mom - not coping well...
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mom - not coping well...
| Thu, 04-08-2004 - 5:24pm |
I feel like I am losing my mind.
I wake up full of great ideas and hope...today i wanted to take the girls (4 yrs and 6 mos.) to the store, come home, dye eggs and make cookies and happily play. The 4 yr old turned into a holy terror at the store. The 6 mo old screamed as if in agony the whole way TO the store and the whole car ride home. We bought nothing. I screamed at the 4 yr old that we never get to do anything fun because of her behavior.I know I stress her out too, and she is already an emtional eater.
In some ways I "have it all" - a nice DH, a great house, beautiful kids, a great car, nice in-laws, "relatively" normal parents. I have the most difficult time being happy. I feel overwhlemed, anxious, ugly, fat, tired, and sad. I LOVE my babies. But they are so demanding, they sleep with us (we've TRIED giving up family bed but it's so stressful we give in...) so we have no couple-life anymore. I have no real babysitting help, the 4 yr old goes to preschool a couple days a week but I don't like leaving the baby with anyone, my parents are elderly and no help in that area. I need to go to the Dr. and the therapist but stress about what to do with the baby. What if she "freaks out" if I take her? She is having an awful time teething. I have seen a counselor, while PG, and have been on Zoloft which does help, but now it's almost run out and the thought of even making the appointment and taking the baby is stressing me out. I'm not crazy about the Dr. anyway, she seemed snooty. I KNOW what I need to do to feel better - talk to someone, take my meds, exercise, stop so much caffiene (and wine) - stop before I yell and think... I logically KNOW all of that but I can't seem to DO any of it. DH thinks I "cop out" and whine about nothing. He said "I get everything I want" but what I really want is my bed and sex life back...To go to the bathroom alone, just once a day...To have time to exercise for 30 minutes without finding crayon on the walls, or my 4 yr old sneaking candy under the dining room table. The baby cries a LOT if she's not coddled, so she's in my left arm as I type. ( the 4 yr old is outside, hopefully not lying unconcious from a fall off the slide....note guilt for not watching her 24/7...)
My parents think any kind of mental help is a "stigma". I feel like hiding at home all of the time instead of dealing with trying to get decent enough to go out, get all of the kids' stuff organized, and then deal with them in public...I've become an exhausted, overweight, sad, angry mom, and I hate being this way.
I wake up full of great ideas and hope...today i wanted to take the girls (4 yrs and 6 mos.) to the store, come home, dye eggs and make cookies and happily play. The 4 yr old turned into a holy terror at the store. The 6 mo old screamed as if in agony the whole way TO the store and the whole car ride home. We bought nothing. I screamed at the 4 yr old that we never get to do anything fun because of her behavior.I know I stress her out too, and she is already an emtional eater.
In some ways I "have it all" - a nice DH, a great house, beautiful kids, a great car, nice in-laws, "relatively" normal parents. I have the most difficult time being happy. I feel overwhlemed, anxious, ugly, fat, tired, and sad. I LOVE my babies. But they are so demanding, they sleep with us (we've TRIED giving up family bed but it's so stressful we give in...) so we have no couple-life anymore. I have no real babysitting help, the 4 yr old goes to preschool a couple days a week but I don't like leaving the baby with anyone, my parents are elderly and no help in that area. I need to go to the Dr. and the therapist but stress about what to do with the baby. What if she "freaks out" if I take her? She is having an awful time teething. I have seen a counselor, while PG, and have been on Zoloft which does help, but now it's almost run out and the thought of even making the appointment and taking the baby is stressing me out. I'm not crazy about the Dr. anyway, she seemed snooty. I KNOW what I need to do to feel better - talk to someone, take my meds, exercise, stop so much caffiene (and wine) - stop before I yell and think... I logically KNOW all of that but I can't seem to DO any of it. DH thinks I "cop out" and whine about nothing. He said "I get everything I want" but what I really want is my bed and sex life back...To go to the bathroom alone, just once a day...To have time to exercise for 30 minutes without finding crayon on the walls, or my 4 yr old sneaking candy under the dining room table. The baby cries a LOT if she's not coddled, so she's in my left arm as I type. ( the 4 yr old is outside, hopefully not lying unconcious from a fall off the slide....note guilt for not watching her 24/7...)
My parents think any kind of mental help is a "stigma". I feel like hiding at home all of the time instead of dealing with trying to get decent enough to go out, get all of the kids' stuff organized, and then deal with them in public...I've become an exhausted, overweight, sad, angry mom, and I hate being this way.

Oh dear. My heart goes out to you for what you are doing and it is upsetting to me to hear about the lack of support that you are getting. Dealing with two small kids is clearly not an easy thing in general and even more so when YOU and your individuality and your needs get lost in the shuffle. I really don't know how you are going to do it and don't want to give bad advice as I don't know alot about raising kids but I wish you the best in finding some time for yourself - you absolutely deserve it. I am sending the very warmest thoughts and hugs - SarahLeigh
Welcome, (((((((Kelly)))))))!
((((((hugs)))))))
I totally identify with what you said in your post, and I think I understand how you feel. You sound just like I did for the first 4 yrs of my little girls life. I also knew what I SHOULD do, but couldn't seem to get it all together. One thing my therapist has been trying to get me to understand is that if I don't take care of me then I am no good for anyone. I know it doesn't seem possible when you have the kids, and all that, but if you make the commitment, it does get easier to follow through. Another thing that I had to learn (and it was HARD), was to trust other people to care for my child and to give myself permission to let her cry sometimes. I, too, have a very emotionally demanding child. She was from birth. I had to hold her all the time, she slept with me (I was a single mom), I couldn't set her down long enough to go to the bathroom! My friends actually put my freshly changed and fed child in her playpen in the living room and when she began to cry instantly for me to pick her up, they pulled me into the other room and sat on me to make me let her cry. I am not suggesting that you need this extreme of an intervention, I am just trying to give you some idea of how intense the situation was. My child was almost a year old at this time.
I also really think I know how you feel with the parents not understanding your need for help. Mine are the same way. Again, I had to just realize that my mental health is my responsibility and stop worrying about what they think. We don't talk about it much, but they now let me be.
I suppose this post is really long, but I just want you to know you aren't alone. I hope you know that you are entitled to want a "couple-life" with your hubby, and you deserve some alone time,too. It sounds like you have gotten too much in the habit of letting the kids decide what happens every day. Maybe if you take more time for you (for dr. appt, therapy, a bath), you will find that not only do you have more patience with the kids, but you will be more able to be firm-yet-gentle when setting the rules (such as no more sleeping in mommy and daddy's bed). That is what works for me, anyway.
I hope some of this helps, if in no other way than to let you know that you are not alone and there are people out there who care.
As I was reading your post, I was SHOCKED to see that it wasn't written by ME!! OMG, my situation is the exact same, right down to the family bed part!! I have been on lexapro since shortly after the birth of our DD (1.5yrs), which seems to help somewhat. When I say help, what I mean is things are exactly the same (no life btwn me and DH) and DD still is very demanding, only it doesn't bother me as much. Also, I work which helps me feel better, but I had to reduce hours just to keep some sort of work/home balance.
I have no family here to help, and have had no luck finding a babysitter for time w/DH. We've been out alone twice since DD was born-- and had to resort to a nanny service (expensive) just to go to a wedding and christmas party (not very romantic). Recently I told DH that I miss him and want to spend more time together (also, he is a workaholic). He didn't really seem to think it was an issue.
That just makes me feel like I'm making everything up in my head. I do take time for myself w/appts, salon, baths like people suggest, but it hasn't really helped me.
Seeing what you wrote-- I had to respond. I know I'm not providing any help here. I don't know what to do either, and I feel pretty miserable.
--your friend mbumblebee
If Im bring ignorant Im sorry but I think if this was changed, then you would feel more in touch with yourself and your husband. This will also teach them to be more independant. Yes, it will be very difficult but over time you will probably be very glad of that decision. No matter how hard it gets, please dont give in. It will probably serve you both very well.
I also suggest going to the doctor and possibly to a therapist for suggestions and help on weaning children away from your bed. The web should also have some suggestions too.
So I hope this is a good start. I would start with one thing at a time.
I think you also need to get better in touch with yourself...what are your likes? What are your dislikes? It seems like you have lost touch with who you are deep inside, outside of the "mom" label. Please discover yourself again. Take care :)
I have used boards for information on other topics, but today I just felt the need to visit this board. I suppose I was feeling like no one could really understand, and obviously I am wrong, since there is a post from someone just like me.
I will visit more regularly!
:-) a good thing!
My newest issue is that baby DD hates to shop. I have to put her in a front carrier and run through a store like a maniac. following lists are out of the question, coupons I cut out but they stay wadded up in my backpack. I have raging ADD and having "baby brain" makes for entertaining shopping. Currently I am out of: deoderant, conditioner, coffee creamer, shaving cream and laundry detegent. If I went to the store I'd probably come home with donuts, shredded cheese and Family Circle magazine but nothing on my actual list. I am a certifed nut case. Today I took baby DD to her 6 mo checkup. Not only was I not wearing makeup, I did not even get a brush within a 10 ft radius of my hair this morning. The kids looked cute though.
We bought a treadmill a month ago A sanity saver, I told DH. I;ve gotten to use it once. DH uses it every morning while *we* sleep, He's lost 6 lbs. I've probably gained 8....
And the saga continues...