a close family - - triggers
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| Sun, 04-11-2004 - 4:26pm |
Lately things have been really bad for me - I've had the same problems for so many years now that I don't believe my life will ever be any better than it is now, and that makes it hard to keep getting up every day. I'm not suicidal, and I never have been, but in the past few months I've been thinking about people who did it. I watched a movie about Sylvia Plath, and read a biography of Virginia Woolf. I empathize with the pain they must have been in. It scares me that I'm preoccupied with this stuff. Is that how it starts?
I posted here for the first time last week, although I have been reading these boards for a while now.
Today has been hard - holidays always kill me, because my family has pretty much disintegrated. I don't have much family left, but I do have a mother and a sister. My sister stopped communicating with the rest of the family about a year ago. My mother prefers not to "do holidays" - she isn't interested in getting together with relatives (meaning me and my sister). So I usually spend holidays hiding out in my apartment alone, waiting for them to pass.
I decided to call my mother and talk with her about the problem I've been having with depression. I wanted to find out if she thought it runs in the family, and I wanted at least one person in my life to understand what I'm going through. It was a weird phone call. First I asked her if depression runs in the family, and she said, "well maybe, I'm not sure. I can be pretty antisocial sometimes." Then I told her I was depressed, and was going to try medication again. She expounded about the differences between how Zoloft works in the brain compared to Wellbutrin (she's a nurse). Then, she changed the subject altogether, as if I had just said, "it's been rainy this weekend" instead of "I'm having problems with depression".
I feel so isolated.
I don't have insurance, but I need to find some medical help. Someone on this board mentioned Catholic Charities, so I'll look into that. Thank you for the advice. This board has helped.

Hi, Martha!