back and ready to talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
back and ready to talk
5
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:23pm
sorry i have been m.i.a.- i just started a new job and i have been really busy lately...

i feel like i have a bunch of stuff inside me that i can't tell anyone but you guys- i just know that other people wouldn't understand- first of all, i don't like working. not like normal people i don't like it, but like it makes me depressed and not want to get out of bed. even when i was being lazy because i didn't have a job, i was happier. now i am not. but at the same time, i feel like i have to/want to have a job to make money, be normal, and keep some sanity. i am thinking of this job as not forever, but until i find something that i like better. my boss means well, but is so stupid and a pig guy. he is open about being a "player" and having girlfriends and interests in other women besides his wife that he has a kid with. he doesn't know his stuff that well- he did a body composition test on me wrong and said that my body fat (25% by his miscalculation) made me fat and i needed to lose fat weight. that was my first day and i just have had a bad taste about it ever since. why is it that myself and anyone close to me thinks i am skinny verging on too skinny (5'8" 117 pounds) and i have to listen to psychotic employers tell me that i am fat all of the time? are we in the twilight zone???

i was actually upset today because i want to just act (which takes alot of guts, patience, and possibly some money)- but i want to just skip the bad stuff and make good money doing it. i also am frustrated with some stuff with my boyfriend-

you guys know i am head over heels in love. i am, so much. i guess it is hard to be that vulnerable. i want to run away from chicago right now, but i wouldn't want to leave him. i am more than happy to make sacrifices for him like that, but i just want him to move more quickly in return. i don't even know if that is fair. he is amazing. he is always there for me if i need him, he is so supportive, we have actually spent the past 4 days together and i got spoiled. he includes me in everything and is pretty clear that he wants me in his life forever. but he still only wants to have me sleep over once a week (saturday the only day he doesn;t work) and i really don't know what his timeline is right now for moving in/engagement/whatever. i feel like i want that now, like i am ready for it, and i feel like a little kid stamping her foot saying "i don't wanna wait!" but i know how far he has come from thinking before he met me that he may never find the right girl and making himself comfortable knowing that it may be just him forever. that's why i don't want to push him too much. i know he wants those things, it just takes him more time than me.

i guess i just need something right now. my boyfriend is probably my best friend, and he lives here. but besides him, my two closest friends that live in the same are as me live driving distance away and i don't have a car so i don't see them all that much. one of my very best friends lives across the country. my closest friend in high school (who was probably my closest friend ever) lost touch with me for the past few months after changing alot and moving away- i went to call her recently and she had changed her number. it hurt so badly that she hadn't even contacted me to give it to me. whatever the excuse, i'm sure there is some validity, but when someone is importnat to you, you make sure they know how to reach you. i miss my mom who i am incredibly close to and i am used to seeing all of the time. my dad has been horrible so even if i wanted to figure out how to go see her, i wouldn't want to be stuck with him. basically, i feel a little lonely. i miss having my mom and my friends always there.

i have been having moments of pretty bad depression lately and i want to deny it. i don't want it to be there, and i don't want to say it out loud and make it true. i don't want to scare anyone either. i don't know what i want with my life, but i want something that i don't have and i don't even know what it is. i am assuming it is along the line of friends/job/commitment. health definitely factors in there. i had been doing so well and the past week i have been a mess- my blood pressure was taken at work that same day as the body fat and it was 90/60. i knew i was dehydrated and sick and i felt lightheaded. i just can't take my stupid mind and body! i want new ones! i will stop rambling. thanks for letting me get this out. you guys are the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:01am

Hi, (((((Voguegirl)))))!

AcornLeaves
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:08am
Hey voguegirl, Wb. Congratulations on the new job, and of course jobs arent set in stone so this is like a stepping stone for you. As far as your employer, umm well I cant even say what I think of him here but I think you get the gist! >:(

What right does he have to tell you that your fat for crying out loud! You clearly are not even close to fat or chubby for that matter, however whether someone was fat or not, who the heck is he to tell you? Is there a valid reason he is checking everyone's physical stats anyways?

Im glad to hear that your relationship is going so well. I hope you guys have a very long and happy life together. I know some people work slower than others when it comes to marriage, and its all good. It doesnt mean they love the other person any less.

Ive lost touch with good friends too, and most of them in a hurtful way. It didnt seem like they cared at all to stay in touch with me. Why dont you plan a day to go out with your friends - they can pick you up and you can buy them lunch or give them gas money? The phone and email are also great when you cant see someone.

HUGS and take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:29am


Hello there stranger,

I am gonna start with your boss cause that upset me with what he said to you first off he should take a long hard look at himself before he says something mean to someone especially about their weight. he is a player is married and has a kid he is so not a nice person and i believe in karma so he will get his..okay then now that I got that out....

Now for the boyfriend thing...I can understand why he would want to take it slow especially since he is comming out of the mind frame that he would be alone forever and then he found you and fell in love with you and realized that he was not going to be alone forever because he met this great person who showed him all the great things that he never thought he would ever have and now he wants you there for ever so try to not stress on it too much in time he will come around and be ready to do all the things you want him to do he loves you, you are both so head over heels for one another that your time will come he probably is just kinda old fashioned you know and maybe he wants you to stay there when he knows that he can give you all the attention that you deserve.

I know what it is like to loose touch with people I used to have a huge circle of friends then I moved away and lost touch with some of them one passed away sept 21st of 2003 a few went to jail some rehab and some well we just out grew one another but I figure the true friends are the ones that are always there for you no matter the distance between you the ones that kinda drift away were not true friends anyways, also with your mom I am sorry that you cant be as close to her as you would like, I have never been close to my mom she really isnt the type of person to go and do things with her daughters we will go out to eat but thats about it we really dont have the best relationship but I am trying to make it a bit better.

Honey I just want you to be happy totally and completley happy with everything about yourself you have so much good inside of you and you are sweet kind loving compassionate you have a good soul and heart dont ever think different about yourself you are perfect the way you are ya you have the depression but you are a fighter and you will be okay as for your stomach something will come your way and make you feel better I know it is hard but try to be patient.

We all love you here

talk to you soon.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:07pm
thanks barbara, idreamy and erin for writing me back! it is a fitness position that i took- personal training (other stuff at the club too to fill the time when there aren't clients). that's why the fitness evaluation- he was showing me how he wants it done to clients and showed me on me first. it's pretty routine- except the part about him telling me i'm fat- he's nuts though so i will try to ignore it. i know it's not true, it was just annoying.

i just finished my first full course of acting (9 weeks worth) it was great! chicago is pretty expensive for acting classes though - $400ish per class so i am waiting a little bit until i take the next one. but i loved it and will keep it up as long as i can afford it- my goal is to get jobs in acting to pay for the classes.

my stomach is on and off as usual. hopefully it will be more on than off.

thanks for all of the suggestions. one of my friends comes into the city all of the time and she is coming to see me tonight, so that is nice. i know i need to be patient with my boyfriend. i am totally willing to be patient, it's just when everything else gets crazy, it is harder to have patience.

thanks for all of your help- you guys are the best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 3:02pm
Good to see you here, VG!

I was going to answer this post yesterday, but I kept getting called away from the computer.

I completely know what you mean about a real job. The suck the life out of me. I'm so grateful that I get to work at home with my guy. However, I really miss the social aspect of work. It was even worse the first 3 or 4 years. It also makes a big difference if you like what you are doing. I think my boss usually was the determining factor of if I like a job or not. Clearly, you boss is both incompetent and a scumbag. Ick.

I'm glad that you know how ridiculously wrong he was about your body fat. Imagine the damage he has done calculating that incorrectly for people heavier than you who don't know anything about. I've known a lot of people who've it done incorrectly. As you and I both know, 117 is considered underweight for your height. Nuff said about that.

I am in a similar boat to you about friends. I have some, but they are all so busy all the time that I'm lucky to get a 20 minute phone call a week. However, I live with my guy and he's my main social outlet and best friend. It's much harder when your boyfriend only lets you spend the night once a week. I understand that you don't want to put premature pressure on him to commit faster than he's ready to commit, but I think saying that you want to sleep over a couple more nights a week is a VERY reasonable request at the stage you two have reached. You've been together for about 6 months or so, right? Every woman I know would INSIST on staying over more often. Most would complain about it quite a bit. You aren't pressuring him to move in or get married. Asking for more nights a week is a really appropriate move forward at this stage. If he can't do that, then you should ask him how you are supposed to feel about being relegated to such a small percent of his time. You can be gentle and nice about it, but you have needs and they aren't getting met right now.

I'm glad that you popped back onto the board. I haven't been around too much, but I check in every two or three days and usually answer one post or so. Take good care and keep in touch!

Love,

MariaC