to be the me I know I can be
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| Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:21pm |
I went to therapy last night and I just talked my poor therapists ear off.....
I have decided to make alot of changes in my life alot of good changes that I know I am strong enough to do now.
I have decided to start a plan a two week plan where in the next two weeks I ween myself off of the smokes and quit for good so wish me luck everyone.
I have also decided to make a huge effort to learn to like who I am saying positive things to myself instead of the negative last night the whole way home I just kept saying out loud that I was a good person pretty small but a start none the less.
I have decided to write out all the negative things I saw to myself as I am saying them and then countering them with a positive thing in the hopes that if I do it enough I can change my thoughts.
My therapist asked where I was the me that she is so used to seeing I just told her that I am tired of it all and I want to change into the person that I know I really am.
We talked about where I was one year ago how I thought I was a monster how I was on the verge of killing myself how I hated myself so much that I was cutting and using drugs and drinking and I look at how I am now I no longer cut I do not use drugs I very rarley drink I am not taking the laxatives and diet pills I dont sleep around like I used to I have done so much good for myself in the past year and all of those things are stuff that no one in my family can see because they didnt know and still dont know any of it went on but I know and I see how much I have come and I figure why not take it to the next level.
So my first thing is to stop smoking I have smoked since I was 15 and am now 29 and I hate it and I want to stop and I plan on being a non smoker my the time I go to visit my son in July that gives me three months to become smoke free and I know I can do it.
I just feel that this is my year to finally become better I know I am not the monster I thought I was a year ago and I know that I am a good person and I also know that sometimes I am hurtful but never on purpose I also know that I can become sucessful in all that I want to acomplish.
Thanks ladies for letting me post and I love sharring with you all when good is happening in my life
Love you all
Erin

Erin, honey, your post brought tears to my eyes.
My goodness - i am SO proud of you for changing all of these things about your life. It does sound hard to not have some of the people who love you know how much you are changing for the better. Almost as if it doesn't matter - but it does! I'm really impressed and it inspires me to try to do better for myself as well.
I wish you the best of luck with quitting smoking - I know that it is really reallly difficult from friends of mine who are constantly trying to quit but just can't seem too. it's an incredibly powerful drug.
Best wishes and hugs - SarahLeigh
yay!
i love that things are going so well for you. it sounds like you are totally on the right track. it sounds like your therapist has some great ideas. you know what i used to do? my friend taught me to tell myself how great i was, how pretty i am, how smart, etc and to almost do it like a play when we went somewhere. at first, it was like i was pretending to be someone and it was weird- but then i started believing some of that stuff and my self-confidence was so high. i was getting boyfriends that i never would have even talked to before and i got a fun job and i was enjoying myself. i don't even know if that is a good thing or can work for "adults"- i was in college at the time. but it's just a thought. i am glad that you are on the right track. i have noticed you doing so many things for yourself that are positive and show that you are going in the right direction. i'm proud of and happy for you! you go girl! :)
I am so happy that you have this awesome motivation to take control of your life. I think your ideas on how to do this are great. you sound so happy and charged up. It is really nice to know you feel that good. Good luck with all of your goals, I wish you the best. Let us know how it goes!!!!
I'm so happy to read your post!!! It really is amazing how much work you have done on yourself this past year. It's incredible how far you've come. I haven't done a tenth of what you've done, but I feel pretty good about the work that I've done. Learning to say no to the addictions you have that are bad for you is HUGE. Every one of those addictions has a big draw. It's fantastic that you've done that much in so little time. In fact, doing that much growth in 10 YEARS would be a lot.
I didn't know that you had stopped the pills. That's really great, as well. I was down for a few weeks recently. Then on Monday I realized how I was telling myself all this negative stuff and I didn't even realize it. So I decided to stop saying that to myself and I felt so much better in a just a few hours. It was hard because I thought all of the negative stuff I said inside m head was TRUE. I was thinking that if my ex boyfriend could have so much with another woman, then I must be worthless. I didn't convince myself that this wasn't true, I just decided to stop calling myself worthless. And then I was able to enjoy all the good things I already have. It's hard when we've been so used seeing ourselves badly our whole lives. I stopped thinking that stuff about myself last year, but then I fell back into the habit. It's so subtle. So just remember that if you backslide, it's just a matter of picking yourself back up again.
I have found that curling up in my bed and telling myself "I love you, Maria" is the most healing thing I can do. It has completely changed my relationship with myself. I like myself now. It sounds silly and small, but it's so powerful!
I'm here for you, Girl. Way to go on all your growth and your commitment to yourself in the future. Like I said to you before, you are the only one who can make yourself happier. I know because I tried to get everyone else to change for me, and give me happiness, but I was just as miserable as ever!
Love,
MariaC
I'm new to the board and when I read your message I was wowed! You have come so far and have such wonderful expectations for yourself and such a positive outlook. Congratulations and please keep us posted so we can root you on. You are an inspiration for those of us just starting down the long path.
Best of luck,
Tam
p.s. I'm going through the quit smoking thing too. It's been 2 weeks and still sneaking in 5 or 6 a day, but it's better than 2 packs a day! I will beat it eventually.