All I want is to be happy again...
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| Mon, 04-12-2004 - 1:59pm |
Within the past few months, now I've developed anxiety problems adn panic attacks associated with relationships and dating, never had that before. And now even the depression is back as well. I started on Wellbutrin and something else for anxiety. It was working GREAT and now, about 2 weeks later, I'm not sure.
I have been dating someone for about 3 months. This relationship is a HUGE source of anxiety for me as I'm trying SO hard to work thru trust issues, having my own life seperate from him, etc. I do want to be with him but I'm having a hard time. He is very busy and can't give me what I think I need right now. But at the same time I'm not sure I want to break it off either. I got confused so to what I really want, I can't tell if that's how I feel or the anxiety. A lot of people tell me to just wait it out. And sometimes I want to. But the anxiety and now subsequent depression is making it VERY hard.
I know I fixate on the relationship a lot. I don't like the way he is treating me but I almost feel like it would be worse to go thru a breakup, I can't have another year like I did before. I won't survive, I just won't. I've NEVER been like this before. I have discussed the anxiety and how I feel with him and he keeps saying things are fine, but then he'll basically ignore me for a few days. I'm not calling or IM'ing 24/7... I'll send him an IM or text every few days that will go unreturned. If you like someone aren't you supposed to WANT to talk to them??
I know that I need to add more things to make my life more busy. And I've worked SOO hard to do that. I'm volunteering, back in the gym, doing all sorts of things. But yet I'm still not happy or feel fullfilled. This weekend I even got a dog (I actually wanted one, not just on a whim, lol). I thought it would be a great way for me to get exercise, go to the dog park, meet new people, etc. BUT even that failed... the puppy whined so much the first night that my neighbor reported me to the apt complex and they said either she went or I did. So I had to return her yesterday. I was so upset my parents had to take her. Yet again, I feel like I failed in an attempt to be happy.
Bottom line, I just want to be happy dammit. I have worked sooo hard to get better and it just seems like I am running in place, or worse, running backwards. I want a happy life. I want to be happy like everyone else. I am doing all I can and yet I'm STILL not happy. The relationship was something that made me soo happy, and now I even feel like that is going to the wayside.
Sorry, this is all a bunch of ramblings.

Phooey on your neighbor - puppies always cry for the first few days when they go to a new home. It's totally normal, and it passes! You should try to talk with the landlord and explain this to him! If your building allows dogs, I say go for it. My dog is such a great companion - I've had him for a year now, and can't imagine being "dogless" again. It's worth it to fight for it if you want a dog. They are the most trusting, loyal companions. And they DO get you out of the house, not just for walks, but for obedience classes and agility classes too.
And, this is JUST my two cents worth, based only on what you wrote here, but if a guy doesn't call as often as you want, my philosophy is to let him go. He'll probably always be like that. Too standoffish, and not supportive enough. Lots of guys are, and I think it's better to be on your own than to be with a guy who isn't there for you when you need him.
I used to be the person everyone envied; I had the best jobs, the pick of any guy I wanted, a social life of an A list celebrity and the wardrobe to match. I was fun, strong, and self confident. I knew who I was, where I was headed and how I was going to get there... come hell or high water. So where did it all go??? I just want that back again.