I'm sorry guys. I just need someone to listen to all my complaints for a minute or two. I wonder what it's like to have a husband who cares enough to listen...............First of all, I'm sorry that I feel bad all the time. My therapist, my doctor, they both keep trying to fix it---who knows, maybe someday they will. My husband is diabetic. He keeps it under control with meds. He feels mine should work the same way. I feel terrible. I keep trying to do what I'm suppose to and I just feel like I'm getting further and further behind. I am the director of a young artist competition for my orchestra. I have been for about 10 years or so. Yesterday, the mother of one of winners called and said her daughter had decided not to participate. I have never had this happen before. The girl's orchestral parts cost us a fortunate to rent, so I said the first thing I could think of. I told her mom that was fine, but that she was responsible for the rental fees. I believe this particular piece of music cost the orchestra about $500 just to rent! The reason she wants to quit is that it is too far to drive. Well, the last time I looked at a map---the distance from her town to mine was the same as it was in November when she auditioned! This probably isn't making any sense to any of you----but it's a big problem. The concert is April 24th. It features my winners---they get to play solos with the orchestra and recieve cash prizes.
The other thing is my resume. I worked hard on it----I would so like to be offered the teaching position I interviewed for last week. I showed it to much husband and he said he guessed it was ok. Such words of praise---why do I bother?
I really need to take a day or two off. If I had the flu, I would not hesitiate---but since I'm just having a depressive episode, I don't dare. We only have three days this week. Then my daughter comes home on Friday and stays til Monday. I know I should be happy---but I just don't have the energy to do everything I need to do. The insane part is that I keep thinking if I kill myself now she's already here for the funeral. MY---aren't I considerate?
Since I 'fired' my therapist last week and I don't see the new one til the 29th---I don't even have anyone to call.
Have I bored you all enough yet? I'd better go. Debbie
You've been doing so much even while you feel so bad...so if you can, try to look at what you have gotten done and not at how far behind you seem to be (although I know that is much easier said than done!). The situation with that girl in the competition dropping out sounds really frustrating, as does your husband's lack of enthusiam about your resume. But I know that even so, you are making a difference in the lives of your students and the participants in that competition...it may be very hard to see at times, though, I agree!
I know how you feel about not daring to take a day off for a depressive period...I have felt the same way recently. As you told me, though, sometimes work can at least keep your mind busy and give you responsibilities to live for...but maybe in your case things are getting so hectic that you really could benefit from the time off. If so, can you try to take just one day off? I've heard of many people who take "mental health" days... one person even told my boss that was the reason she took a day off last week!
I'm sorry if this hasn't helped much...I wish I knew what would help you feel better. Most importantly, though, I want you to know that you can come here and talk if you want to...and that you need to do everything in your power to prevent yourself from harm. You can even call the suicide hotline that Barb recommended to me. So please, stay safe...and I hope that things will look better very soon.
Hugs,
Rose
Now I have myself all mad again!!
Annette
Sweetie, you NEVER bore us!! That is what we are here for, to help each other. SOOOOOO....next time you have a post, I don't want to hear one I am sorry, okay???? lol
Anyway, if you want please email me a copy of your resume so I can tell you how wonderful it most likely is!!! Only if you want, though.
How old is your daughter? Where is she coming down from?
BTW, I think it's good that you told that mother that she had to pay for the rental fee. I would LOVE to be able to tell people that when they don't show up for their appointments that they have to pay. But it doesn't work that way for where I work!!
Take care sweetie. Email me anytime, all the time!! I love hearing from you.
Pamela
((((((Debbie))))))), I am so excited for you that your daughter is coming!
I wish you all the best and please take care of yourself ok :) HUGS and please let us know how you are doing.
I know it's hard to post during the week. I always feel like I only ask for help and then I never seem to have time to respond to anyone else's posts. Plus---sometimes the energu level is so low it's impossible.
You're right, I did tell you to keep busy and now I'm talking about taking time off! Whoops! I did go today and will tomorrow---but Wednesday as it turns out is a very busy day with lots of stuff going on and I'm actually only going to have 3 classes come to music====so I may just play sick and use the time to work on the house. I know that will help with some of my bad feelings. I cannot stand for things to be out of place.
Hope your day went well. Debbie
I'll try to e-mail you my resume, altho, I tried to send it to a friend this weekend and never did manage. I don't know what I was doing wrong!
My daughter is probably about your age which makes me old I suppose. The wierd thing about it is I don't feel old---I feel like I'm about 25----
Angela is 26 and teaches dance in Killeen, TX---right outside of Austin. She's at a high school. She graduated from Southwest Texas University with a degree in Dance and a minor in psych and ended up being hired right away. Hopefully, she'll find a job closer to us someday soon.
Talk to you later, Debbie
The crisis of the quitting violin soloist has been averted. It was thru the symphony I play with---not my school---but I seriously would have made them reimburse the orchestra if the girl hadn't played the concert. Anyway---she is now playing and all is well.
I'll try to send you my resume as well.
Yes---I have a son. He is 27, very good looking and attends a university near us. He spent a few years in the Marines and is now working on his degree. He plans to go to law school----and moved back in with us last year to save money.
Later----Debbie