Feel like I'm losing it...poss trigs

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Feel like I'm losing it...poss trigs
10
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 12:29am
I feel like I have hit a really low point. Everything seems to be coming to a head at once. I struggled through most of the work week in a dazed, half-asleep state (we were allowed to take Friday off, and I did)...if my work involved anything beyond copying and checking off numbers, I wouldn't have been able to do it. And then almost every night I came home, sat in front of the TV for an hour or so, and then went to bed for the night.

I did have three appointments after work, two with therapists and one with the nutritionist. I am very grateful for their time, but I am feeling ironically very overwhelmed and maybe even unable to accept that much help right now. As for the nutritionist, we talked about a lot of things, but mainly she gave me a general meal plan (number of portions of grains, protein, etc.) and told me to try it...if I couldn't do it, then maybe I have some kind of problem.

And most of the week, I kind of disregarded the meal plan (although I did try to get more protein)...I was too sleepy even to make it to the grocery store to buy the foods she suggested. I did go shopping yesterday, but only managed to buy one of the "better for you" foods. Still, even this small amount of change has resulted in a growing self-hatred...I am already so pudgy and out of shape, and this plan is most likely only going to make me gain weight.

Today I tried to eat the food I had bought, but as I had feared, I couldn't stop there... I ended up eating a lot of chocolate and just a lot of food in general...and I was so mad at myself that I ended up taking a kind of large dose of fiber tablets to stop my body from absorbing the fat, if that even helps. And yesterday and today I did exercise, but now my knees are sore and I am guessing I will be even sleepier tomorrow.

Speaking of sleep...after dragging myself through an hour of walking and slow jogging yesterday, I fell asleep at 7:00 in the evening and slept until 8:00 this morning... adding in naps, I slept 15 out of the 24 hours in the day! And I was truly exhausted, I think, not just trying to avoid life...somehow I seem to need at least 12 hours of sleep at night to feel even halfway refreshed the next morning!

But even in my dreams, I can't avoid my worries...I had a strange nightmare last night that I'm pretty sure was a metaphor for my fear that eventually, my true nature and all my failings will be "found out" by everyone...that I am setting myself up for failure by pretending to be able to live a "normal" life, when really I am just barely getting by, sleep-walking through most of it and hating every moment of it.

I guess some of this might have been made worse by the news I got today, that I am not even getting an interview for the other scholarship I applied for at med school. Especially after that news, I have felt very anxious and full of a negative energy...I feel like I need some form of destructive pressure-release. I guess over-exercising some might have served that purpose...but I still have a strong urge to hurt myself somehow. I just took my night-time meds, though, which included an anti-anxiety med, so hopefully I will calm down soon.

And my mom is coming to visit me tomorrow morning...I had planned to get my disaster of a room cleaned up before then (she had helped me clean it on a previous visit, and I feel bad that it has become such an incredible mess since then)...but I just ended up watching TV (which did at least make me laugh once or twice) and eating chocolate. I guess it is good timing for my mom's visit, since if she weren't coming, I think I would be more tempted to do something harmful.

Maybe I am just going crazy from self-induced isolation...I've noticed that my social anxiety has reared its ugly head again, and I never feel safe or relaxed unless I am alone in my apartment with the knowledge that my roommates aren't returning for a day at least...and even then...well, I guess I find ways to make myself anxious!

I'm sorry for this post, and for all my previous ones...especially after talking with people at my job, I realize what a nice, cushy life I have...no children to take care of, no real responsibilities or hardships...I probably sound like a pampered girl who makes up her own problems to get attention. Please let me know if that's how I come across... then I guess I will relegate these posts to a private journal or not write them at all. I just feel so lost and isolated from everything and everyone...I am both scared to death of social interaction and desperately in need of it.

As always, thanks for listening...I deserve any criticism you feel is appropriate...

Rose




Edited 4/11/2004 12:30 am ET ET by rosa444

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 9:44am

Not a single bit of critisism Rosa but I want to give you LOTS OF HUGS!!


((((((((((((((((((ROSA))))))))))))))))))))))

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 4:01pm
Thanks so much, Caly...it really helps a lot to know that you care. My mom's visit earlier today helped some, too, so I'm feeling a little better now...although still not good, of course. I hope you're managing OK too, with all the changes going on in your life right now...thank you for taking the time to post to me even when you're so busy.

Sending hugs back to you,

Rose

Avatar for legs2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 5:03pm
((((Rose))) I know that right now is hard. I too wish everything did not feel so difficult all the time. I am glad that you got some rest. Right now I am wondering how I am going to sleep tonight. I won't be home until 9pm if I am lucky. AND I have to wake at 4:30 to get to work. My family who is usually awesome does not get this concept.

I can so understand your whole last paragraph!! It is like I could have written the whole thing! You are so profoundly smart.

"I am both scared to death of social interaction and desperately in need of it. "

If that is not part of this illness stated so perfectly I don't know what is.

You always find a way to touch my heart. EVERY time you post. I am always glad you post, you always say something that is so intelligent and so connects to me.

Thank you. I know that may sound odd. But I appreciate your wisdom.....you think I am crazy, but you are one smart cookie. Though you don't know it right now.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Take care,

Lisa-)


Avatar for tinybuns
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 6:30pm
Just my 2 cents............but where in the world would you think you would get criticism from anyone on this board??????????

That's what this is all about..........venting, complaining, not understanding why we are going thru what we are................

I have the opposite problem as you, I have a hard time keeping weight on. But in a sense they are the same. I am recovered from anorexia/bulimia for almost 7 yrs now. And I thought things were going just great(I had gained weight was exercising, was in the best shape I ever was, finally had a butt) when all of a sudden things slowly started to go downhill..............

I thought, not THIS again. I have lost precious lbs & I don't like it, but yup, in therapy again and going to a physchriatrist(sp) to help with my meds. They probably are not working like they use to. One can become use to a drug I have learned. So I probably will be going thru the whole nine yards again, finding new meds that work. THAT is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO trying..........

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Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 1:07am
ok, a few things- first of all, the social isolation issue. i have had times in my life where i had tons of friends, tons of stuff to do, etc. and others where i am alone with no friends and feel uncomfortable around people. the advice i have for you that i know dfrom experience is to get out there and do stuff- anything. even going to the store and interacting- i had a few months where i wasn't working and it was freezing outsde and i could just stay in my apartment all day- but i would make myself walk to the grocery store every day to get this fresh bread and i wouls sometimes only see the people at the checkout and my doorlady- but i would stop and talk to them so i wasn't alone. the more you are around people, the less socially anxious- at least for me it's like that.

as for the food, i know i am coming in the middle of this- i'm sorry i haven't been around as much. i am assuming you were talking to a nutritionist about weight loss. don't worry- there are so many nutritionists or professionals in the field who don't take into account that you may not be comfortable changing everything all at once. i used to run a big weight loss website, and i went to school for health stuff so i may be able to help some. without saying too much in case you don't want my help, here are a few tips i picked up: 1. count your calories- you don't have to eat tofu and bean sprouts (or the icky atkins diet- that is the worst) to lose weight- as long as you keep track of how much you are eating. 2. one way to help combat eating a ton at once is not to let yourself buy a big thing of junk food (this is something i have to do or i would literally eat myself to death with sweets- it is the only thing i even like to eat and i can't stop sometimes!). instead, if you really want cookies, don't buy the whole bag, buy the snack size. or one candy bar. or the small individual serving of chips. if they aren't in the cabinet when the craving strikes, it's easier to avoid them. last, everyone struggles with this. you are the exact opposite of losing it- you are normal! :) hope this helps!!!! if you need anything, or want to know more about food stuff, email me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 1:23am
Whew! BIG DITTO!!! I hate going to places I don't know, just as much as I love to try something new. It creates a big whirlpool and I feel sucked down so much! I wouldn't say that you're creating problems from nothing! If it was nothing, you certainly wouldn't pay attention to it to get therapy. I know what you mean about sticking to a diet plan! It's sooo hard, especially once you've lived on comfort foods for so long. My best advice on that is to write down everything you eat--it makes it harder to justify that pint of ben and jerry's if you have to put in writing that you ate it. Sometimes disgust in yourself can be a good thing. Or, like my favorite thing to eat is pizza--so I tell myself only once a month can I have it. And stick to it. Try just weeding out one thing-just one--and it should get easier to do. I'm working on it. My thing is exercise. I like it...but I can't get motivated enough...wish I could hire a personal trainer. I like dancing, but don't do that except on weekends when I go out to a club. And that's not regular due to the above reason.

Anyone else besides your mom that would help? Or do they think that this is all in your head? Well, you can always post here! HUGS!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:44pm
Lisa, it's so good to "see" you again. I'm very sorry for not posting back to you earlier...once Monday comes, I seem to lose the energy to reply to my weekend posts!

But I really wanted to tell you that your post meant so much to me...I think it was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. I'm really glad that my midnight ramblings, as negative and roundabout as they seem to me usually, have somehow helped you a little.

I'm sorry that you are struggling to get enough sleep, too...being tired seems to make things so much harder to deal with. That became really apparent to me today...yesterday I was sobbing like crazy in my therapist's office, but today the computer system at work shut down (thank goodness!), and I was able to go home and take a nap...I feel a good bit more stable now.

I hope you are hanging in there all right, though...whenever you get a chance, I would love to hear about what is happening in your life.

Thanks and hugs back,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:56pm
Thank you, Tinybuns (I'm sorry, I don't know your real name)...I know that it is silly of me to expect criticism from this board (since all I have ever gotten is support and good advice)...I think I worry about receiving criticism so much that I have maybe gotten a little paranoid, though. My therapist is trying to help me stop worrying about what others are thinking of me (and of course in my mind, everyone is always thinking negatively of me)...but it is a hard habit to break.

I guess I wasn't very clear about my reasons for going to a nutritionist...I think maybe I'm not so different from you. My therapist suggested it because I have eating "issues"...probably less extreme than a disorder, but still definite issues. I went to the nutritionist with the hope that she could help me break out of my rigid eating habits...but after she told me that if I do start eating healthier, there is a good possibility that I would gain weight, it became hard to follow her plan.

I'm sorry that you are struggling with your weight as well...but I'm glad to hear that you are planning on finding a new medication or treatment that will help. I've had similar thoughts about my depression recently...I have been in treatment for it for so long, and once again I'm having sessions with my therapist in which I cry uncontrollably and lie to her about the extent to which I have thoughts of self-harm. Not this again, I've thought...I definitely can relate to that feeling!

I will be thinking about you and hoping that you stick with it...I will try to do the same. On a side note, I really hope that this post wasn't triggering to you...I am incredibly sorry if it has been. Please let me know if it was, and I will be more careful about what I post in the future.

Thanks so much for your post,

Rose

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:08pm
Thanks so much, VG...I can really relate to your experiences of forcing yourself to have some social interaction each day...I did try to do that while I was sick, but it was difficult at times, often because of how bad I felt physically.

But you are right, the more you are around people, the easier it gets...right now, though, it still feels pretty overwhelming for me. I am trying to take it one step at a time and talk to at least one or two people every day, even for just a little bit...it will probably get harder once I stop working, though (I'm not sure if I posted about this, but I'm getting more and more committed to moving in May and starting work at a research job at my future med school...there will be some time when I'm not working, though).

I'm sorry I wasn't clearer about my reasons for seeing the nutritionist...I did actually tell her that I wanted to lose weight, but she said that was not a goal on her list for me since I am technically slightly underweight for my height. But I think a lot of your suggestions are still helpful...I do the same thing with buying individual servings of junk food (because otherwise I am tempted to eat a whole bag and then feel horrible about myself and end up over-exercising or other kind of harmful things). My mom brought me a box of Girl Scout cookies for Easter, though (which I haven't had in years)...I haven't opened it yet because I'm scared that I won't be able to stop eating them!

And recently my hiatal hernia seems to be acting up again, so I don't feel much like eating...I know you can definitely relate to stomach issues! I have an appointment with the nutritionist again tomorrow, and I am pretty worried about it...I sought out her help, and now I don't seem to be implementing many of her suggestions at all.

I hope you are doing OK (well, better than OK would be nice, too!)...I'm sorry I haven't been around the board much, either. Thanks so much for posting to me and for the suggestions,

Hugs,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:11pm
Thanks for your post...it's nice to "meet" you, and I really appreciate the support. I wanted to at least reply to you, but unfortunately I think my night-time meds are kicking in, and I think I'd better get to bed...I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude...thanks so much for writing to me, and I hope to get to know you better!

Rose