself adjust for a bit? Or try asking your doc if you could change or reduce your meds, and keep therapy as a back up? I don't really know, but I hope you figure out something to make you happy
Erin, Sara is right, as I am sure you know ;)
It sounds like your desire to talk to your sister about Luis and to stop your therapy and meds are both ways to create the drama you are used to having in your life. There are lots of people who don't feel comfortable unless they have drama and chaos. I used to always have drama in my life. When I started to calm my life down, I realized that I felt like I didn't have anything to talk about or think about. It made me uncomfortable. I know the feeling that you are talking about. It's like you are waiting for the other shoe to drop, so you create a drama to make it happen and stop the anxiety of worrying about when it will happen.
Only you can decide if you want to stop the cycle of chaos you are in. Most people with these kinds of patterns don't stop. But then most people with those kinds of patterns aren't in therapy, on medication, and actively trying to get better. You have come a long way with your weight gain and not cutting yourself. You have also made big strides in not going out drinking anymore and sleeping with men who will only make you feel badly about yourself. You have so much to be proud ot, Girl!
It's easy to sabotage yourself. We all have our "upper limits": the highest level of happiness that we've let ourselves have in our lives. You can only change that by deciding what you want for yourself.
I've read your recent posts and I assure you that you still need medication and therapy. I need them too. I feel better on Paxil. That means that I need to stay on Paxil. I think it's the same for you and your medication. You have just gotten yourself out of a hostile, unhappy living situation. I strongly recommend not talking to your sister about Luis. You and you sister have such a strained relationship right now. You saying something to her will not make her say something to Luis. Let her relationship with Luis unravel on it's own. If you make yourself the problem, then they can always blame you for their problems. If you stay away from them, then she will come to see that he's a problem on his own. Trust me, your niece will see you for who you are with her, not what Luis says.
About you wondering if people are being "nice" by saying you look better a little heavier, they aren't just being nice. I had a friend who gained weight. No one ever told her she looked better. I tend to go up and down by about 10 pounds or so. Everyone tells me I look better when I'm thinner. No one has ever told me I looked better when I was heavier. I am much heavier than you. I'm not fat. Most people consider me normal looking. I'm a size 6 or 8, depending on the clothes, and I'm 5'8". You've said that you were 95 pounds. That is too skinny, unless you are 10 years old, Sweetie. I haven't been that weight since I was eleven. And I'm not fat. In fact, I modeled for a while. Back when I modeled I was too skinny. I starved myself. But I wasn't as skinny as you were.
I know that you liked how you looked more before, but that is the disease talking. People with anorexia see themselves as bigger than they are. They like the starved look. It is not something that most people think is attractive at all. If you want other people to think you look good, then stay at the weight you are at. That's the honest truth, Erin.
About the chaos, it is your choice to learn to get comfortable with peace in your life. I think that it's hard for others to deal with constant chaos, so creating it can drive others away. You have the power to do so much in your life. You have come so far already. But you are the only one who can decide what you want.
All My Love,
MariaC