I'm so depressed, life is meaningless

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
I'm so depressed, life is meaningless
7
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 10:08pm
I haven't been posting on the boards for more than a year; it's not that I haven't been depressed - quite the opposite. I just seemed to want solitude. I still do need to be alone, but it's more like I need to be away from the DH,DD,DS.

I am so sad. I cry alll the the time; yesterday was the ninth anniversary of my beloved Nana's death, and that just sent me over the top again. I'm prescribed 2 ativan a day; lately I've been taking 4 (hardly an overdose at .5 mg ea., but double my prescribed dose nonetheless. I live in a small town in the middle of the Rockie mountains. I hate it here. I'm an artsy - this town is sports, exclusively sports. It's also way too far from any big city; I"ve always been a city girl, and small town "cliquenes" is drving me crazy - It's hard to find work, because I'm noone's cousin, sister's sister-in-law, third aunt once removed, etc. The depression is so dehabilitating that I basically go to the store, and I stay in the house. Our house is messy beyond belief, but I'v attempted to create a "sanctuary" in my room. I have a table top fountain, aromatherapy burner, soft light, soft pictures on my half of the room, you get the idea. I can't afford to get anything else. DH works full time and makes about 2/3 of what we need to survive. We're ALWAYS in debt. I managed to find a p/t job @ Walmart last fall, but I was laid off just before Christmas - I'm well educated nad I like intellectual stimulation at work. HAHAHAHA. At least it paid for Xmas. I have a continual pain in my heart that's quite tangible most of the time. The ativan takes the edge off the pain, but that's all. My parents and sister live at the opposite end of the country, but they discreetly ignore my sickness, until I'm hospitalized. I generally am hospitalized once a year, usually in winter or spring. I thought that maybe this year would be different - please God. As for counselling, it's available only to hospital inpatients for a limited time after discharge only. I had a counsellor - once every 3 weeks or so, but I quit when I started at Walmart, since I had no regular time available. Schedualling has always been difficult, since dh works shift, and I have to be here for the kids (dd - 11 going on 18; ds - 8 going on 3{he likes to regress}). I have nothing just for me - no classes, no volunteer work. I can't afford classes (even if they were offered, which they aren't). I've tried volunteer work, but again, I can't offer a regular time to work. DH will work around my work schedule, but nothing else. I started slashing again - this time, I raked wmy face with my fingernails, but we have 4 cats, so noone heard my cry of help. I really need someone to talk to, who actually accepts depression as a sickness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 10:16pm
i'm so sorry to hear how sad you are. i've been there and now i'm recovered. i'm also artistic and got stuck in a world of sports/money/etc. that i was out of place with. lexapro worked well for me as well as meditation (find a center that practices mindfulness) and getting back to my creative roots. buy some paper and pencils and write or draw everyday. the last thing that really helped tremendously was exercise. although it's the last thing you feel like doing- it's the best thing for you. force yourself. it releases seratonin and really does make you feel good. i go out in the woods.

take care

amy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 10:18pm
Hi Joanna.....Sounds like things are getting too tough to handle. I can relate, but it does sound like you are trapped in many parts of your life. The area you live in sounds like the main problem. I larger city with more opportunities would be your best bet. However I know a move is easier said than done. I would also like to move out of the area I am in and there are so many factors it seems impossible.

Have you talked to you husband? Does he realize the extent of the problem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:53am

Welcome, Eeyoresjoanna.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:37am
It sounds like you definitley need to see the doctor. Sometimes we think that taking more of a drug will make its effects stronger, but it can also create a reverse effect. When I was pregnant this fall my doctor lowered my dose of celexa when I got really irritable and cranky and moody - I was surprised, but it worked. cl-ladybug987 is right, you should probably be taking an anitdepressant.

I hope that you can start doing some things for you. You are important, and your feelings matter. Reach out to your husband with words, not by hurting yourself. Get help as soon as possible.

I hope that I haven't said anything too upsetting. It took me a long time to get help. I knew I needed it, but I always hoped that someone in my family or my husband would just do it for me, demand that I go to an appointment that they set up for... But I had to ask for it and then my husband made the call for me. Would you deny yourself proper treatment if you had severe asthma or high blood pressure? This is no different.

Nichole

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:53pm
Oh sweetie.

I haven't read the other replies you have gotten, so sorry I am repeat them. I just wanted to keep your post up so I could refer back to it.

I can totally relate to the whole scratching thing. Well, sorta. I have never actually purposely cut myself or anything. But when I have a scab, I will pick at it until it bleeds. It just seems to relieve tension and lets some of the pain out. And I would tell people that they were from cats.

I get so angry when people don't consider depression as a serious disease. How can a person's family just ignore someone who is so obviously in pain??? I mean, sometimes you can miss the signs. But you said that you are usually hospitalized once a year, so obviously something isn't right, right??

I wish I could help you in some way, but all I can do is offer some supportive {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} and be here for you on the board. You can email me through my profile if you like, too.

Please take care

Pamela

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:12pm
Oh girl, I really feel for you.

It's so terrible when you are isolated from everything that you enjoy and that gives you sustenance. I used to live in Colorado. I really disliked it there. We lived in a small town, but not as far from everything as you are. Our house was on a street called "lonesome." I should have known not to move there from the name of the street.

It sounds like you have lived there for a long time. If your dh isn't making enough money, is he opposed to staying there? It sounds like everything inside you is aching and longing to be in a city. I used to hate the redneck town where I grew up. I couldn't wait to move away when I finished high school. People kept saying, "Are you sure it's the town and not you?" I moved to the Bay Area the first chance I had and was happy for the next 6 years. I firmly believe that the place you live can make an enormous difference in happiness. I live in San Diego not. I love how big it is and how much is available, but north county isn't too overcrowded, so it is still a relaxing place to be. I'm much happier living here than I was in Colorado. I think that we all have places that bring out our inner happiness and others that make us feel badly. Colorado is a wonderful place for many people, but it was not for me.

As you know, all of us on this board understand the nightmare of the disease of depression. I think that we owe it to ourselves to create our lives with as much pleasure as possible. This is how I've slowly brought happiness back to my life. I spent years feeling like life was meaningless. I still have times when I feel that way. But it has helped me a lot to change my surroundings and pursue the things that I love to do.

I hope you will keep coming back to the board for support. It's a really great place to talk with others who understand. Coming to this board has helped me feel "normal" for the first time in my life. Depression is no longer my dark secret that separates me from the rest of the world.

All My Best,

MariaC

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 3:20pm
HUGS. Please keep on posting. Please take one day at a time. There is purpose in life. I doubt myself sometimes, but I feel good at least in that I can try to help other ppl. Please take care of yourself. You can probably do volunteer work on your own time, so that you dont have to come in at specific times. I would talk to someone at the volunteer bureau about it so they can find something that suits you.

Please surround yourself by things that make you happy, or at least that dont make you sad.

HUGS and please take care hun