more info on eating and me
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| Fri, 04-02-2004 - 10:51am |
I want to answer pamelas question first ...what do I think an eating disorder is well in my opinion someone with an eating disorders is rail thin who never eats an ounce of food who looks very ill hair falling out ect.....
For me I feel that I do not have an eating disorder I am not stick thin I do not have hair falling out I am not in poor health actually I had a physical a few months ago and my doctor told me that I was in perfect health nothing wrong with me..So I feel that I am fine...I am not upset with you Pamela please do not think that I just wanted to answer your question.
As for the other replies I read the articles that the ivillage health librarian left me a link about and I feel that I do not have any of those signs and symptoms..it was all very interesting to read about.
What you all have to understand is that I am just afraid to get fat the women in my family are all over weight I am the only small one in my family always have been when I was pregnant with my son I went from about 100 pounds to about 185 pounds the day of delivery I weighed in at 185 pounds that is big...I am 5'2 so that is huge for someone my height over the next few years following hs birth I went to a size 14 then 12 then 10 and so on When I went shopping and put on a size six jeans I cried I didnt wear a size six in so long then I went shopping again size 4 then 2 then 1 then 0 I was so happy you have no idea and I vowed to never get heavy again no matter what I had to do I will not have children again because of what it does to my body I refuse to have children I know sick huh but it reaks havoc on you and I do not want to go thru that again.
I admit that things got out of control for a while when I went into the hospital last june they wanted me to go into the eating disorders ward but I told them no that I ddint have an eating disorder I started to diet alot because after Jakob went to live with his father my life went on a downward spiral I felt that I lost control of my life so I knew that the one thing that I could control was my eating and how happy I got each time I lost weight how many compliments I got once people knew I had a baby they thought tht I looked great I felt so good then came the vomiting I weighted myself one morning and the scale said 98 pounds I freaked out I needed to be 90 pounds that was my goal I needed to do something so I would eat my lunch just a small lunch and vomit right away that wokred very well withing about 2 weeks I was 93 pounds and happy again until my neice saw me do it and my sister found out so I told my therapist she said she knew I was vomiting because she used to be a bulimic and could tell by the way my face looked how I was loosing my voice ect...she say signs but wanted me to tell her I told her I was taking laxatives I would go thru a box of 48 pills in a week used the stimulant kind and it got to the point where I could not use the bathroom any longer on my own..sorry to be graphic... so I stopped the laxatives stopped the vomiting stopped working out 2 hours a day 7 days a week but I felt myself getting fatter so I baught alot of diet pills and made what I call my coctail just a variety of different pills stopped that and just ook my vitamins my water pills and my thermal cut pills that worked great ran out of the diet pills and have not had time to get new bottle o I am kinda stressed.
I will eat and times I will over eat in one sitting I can eat a days worth of food this is not something that happens often but it does happen.
So I know that there is something wrong I know that I also know that I do not have an eating disorder what I wanted to know is what all of you feel is an eating disorder that is what I was curious about becuase each person has different idea.
I know that people get worried about me but I am fine I am not sick I am not dying I am not frail or thin..I just would like some input I do not do what I used to do as you can all see in what I wrote so I am okay now no vomoiting no laxatives nothing like that....
The reason I am talking about this is because this body image I have for myself is what Marnie and I are going to start to work on since I hate myself I think that I should try to like myself at least a little then maybe I wont be alone anymore.
Thanks for being there
Erin

Erin, honey, what an awesome post!
I am happy that you answered my question! And even happier that you aren't angry!
I haven't really thought about what I would consider an eating disorder. I guess it would be someone who feels that they have to be thin to be worth something and is obsessed with being a certain and way too low weight.
I am glad that you are Marnie are talking about it, because I worry about you and your eating.
Take care
Pamela
It's your lfe and you get to decide what you think is an issue of isn't. I think that everyone here is responding to the many comments you have made about your obsession with you weight, though you are very thin. Also, your addiction to diet pills is a form of anorexia nervosa, whether you want to believe it or not. I don't know why you are so afraid of the label of eating disorder. I quite readily admit that I had one in high school, even though I wasn't nearly as thin as you are.
Princess Diana had an eating disorder and she was not rail thin. Her hair was beautiful, too. My hair has always been thick, shiny, etc. I never was malnourished. I just starved myself beyond what was a healthy, nutritional diet. Then I'd binge occassionally.
I have no interest in convincing you that you have an eating disorder. I'm sure that the diet pills aren't good for you, but I think that dealing with your self-hatred is the key to everything. Eating disorders are a way to try to control your life. Most women have a preoccupation with our weight. I think how far we are willing to go with it and whether those choices are healthy or not has a lot to do with an eating disorder. The official eating disorder has to do with actual weight rather than behavior. But most therapists look at the behavior over the weight. Someone can be an exercise addict and have a "normal" weight. That usually goes hand in hand with other behaviors, like laxatives and diet pills. But it is all part of an eating disorder.
I'm glad that you are dealing with your self-hatred in therapy. I'm glad that you are at a healthier weight for your height. I wouldn't worry about the label of eating disorder, if I were you. Knowing that you need to deal with and treat yourself better is the important thing.
Take Care,
MariaC
Erin, I am so glad
There are plenty of overweight people with eating disorders, but just different ones than the ones that are skinny. If somebody obsesses over every morsel they put in their mouth it's not healthy. You said that one of the reason for not having more kids was because you can stand what it does to your body. I understand that, BUT I think that it is not a healthy outlook on life. And afterall, isn't the inside what counts? I"ve had 3 kids and know what it does to your body. I probably will never fit again into a size 6, but I'm fine with a 10 or 12. I don't need to look like a supermodel and unfortunatley our society is not very supportive in this aspect.
Anyway............just my opinion..........Hugs Ilka