Feel like I'm losing it...poss trigs
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| Sun, 04-11-2004 - 12:29am |
I did have three appointments after work, two with therapists and one with the nutritionist. I am very grateful for their time, but I am feeling ironically very overwhelmed and maybe even unable to accept that much help right now. As for the nutritionist, we talked about a lot of things, but mainly she gave me a general meal plan (number of portions of grains, protein, etc.) and told me to try it...if I couldn't do it, then maybe I have some kind of problem.
And most of the week, I kind of disregarded the meal plan (although I did try to get more protein)...I was too sleepy even to make it to the grocery store to buy the foods she suggested. I did go shopping yesterday, but only managed to buy one of the "better for you" foods. Still, even this small amount of change has resulted in a growing self-hatred...I am already so pudgy and out of shape, and this plan is most likely only going to make me gain weight.
Today I tried to eat the food I had bought, but as I had feared, I couldn't stop there... I ended up eating a lot of chocolate and just a lot of food in general...and I was so mad at myself that I ended up taking a kind of large dose of fiber tablets to stop my body from absorbing the fat, if that even helps. And yesterday and today I did exercise, but now my knees are sore and I am guessing I will be even sleepier tomorrow.
Speaking of sleep...after dragging myself through an hour of walking and slow jogging yesterday, I fell asleep at 7:00 in the evening and slept until 8:00 this morning... adding in naps, I slept 15 out of the 24 hours in the day! And I was truly exhausted, I think, not just trying to avoid life...somehow I seem to need at least 12 hours of sleep at night to feel even halfway refreshed the next morning!
But even in my dreams, I can't avoid my worries...I had a strange nightmare last night that I'm pretty sure was a metaphor for my fear that eventually, my true nature and all my failings will be "found out" by everyone...that I am setting myself up for failure by pretending to be able to live a "normal" life, when really I am just barely getting by, sleep-walking through most of it and hating every moment of it.
I guess some of this might have been made worse by the news I got today, that I am not even getting an interview for the other scholarship I applied for at med school. Especially after that news, I have felt very anxious and full of a negative energy...I feel like I need some form of destructive pressure-release. I guess over-exercising some might have served that purpose...but I still have a strong urge to hurt myself somehow. I just took my night-time meds, though, which included an anti-anxiety med, so hopefully I will calm down soon.
And my mom is coming to visit me tomorrow morning...I had planned to get my disaster of a room cleaned up before then (she had helped me clean it on a previous visit, and I feel bad that it has become such an incredible mess since then)...but I just ended up watching TV (which did at least make me laugh once or twice) and eating chocolate. I guess it is good timing for my mom's visit, since if she weren't coming, I think I would be more tempted to do something harmful.
Maybe I am just going crazy from self-induced isolation...I've noticed that my social anxiety has reared its ugly head again, and I never feel safe or relaxed unless I am alone in my apartment with the knowledge that my roommates aren't returning for a day at least...and even then...well, I guess I find ways to make myself anxious!
I'm sorry for this post, and for all my previous ones...especially after talking with people at my job, I realize what a nice, cushy life I have...no children to take care of, no real responsibilities or hardships...I probably sound like a pampered girl who makes up her own problems to get attention. Please let me know if that's how I come across... then I guess I will relegate these posts to a private journal or not write them at all. I just feel so lost and isolated from everything and everyone...I am both scared to death of social interaction and desperately in need of it.
As always, thanks for listening...I deserve any criticism you feel is appropriate...
Rose
Edited 4/11/2004 12:30 am ET ET by rosa444

Not a single bit of critisism Rosa but I want to give you LOTS OF HUGS!!
((((((((((((((((((ROSA))))))))))))))))))))))
*hugs
Sending hugs back to you,
Rose
I can so understand your whole last paragraph!! It is like I could have written the whole thing! You are so profoundly smart.
"I am both scared to death of social interaction and desperately in need of it. "
If that is not part of this illness stated so perfectly I don't know what is.
You always find a way to touch my heart. EVERY time you post. I am always glad you post, you always say something that is so intelligent and so connects to me.
Thank you. I know that may sound odd. But I appreciate your wisdom.....you think I am crazy, but you are one smart cookie. Though you don't know it right now.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
That's what this is all about..........venting, complaining, not understanding why we are going thru what we are................
I have the opposite problem as you, I have a hard time keeping weight on. But in a sense they are the same. I am recovered from anorexia/bulimia for almost 7 yrs now. And I thought things were going just great(I had gained weight was exercising, was in the best shape I ever was, finally had a butt) when all of a sudden things slowly started to go downhill..............
I thought, not THIS again. I have lost precious lbs & I don't like it, but yup, in therapy again and going to a physchriatrist(sp) to help with my meds. They probably are not working like they use to. One can become use to a drug I have learned. So I probably will be going thru the whole nine yards again, finding new meds that work. THAT is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO trying..........
as for the food, i know i am coming in the middle of this- i'm sorry i haven't been around as much. i am assuming you were talking to a nutritionist about weight loss. don't worry- there are so many nutritionists or professionals in the field who don't take into account that you may not be comfortable changing everything all at once. i used to run a big weight loss website, and i went to school for health stuff so i may be able to help some. without saying too much in case you don't want my help, here are a few tips i picked up: 1. count your calories- you don't have to eat tofu and bean sprouts (or the icky atkins diet- that is the worst) to lose weight- as long as you keep track of how much you are eating. 2. one way to help combat eating a ton at once is not to let yourself buy a big thing of junk food (this is something i have to do or i would literally eat myself to death with sweets- it is the only thing i even like to eat and i can't stop sometimes!). instead, if you really want cookies, don't buy the whole bag, buy the snack size. or one candy bar. or the small individual serving of chips. if they aren't in the cabinet when the craving strikes, it's easier to avoid them. last, everyone struggles with this. you are the exact opposite of losing it- you are normal! :) hope this helps!!!! if you need anything, or want to know more about food stuff, email me.
Anyone else besides your mom that would help? Or do they think that this is all in your head? Well, you can always post here! HUGS!!!!
But I really wanted to tell you that your post meant so much to me...I think it was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. I'm really glad that my midnight ramblings, as negative and roundabout as they seem to me usually, have somehow helped you a little.
I'm sorry that you are struggling to get enough sleep, too...being tired seems to make things so much harder to deal with. That became really apparent to me today...yesterday I was sobbing like crazy in my therapist's office, but today the computer system at work shut down (thank goodness!), and I was able to go home and take a nap...I feel a good bit more stable now.
I hope you are hanging in there all right, though...whenever you get a chance, I would love to hear about what is happening in your life.
Thanks and hugs back,
Rose
I guess I wasn't very clear about my reasons for going to a nutritionist...I think maybe I'm not so different from you. My therapist suggested it because I have eating "issues"...probably less extreme than a disorder, but still definite issues. I went to the nutritionist with the hope that she could help me break out of my rigid eating habits...but after she told me that if I do start eating healthier, there is a good possibility that I would gain weight, it became hard to follow her plan.
I'm sorry that you are struggling with your weight as well...but I'm glad to hear that you are planning on finding a new medication or treatment that will help. I've had similar thoughts about my depression recently...I have been in treatment for it for so long, and once again I'm having sessions with my therapist in which I cry uncontrollably and lie to her about the extent to which I have thoughts of self-harm. Not this again, I've thought...I definitely can relate to that feeling!
I will be thinking about you and hoping that you stick with it...I will try to do the same. On a side note, I really hope that this post wasn't triggering to you...I am incredibly sorry if it has been. Please let me know if it was, and I will be more careful about what I post in the future.
Thanks so much for your post,
Rose
But you are right, the more you are around people, the easier it gets...right now, though, it still feels pretty overwhelming for me. I am trying to take it one step at a time and talk to at least one or two people every day, even for just a little bit...it will probably get harder once I stop working, though (I'm not sure if I posted about this, but I'm getting more and more committed to moving in May and starting work at a research job at my future med school...there will be some time when I'm not working, though).
I'm sorry I wasn't clearer about my reasons for seeing the nutritionist...I did actually tell her that I wanted to lose weight, but she said that was not a goal on her list for me since I am technically slightly underweight for my height. But I think a lot of your suggestions are still helpful...I do the same thing with buying individual servings of junk food (because otherwise I am tempted to eat a whole bag and then feel horrible about myself and end up over-exercising or other kind of harmful things). My mom brought me a box of Girl Scout cookies for Easter, though (which I haven't had in years)...I haven't opened it yet because I'm scared that I won't be able to stop eating them!
And recently my hiatal hernia seems to be acting up again, so I don't feel much like eating...I know you can definitely relate to stomach issues! I have an appointment with the nutritionist again tomorrow, and I am pretty worried about it...I sought out her help, and now I don't seem to be implementing many of her suggestions at all.
I hope you are doing OK (well, better than OK would be nice, too!)...I'm sorry I haven't been around the board much, either. Thanks so much for posting to me and for the suggestions,
Hugs,
Rose
Rose