Bad day...poss trigs
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| Wed, 03-31-2004 - 5:39pm |
But in my mind it is yet another sign of my failure. I always seem to be second choice, most likely because I never do anything wholeheartedly...I'm on the waitlist at another school mainly because I didn't do enough medical-type activities to show that I'm dedicated to the field...which is true, I'm not particularly dedicated to it. I also feel like whenever my "people skills" come into play, I fail...I feel sure that my anxiety and lack of self-confidence and maybe even my depression become apparent in interviews.
This wouldn't be such an issue except for the fact that I don't see any direction in my life...and other people seem to recognize that, for example by not giving me scholarships. It would have been very easy to decide to go to med school if I had 4 years of tuition already paid for...but now I'm faced with the prospect of taking out loans to do something I'm not sure I can do or want to do...
On top of that, I got a migraine yesterday (the first in a long time) that has continued into today...maybe from less-than-adequate sleep (7 hours a night, not bad, I thought) or cutting back on my eating, or stress, I don't know...and I worked only a half day at my job. Even that half day felt like forever...I can't stand this job, and it's worse when the room seems to be spinning and my head is killing me. Tomorrow I know I will need to show up for the whole day...but in the past, my migraines have always been followed by a day of nausea and even vomiting...so I don't think I have much to look forward to, whether I go to work or stay home because I'm sick.
I just feel like I'm in an extremely uncomfortable place in my life right now, maybe some kind of a crossroads. My dad emailed me about what he thinks I should do (move out soon to the city where I'll be going to med school), and offered a huge amount of support... but for some reason it feels like just more of his over-controlling nature coming through...or maybe I am just mad because he is so willing to support me now that I am doing something he considers respectable, but he was so cruel to me throughout the rest of my life.
I'm sorry for whining, and I know there's no good reason for it. I guess at least it has been good for me to get it off my chest, even though it seems like I've been gone for so long that not many people can respond to me. At this point, though, I feel just absolutely horrible, physically and emotionally...I honestly don't see a lot of value in going on, although of course I will because I am too weak-willed even to harm myself.
Thanks for listening,
Rose

Any ideas?
Thanks,
Rose
((((((((((((((((((((((OH Sweetie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am sorry that you didn't get the scholarship and that this is causing you to feel badly about yourself.
(((((Rose))))), most days lately our board has been extremely busy.
You and I are both superachievers. I am older so maybe I have gotten better. I just remember when I was accepted to a very respectible law School, I began degrading myself for not getting into a particular top 5 school. (It was a major, major trauma.)
Do you have any clue how hard it is to get into medical school? I have a relative that is a top notch, world renown surgeon who GOT WAITLISTED the first time applying for medical school. You are very, very smart but once you get into the elite you are moving in, you just can't expect to be on top all the time. When you are top 2% academically, don't always expect to be the top .005%
By the way, recently, a very successful colleague asked me where I went to law school. I told her. Her comment was "I wasn't smart enough to go there." So much for the years I berated myself.
STOP BEING SUCH A PERFECTIONIST.
S.
I've talked with my therapist pretty often about my very high standards for myself, and I think that they play a part too. I base almost my entire self-worth on what I do (or will do) for a living, what kind of impact I make on the world...even as a teenager, I always got upset around my birthday because I thought I "should" have written a novel or done something similarly impressive by that age to be worth anything.
Since dealing with my fibromyalgia, I have had to scale back on my definition of success, or even of a "good" day...but I guess I have scaled back only a little bit, especially now that I am feeling a lot better. I still feel so incredibly uncertain about every aspect of who I am, about what success means to me...so I think I often use other people's definitions of success as substitutes for my own. I think you bring up some really good points...I hadn't really thought about this issue in this way.
My therapist has been trying to get me to make a list of other options besides med school, just so I can see that they exist...but it has been very difficult for me because I see my future as either "success in med school" or "complete failure"...extreme black-and-white thinking, I know! But last night I did come up with a few options, as unappealing as they may be to me...I even listed joining the Peace Corps for a few years until I figure out what I really want to do.
I don't know, though, since there are a lot of things about medicine that I do find interesting (I like the science and the human interaction), and it would maybe let me make a small difference in other people's lives. So I'm not sure...I am supposed to meet a friend of mine (well, acquaintance) who is in town later tonight...he is in his first year at the med school I am planning to attend...and he thinks I'm just silly for not being sure about my desire to be a doctor. I guess everyone's different, though.
Thanks again, and I hope your own decision about your job turns out well,
Rose
Sorry, rambling as usual! Thanks again for your support...not getting the scholarship is definitely disappointing...but I guess it just brought up some bigger issues for me that made me upset. It actually makes my decision about whether to go to med school at all a lot harder...if I had gotten the scholarship, it would have been nearly impossible to turn down...but now I am not sure what I want to do...most likely still med school, but you never know...
Thanks, and I hope your weekend starts off well,
Rose
But I guess what upset me more is that I felt like the outcome of this scholarship thing was largely under my control...that I should have done activities to show that I'm dedicated to medicine, and I should have put my whole heart into those activities. As it is, I ended up on a waitlist and as a scholarship alternate mainly because I haven't shown much dedication to medicine, as I wrote earlier. So I guess I am mostly mad at myself for living life so half-heartedly and passively...
I can definitely relate to your story about law school...I used to put my own undergrad down pretty often, only to hear sometimes that smart people I knew didn't get in...so you make a good point. And even though I was waitlisted, it was at the number 1 school in the country...so I know I am being silly to feel bad about that...but still somehow I manage to feel bad! I think it's more about my lack of effort and motivation than about anything else...
Thanks so much for your post...you helped me feel not so alone in this,
Rose