Double depression...or what? poss trigs
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| Sat, 04-03-2004 - 7:07pm |
Up until recently, I think I was somewhat (or more than somewhat) depressed about my life situation, my job, etc...but I didn't have that general sinking feeling in my stomach, the kind that doesn't seem to go away no matter what you do. I used to have that feeling a lot, but this past summer, after I started the supplement and medications I take, it mostly went away, much to my relief. So I was able to experience at least a little enjoyment of big things like getting into med school, and more minor things like getting home and drinking hot chocolate, etc (although at the time, I think I would have said I didn't enjoy these things much...so I guess it is all relative).
But now I am not just depressed about my life (my feeling of lacking direction, my mindless job, etc)...that sinking feeling is also back, even though I haven't acknowledged it until now. I have tried a lot of things recently to try to boost my mood...getting out for a walk at work, talking to a nutritionist and my therapist...even today, I went jogging (something that I used to be able to rely on for a "runner's high"...but nothing today)...and last night the one person I can halfway call a friend was in town, and we went out for a little while.
But nothing seems to help...I guess you could say my mood has gone from more reactive to almost completely non-reactive now. Even as hard as I was trying to help my friend have a good time last night, he told me I looked tired and down...it was pretty sad that he told me I needed to get some sleep when I have spent the last few days sleeping 12 to 13 hours a day (some because of a migraine that kept me home in bed)! Physically, I haven't been feeling good at all...very lightheaded today, but I forced myself to jog anyway... and I don't know if that's the whole reason I'm in this funk...
I'm sorry to post about being down when I know that my life, objectively, is not so bad. I really appreciate the replies to my last post, and you all don't need to feel obligated to reply to this one. But your replies did really help me get some perspective on my situation. At least now I realize that my mood may not be completely connected to any recent events in my life.
I guess what I am wondering is what else I can try to help lift myself out of this down phase...or if I just need to wait it out. I can usually tell myself that I will feel better soon...but I feel much more depressed than usual. Everything seems to trigger my feeling even more down...I guess I need to turn off the TV for a while, but that often seems like the only distraction from my own pain.
But even a preview to a real-life TV show (I know, I shouldn't watch trashy shows like "The Real World"!) made me come close to tears...in the preview, it becomes clear that one person has a problem with self-injury...and I'm not even sure why (maybe I'm too sensitive), but my heart really began to ache for her, to the point that I felt more like causing myself pain. OK, I'm getting off topic again...
Really I'm kind of scared by my own thoughts and feelings...I have a hard time pulling myself away from ideas of doing harm to myself. And my job is scheduled to end this week (although I could ask to work longer there), and I don't have anything else set up...I have had zero motivation to go to the library to write a cover letter (I don't have a printer here)...and I haven't been able to find a job that even resembles something interesting. Combine that with my worries about med school (and I found out yesterday that a girl I know got into the top school at which I was waitlisted...makes me feel even more inferior), and I'm kind of a mess...
I remember hearing about "double" or "dual" depression, in which a low-level depression (dysthymia) gets combined with a major depressive episode...I almost wonder if that's what I could be going through...although I guess my general state would probably be classified as a major depressive episode and not just dysthymia! :(
Thanks for listening, and I hope you all are having a good weekend,
Rose

Hi, (((((Rose)))))!!!
Why don't you go ahead and ask to stay longer at your present job? I know it helps me to keep busy and knowing someone is depending on me for something helps curb the harming thoughts.
I don't know if this helps or not----but at least you know you aren't alone!
Debbie
Annette
Thanks also for suggesting the hotline. I have called them a few times in the past, and they have at least helped me make it through the night. But I think I would have trouble using them as a resource generally...each time I have had to explain my situation again, and it has felt very awkward talking to a stranger about such personal things...like meeting a new therapist for the first time every time I call.
And there is that problem of mine that at times like these, my depression doesn't really seem to stem entirely from problems in my life...so there is this horribly down feeling that I can't seem to explain or account for...and the people answering the hotline haven't really been able to address that (and I wouldn't expect them to be able to).
But I will consider it as an option. I'm still seeing two therapists (who work together), each once a week...and now I'm adding a nutritionist once a week (for a little while) to that...I feel like I am getting the best help available, and still I feel so down.
Thanks again for your response, and I hope your extra afternoon of sleep helped you too,
Rose
It's hard to know for sure what to do, though...but you're very right that having a job does help curb thoughts of self-harm, and it forces me to get up and out in the morning. Weekends are especially hard for me because I don't have that structure...and the idea of being unemployed for a while is scary for the same reason.
So thank you...I'm sorry that you have these same feelings...I wish I could make it better for you too! Hope you have a good night,
Rose
I don't know very much about hormonal depression myself, though (although I do get in a much worse mood right before my period)...maybe you could try re-posting what you wrote as a new message so that more people might read it. I hope you find the support and info you're looking for.
Hugs,
Rose
Annette
Can you make a list of the things in your life that you are truly happy with? Are you truly happy that you are going to med school? That you are finishing your current job? With the friends that you have? etc etc.
What are you unhappy with? What aspects of those things make you unhappy?
Maybe you need to change medications, or just to talk to your doctor in order to figure it out a little better.
I commend you for doing all the things that you do, in order to get out of the ruts that can take us over. You do a great job and please keep up the jogging, meeting with friends, etc. How is your diet? I hear that food can greatly affect our diets.
I hope this gives you some ideas. It could simply be that you just need a vacation and not to be so busy! Anyways I hope this gives you some ideas. Please take care :)