I am not sure if I am in the right place

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
I am not sure if I am in the right place
6
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 12:28am
...but I am so lonely and tired of being lonely. I have never had a Best Friend and I am now 30 years old. Sometimes this doesn't bother me but times like today when I'd like to pick up the phone and chat with someone the void fills as deep as the Grand Canyon. I don't know why I have never had a friend. I guess I spent too much time with the wrong people thinking they were my friends. And now at the this point in my life the people I meet my age already have best friends and really don't want any new ones. I have a very turmultious relationship with my mother. I try to make new friends and think everything is going good until the weekend comes and they are too busy with their friends for me. I give Dinner Partys and no one shows. I plan things to do and then at the last minute they bail or don't return my phone calls until weeks later. Then I get that Generic "Hi. How are you?" email where they tell me of all the fun things they were doing over the past days. I am so tired of being hurt by people that I am putting up a wall and don't want to let anyone in. My husband has noticed and made the remark that I should just put a gun to my head and end his misery of dealing with me. That really hurt. So I stopped telling him my feelings. I hold all my hurt and lonliness inside. Sometimes I feel like I'd like to have a friend but then I think of all the horrible choices I've made before and figure that it's just not for me to have a friend. I try to examine myself and figure out what I am doing wrong. I asked one person and she just told me that no one likes me. She said I'll never have any friends. She said it's not neccessarily anything I do or don't do - it's just me in general. In my personal self examiniation I am not aggresive, rude, or selfish. People seem to have fun around me and for the moment seem to like me - I haven't had arguments or confrontations with anyone. I've never been acussed of rumors, gossip, or anything malicious. I help out people with anything they need if it's in my power to do it. But for some reason I am ALWAYS excluede
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 10:17am
wow, aym, I am sorry you are going through this tough time. This board is full of very supportive people, so I think you are in the right place.

You didn't say anything about how you try to meet friends in your post. I know it sounds silly, but maybe if you try joining a club or a class for something you enjoy, you might find some people who share your interests and would like to be your friend. If you are interested in the stars, for instance, you could join an astronomy class or a club. Or if you enjoy crafts, I know a lot of craft stores have classes, etc. This would give you an opportunity to meet people who enjoy the same things as you, and maybe you will find more things in common and become great friends.

I hope things look up for you soon!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 12:27pm
Damn--am so sorry that your husband said that to you! As if you didn't feel crappy enough, right?! I too have a hard time keeping friends, though I have a good personality and people always say how comfortable they are around me and my home. Had friends that lasted out of high school for several years, but then all of our paths changed and we lost the common denominator for our friendships. Other friends have come and gone; I can't seem to keep them in contact with me, despite any effort I make. I have trouble starting conversations most times, and that makes it hard for me to just go join some club that interests me.

This can be the right place to come talk. Check the other boards on iVillage too, there's tons to choose from and I talk on several. Give advice, take it, just chat. You may find some of us in a town close to you!

Don't lose hope, you can always find someone to talk to here! Just post that you need to chat--someone won't be long in a reply!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 10:28pm
Wow, it sounds like you have some really insensitive people around you. I can't believe that girl said to you that no one likes you. What kind of person would say that to another person?

I think that friendships are hard to create at this stage in our lives. After we are out of school, we don't meet as many people.

I also am really sad that your husband said that to you. I'm sure he meant it in a sarcastic way, but given how sad you are, you need positive support right now. He may not have the skills or awareness to give that.

Have you ever been in therapy? Therapy has helped me so much. It can help you look at your relationships and teach you how to create the relationships that you want.

I've had a touch time creating friendships as an adult. I have a few friendships that are casual. I spend almost no time with my friends and have short conversations. I have recently had more contact with the woman who was my best friend from college. That the closest thing I have to a close friend. Most people are so busy with their jobs and boyfriends or husbands. I've been learning to take friends as they are and for what time I have with them. I still would like a best friend, but I think that real friendship is very rare. A lot of my deeper feelings I only share with my husband and with the women I've met on this board. This a very supportive place with kind, understanding women. It's nice to have a place where people understand the ups and downs of depression. Coming to this board has helped me feel normal.

I'm glad that you found this place. I hope you will come back as much as you want to. I also encourage you to ask your medical doctor to recommend a good therapist. Going to a therapist has helped me so much. Cognitive therapy has a high rate of success with depression. My therapist has helped me to put so many things in perspective, especially in terms of my feelings and my past relationships.

All My Best,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 9:37am

Welcome!


I started reading your post and it was like looking a mirror at myself a few years ago.. I too never had a best friend or any real friends for most of my life.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 9:36pm
In many ways, I am like you. I have no friends. I really haven't in quite a few years. People just don't seem to like me. I'm not very comfortable around people and always feel like an outsider, left out. I've pretty much given up on ever having close friends, even though I did have some at different times in my life. I don't feel I have much in common with people. Since I suffer from clinical depression, I have a tendancy to be very negative and that's why my family tells me people don't like me. I just wish I was better around people and could connect with someone. You know what I mean, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 10:09pm
You're not the only one who feels that way. I've had times throughout my life when I have had no close friends to confide in. And during those times I feel very ashamed that I don't have friends - like it proves that I am a failure as a person or something. Now is one of those times when I really don't have any close friends. Sometimes in the past I have been part of a clique. I felt popular; it was a nice feeling. But when I was able to be a part of a group like that I was not depressed; I felt more confident in my social skills.

When I'm depressed, I feel an intense need for friends I can lean on for support, but that's when I seem to have no one. Depression makes you withdraw, even if you are not aware you are doing it. Also, it seems like people will pull away if they sense you are depressed, because it scares them.