Do I wait?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
Do I wait?
2
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 1:39pm


My husband and I have been together 7 years, married for 2 1/2. He told me Aug 2003 that he was no longer "in love" with me and wanted a divorce. Needless to say this was a complete shock and I asked him to go to couseling with me to see if we could work on things. We have a baby girl who is now 16 months and a 10 year old daughter from previous relationship of mine.He is 31, I am 28.

I always considered us each others best friend, but somehow I assumed that meant he would never hurt me. Regardless of what communication problems we have and have had, my early relationship with him was the best and happiest years of my life. He and I always had a lot of fun together and we have had alot in common...so what went wrong?

Nine months later we are now mutually separated, he is staying with a friend and I am at the house with both children. We are now seeing the counselor seperately instead of together... The counselor has told me my husband has clinical depression issues and needs meds, and until that is solved the marriage will not progress. Also my husband who used to adore me and shower me with affection has refused to tell me he loves me in almost a year, and since we have seperated he has not said that he misses me at all. So I have backed off and fully expect a divorce no matter what tiny crumbs of hope he has thrown my way from time to time. He says how great it is that we can be friends ( a comment I feel uncomfortable with right now), and he continues to be in denial about his depression. He believes his anxiety and bouts of horrible despair and sadness are because of how unhappy he is in the marriage. He also has told me when we met he didn't know who he was and therefore had different needs then. He says he has changed and wants different things in his life. All of this has been a total shock and heartbreak...I miss the man he was for the first 5 years of our relationship. We went out last night and talked for a little while about our regret, and he seemed to give an illusion of hope...which I refuse to believe because it's happened so many times in the past 9 months. He gets close with me and then a few days later he is so unhappy that he believes ending our marriage will end his dispair. I am trying to move on without making a big production about it. I am looking for a job, and I start another round of classes next week. I feel like I am the one who is crazy because of how quickly he changes throughout a week. He sounds reasonable one day, but then wait a few days and BAM!...he is so full of angst and babbles thoughts that make no sense. Everything he says is so hurtful during these times. Every other week he says he wants a divorce, but again he wants me to continue waiting too. Although when I ask him he says he doesn't expect me to wait. He likes to plays the bad guy in this... any advice would be helful

Rachel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
In reply to: whistles75
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 2:33pm
well, the first question you have to ask yourself is if you still love him. i'm guessing you do and thats why you are confused. right now, i'm on the other side of the issue. i have depression issues, and i'm barely out of denial... and its having a rather devastating effect on our marriage. i've done things like threatening to leave my husband, telling him that we should end it as well as telling him that the reason i'm depressed is because of him... ofcourse none of it is true, and its because he's stuck by me for the past 8 months or so that i'm finally realizing that he is probably one of the few bright spots in my life and that i do need to face my issues and solve them somehow. we're finally starting to talk about our problems and trying to solve them inorder to make our marriage better although we are definetly not out of the dark... every day is a struggle...

so anyway, sorry for my babbling, but my advice is that if there is any ray of hope, you might be the only person that will be able to help him out of this difficult time in his life. Are there any other issues in his life that could be causing stress or triggering the depression (like increased financial responsibility cause of the new baby, family issues, job realted issues)? hopefully the counseling will start to make a difference soon, and maybe he'll agree to try some medication. I'm not sure about anti depressants for myself, i've been on them before with not so great effects, but i know plenty of people who have been able to overcome horrible depressions by taking them.

anyway, good luck i really hope that you guys are able to get through this... my thoughts and prayers are with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
In reply to: whistles75
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 7:15pm


Thanks a lot for your response. You sound like your trying to get through it with support from your husband and that's great. My husband has always had a bit of depression to him ( I always considered it his sensitive side"), although it has intensified in the last two years. Two years ago he finished law school and we were expecting a child... his first, my second....and he emotionally withdrew from me when I was around 6 months along. I could feel him completely check out from our relationship. Since then he has been very moody and difficult to get excited about much.

In August of 2003 he tells me that he's miserable because he can't "connect" with me and is not "in love" with me anymore. I have struggled for 9 months trying to figure out what is going on with him. He yo-yo's constantly with his emotions towards me, which seem to have gotten worse and worse over time. I have been taking care of and granting his every little whim for a long time now. I thought he just needed a cheerleader and I was/am. He is in complete denial about the fact that this situation could have anything to do with a clinical problem. In fact on Monday he called after his counseling session and was on cloud nine....then said he wanted to divorce. Well of course I am jacked right into all his emotional rollercoasters....and I was devastated again. Then the next morning I am running around town doing errands and I get a call from him on my cell phone. He has left work and he is at the house wanting to talk to me. I get there to find he has been crying. He says he doesn't want a divorce, he only wants to stop feeling the way that he does. I just look at him. I can't even tell him that he obviously has something clinically going on with him, because when I have in the past it erupts in intense denial followed by him getting very angry at me for even mentioning it. The counselor did get him an appt to take a MMPI test at the end of the month, but my husband seems to think it will show he is fine. I am miserable without the man I fell in love with, not to mention it's becoming more and more difficult to stay connected and "in love" myself. Most of the time I just cry because I am so lonely and needing him to be normal again. I have done a bit of reading and I am wondering if he might have tendencies to be bipolar? I am trying to find the right thing for me to do in this situation. How do I support him best and stil get strong myself? Well anyway, I try to find reason in all of this and I seem to fail miserably. Thanks for letting me vent again.....it really helps.

Rachel