feeling kinda okay big thank you's
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| Wed, 03-31-2004 - 10:03am |
Okay I am feeling still very anxious very freaked out kinda on edge I guess, I know I need to stop this insanity with the whole chaos thing but it is so hard I am so used to it my whole life has been filled with chaos so it is hard to change it just like it is so hard for me to change the way I view myself just like it is so hard to stop the negative self talk to stop the dieting these are things I have done since I was a child I have dieted since I was a child I have hated myself since I was a child so it is going to be a hard road to travel but I need to do it or I will end up alone forever.
I started an arguement with a co-worker who is also a friend he is trying to quit smokkeing which I think is great but he has been very snippy with me finally I snapped and went off on him it was uncalled for on my part but the words were like a flood I could not stop them from leaving my mouth didnt realize it until it was over when I get angry when I have rage I can not control it most of the time and things just happen, I think that it was also me trying to create the chaos I have not had.
I am going to talk to Marnie tonight about all of this I am also taking MariaC advice about not speaking to my sister at least for now but I get so worried that Luis is going to poisin my 4 year old neices mind with negative things about me. My neice Hannah called me last night to say good night she first left a meddage on my phone then called back to ask me why I didnt answer my phone that she wanted to say good night to me god she is so cute then we were talking about her school she told me that her playroom at the house wasnt done yet (her playroom is my old room there) she asked me if I would come to the house to see her playroom and for her birthday which is not until July I told her yes she told me she loved me and she sounded like she was almost n tears which made me tear up and cry I miss her so much she is my angel face.....
So anywyas I am going to see what I can do about all this negative stuff that I do to myself if there is another therapy I can do on topof my usually therapy with marnie.
I wanted to thank you all for being there for me and helping me but I am jut a little on edge I need to work out why I am doing this to myself where it comes from and how to stop it.
Thanks
Erin

Hi, Erin!
I think it's really normal to feel on edge when you are going through a big change. You are also considering changing your lifelong patterns. Of course that will create anxiety.
I know the feeling of having chaos your whole life. I used to have quite a temper myself. My family was very abusive towards each other. I had a father that easily qualifies as a psychopath. Talk about a lifetime of chaos!
I was good at creating drama. It's been a gradual road towards changing the way I talk to people and how I create my life. I've created drama unconsciously. I know that it's easy to feel bored if you don't have extreme things going on in your life. I still have times when I get stuck on some negative situation or interpretation and I let it drag me back down into that darkness.
What you are thinking about doing can be done. You are the only one who can decide. You've already come so far. You are taking care of yourself much more than you ever have. You get to choose what to do next.
I still think you should ask your therapist about therapeutic ways to let your anger out. She may or may not have heard of anger processing by yelling into pillows or beating on your bed. Some therapists do it and others don't. I believe that it helps to follow the feeling you are having back to the first time you had it and getting angry at that original event or person. You can do it on your own when you are alone in your mom's house by yelling into a pillow, beating on a pillow, beating on your bed. You can also let out that tension by screaming at the top of your lungs in your car. That helps me so much!
You get to decide if you will take control of your life. You've already done it with getting drunk and sleeping with guys who make you feel badly about yourself. That was a huge pattern to change. Only you gert to decide how you will engage with your life. It's not easy to change, but it's more pleasant than staying the same, IMO.
Take Care,
MariaC