how do i deal with this

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
how do i deal with this
5
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 10:51am

I said in my roll call this morning that one of the things I would switch is the fact that I let/was hurt so badly, the ending of my relationship help me build a prison that I find hard to get out of.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 4:03pm
{{{Trac}}}

I don't know sweetie, I have been asking myself the same thing lately!!

Sending hugs

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 3:24am
Hi there:

From what you describe, Tim needs to grow as a person. In a way, he is courting you by telephone. So, in the "courting" stage, people put their best foot forward. But, there are warning signs.

Obviously, Tim is upset because his ex-wife cheated on him. But, he only looks at the situation from his own point of view--which is: "she's an adulteress who did me wrong." He also thinks she is a bad mother who has ruined his kids because she won't practice tough love. As an outsider, I see these things as warning signs.

When women cheat, they generally don't do it for the sex. I think Tim has a lot of soul searching to do--he should be asking himself why his ex-wife felt the need to go elsewhere to find love, emotional support, and happiness. If you ask him why his ex-wife had an affair, Tim might say because she's a _____. You already noted that Tim is extremely opinionated. Maybe he doesn't leave any wiggle room for points of view that don't match his own. I suspect that Tim wanted to run the household HIS WAY--and it would not matter whether his wife was a stay at home mom or a working mom.

You've already noted that Tim's kids really don't want to be around him. I'm 46 years old and I know I wouldn't want to be around an opinionated tyrant either. Rather than blaming his ex wife, he should be assessing himself and trying to fix things with his kids so they can enjoy their time together.

Although you have built walls to protect yourself from hurt--I don't think your walls have anything to do with your good instincts. You are seeing red flags. The warning signs are there. He might be a knight in shining armor--or he might be a controlling man who tells everyone else what to do. The next time he calls, be subtle, but explore these issues. You won't know if Tim is someone you could fall in love with and build a life with until your questions are answered.

Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:01am

Hey, (((((Trac)))))!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 12:03pm

Barb,


Actually I brought this up, because of two reason's.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:41pm
Hey, I know what you mean by the questions..."why does life have to be so complicated?" Gee I wish I knew the answer lol. Hmm this sounds a little tough. I think the ideal thing is to tell him straight out what you require in a relationship. If he has values, etc that dont match yours, I would tell him b4 you even get "officially" involved. I think thats pretty much all I can say. Tell him straight out what you need out of a relationship. If he has different needs, then I would consider it a bit longer. Maybe you would be better off as friends in that case. I would also try to spend more personal time together (in person) and see how that goes. I heard that 90% of communication is body language. Perhaps being with him would clear it up a little more. I wish you all the best of luck :) Take care