Feeling Emotional

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Feeling Emotional
1
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 4:00pm
Hey all

I am slowly weaning off Paxil and going on Wellbutrin at the same time. I have been doing fairly well, way better than last time. I don't have the flu symptoms, do that is awesome. But the past two nights have been really emotional for me.

My ex boyfriends little brother, Jeremy, left yesterday to join the army. I don't know if anyone recalls, but I dated Jodi since I was sixteen. And my family was always emotionally dead, and Jodi's mom and little brother are so much more my family than my own family. Don't get me wrong, things are going great with my family, I am closer to everyone than ever. But I just can't seem to express myself and show love for them as easily as I can for my ex's family. Anyway, I haven't spoken to my ex or any of his family in eight months. I have chatted with my ex's mom on Messenger a few times, and that has been nice. But Jodi would always call me and apologize and want to get back together all the other million times we broke up, and I am just not wanting to have that life anymore. So I didn't call, because I didn't want Jodi getting my phone number and finding out where I live. He would NEVER hurt me, but he would show up and start bugging me and I am just so weak when it comes to him.

Anyway, Jodi's mom and I were on Messenger the other day, and she said something about Jodi having moved away. That hurt a little, but not that bad. I mean, he has to move on too, right?? I asked when Jeremy would be leaving, and she told me Monday. So I made a point to call him Sunday night. I knew that Jodi wasn't there, so that was good. When I got to talk to Jeremy, all my big sister love for him just came a flowing out for him. I told him when he came into town on Monday to catch the bus, to give me a call as I wanted to say goodbye.

Jeez, sorry this is so long.

Anyway, he called and I went to see him. As soon as I walked in, he put his arms out to hug me and I hugged him and started to tear up. So we sat and chatted about what he would be doing etc. He said that him and his cousin, Pam and her boyfriend John were going for lunch. And I said that I was supposed to met my dad for lunch too. So I got up to leave, and it just hit me. So I teared up again, and I said "walk to me to door, okay??". So he did. I put on my shoes, and then we gave eachother a big huge hug and I told him that I love him and he told me that he loves me. And then I started bawling my head off, so I left.

So how come it is to easy for me to show my emotions with his family? Is this wrong?? I think it might be because with my family wasn't like that, and I am sure that I was pushed away for showing emotion when I was little. But then when I met this family, they all had such obvious love for eachother, and it was nothing to just go up and hug someone for no reason. And nobody would ever laugh at you or push you away.

Sorry that this turned out to be so long, but I just had to get it out.

I am feeling better today, but I keep thinking of my little Jeremy. I love him (as a brother) so much. I would never even think of hugging my brother and saying mI love you because I would be too shy and embarrased. And the first thing Jeremy did when he saw me was open his arms for a hug. I really miss that. I feel as if I have lost my family. I miss the comfort I felt in that home, I felt like I belong. I was never uncomfortable or awkward there like I am around my own family.

Pamlea

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 4:34pm

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Pam))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I heard two different things in your post, that I think have a lot to do with how you feel with each of these families.