delurking to intro (poss triggers?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
delurking to intro (poss triggers?)
5
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 9:05pm
Hi all, I've read many of your posts and think this may be where I belong rather than the post-partum dep board. I've been depressed or dysthymic (sp) off and on for most of my life. I was never diagnosed as a child, just picked on by my mom for being such a negative person. When I got to college and started therapy things started to click - I thought. Now here I am fourteen years after that and I'm still battling everyday. Only, now instead of being single, young and semi-cute, I'm divorced with two small children, older and really rundown physically and emotionally.

I am in the process of switching therapists and I am trying meds, but I'm still nursing so I take a low dose. Generally, I have really strong obsessive thinking problems that keep me in a negative frame of mind, cause me to feel paniced and even lead to verbal outbursts. Usually those are angry, blaming or fear provoked.

Basically, even though I have a decent education, okay job and two healthy kids, I can't appreciate any of it. I've gotten to the point that I can't make decisions for fear of making the wrong one and then having 'screwed everything up'. Anything from a transfer at work that is still local, which beat up clunker of a car to buy next, to which local elementary school to put my son in etc becomes a major task for me and I go over and over all the possibilities for disaster with each choice.

I also still can't get over my ex husband and the fact that I couldn't make our marriage work or "fix it" even though I tried over and over again. I feel guilty for not being able to keep my boys' father here. I cognitively know that he opted out of our marriage and broke just about every vow, but in the end I was the one who had to file and go through the divorce and even now he says or implies that it's my fault that he cheated, wouldn't work a steady job, started to do marajana (sp?)and drink etc. Currently even though we are divorced and have been for 4years we have a 6yr old and 14month old baby and he's supposed to be trying to decide between our family, his current girlfriend (who's having a baby but not sure for sure it's his) or being on his own and just visiting with his kids. Part of me wants to bail on the idea and part of me is so desperate to make our family work (not be a failure at something so important) that I'm hanging out waiting to see.

~~~~baby alert, must go, probably good to shut off this drivel anyway...suffice it to say I'm a pretty big mess but would like to work on improvements~~~~~~~~~

-32 who's hoping to be a steady work in progress as opposed to the downward spiral I've been!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:05am

Welcome to our board, Workinprogressat32!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:15am


Hello and welcome....

I wanted to start out with yojr obsessive thoughts, I know how you feel when you get them I go thru the same thing I do not do things because I am so afraid that something will happen that it wont work that I will be a screw up ect.....Well I have started to talk myself out of those thoughts and now I am slowly starting to do things again and I know that in time you will be able to do the same thing you will learn to not have those obsessing thoughts and fears..I have faith in you.

As for your husband he seems as though he is the type of man who likes to place blame on others rather than blaming himself he seems to do it to make himself feel better where he deflects what he is doing wrong as a choice he has made and puts it onto someone else that way it makes him feel as though he is right and that he has no control over what he does with his own self..but that is just my opinion..a person will get high if they want to get high drink if they want to drink you can not be made to do those things those are choices he made he is self medicating again my opinion...I know this because I drank did drugs you name it I did it to self medicate I didnt want to feel so I did whatever it took to make myself numb and after a while I didnt feel anything at all and that was without drugs or alcohol..please dont let him make you feel that you failed in the marriage you said he broke every vow that you both made he is the one that is in the wrong not you dont ever let anyone make you feel bad about being you...

I wish I had better words to say to you but I am so stressed out, just please know that all of us are here for you and that you are welcome to come here anytime thru the good and the bad...I wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:07pm
Hi there!!

Welcome to the board. Glad you found us.

I had a boyfriend for about seven or so years, on and off alot, and we have now been apart for eight months. I have purposely cut myself off from his family who is my second family, just so he can't get my phone number or find me. He wasn't abusive in any way, but he is just not mature. And sometimes I feel that I have failed, and while I know it's not the same as being married and feeling that way, I can understand why you might feel that way. But really, we can't look at it as a failure, sweetie. We tried, and it didn't work. You didn't deserve to be cheated on, neither did I. And it is in NO WAY your fault. That is something he is saying just to put the blame on you, because he can't take the heat.

You deserve much better than that. I hope you can see that and move on. You only get one shot at life, make it a good one!!

Pamela

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anonymous user
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 3:07pm
Hi there HUGS HUGS HUGS.

It sounds like you may have certain resentments in your life and you feel stuck in a place and want to have a bit of a different life? Can you take a class that you would be interested in, pamper yourself by getting a facial one day, put aside time each day to go for a nice long walk?

I honestly think that being deprived of the things we love, is the biggest problem in most of our lives today. Meds can help, but I think they can sometimes be a bandage solution to an unhappy and unhealthy lifestyle...Im not talking about you, its just general.

Anyways the reason Im writing all this is because I think if you altered a few small things in your life, then it would make you feel a little or a lot better? Therapy sounds like a good idea, so I would stick to it.

I hope you will find happiness within yourself, Im still looking for mine :) Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 4:05pm

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((workinprogressat32)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I know my co-cl's have welcomed you, but there was a phrase in your post that just called out to me.