How to support my family
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| Tue, 04-13-2004 - 7:16pm |
About 3 years ago my father was diagnosed with depression. Doctor's say he probably had been depressed since he was a teenager. For the past 3 years, my life has been consumed with phone calls from my mother and ALL we talk about is my dad's depression, his medication, how bad things are. She has told me things I feel very uncomfortable with being the daughter in the relationship. She even told me that there were times she wished she never had children because of how bad their life has been and because of the depression. (That hurt so much!) After her last phone call I had enough and decided to send a letter telling her that she needs some counseling or medication. I told her that I wanted to help her and be here for her but she needed to get her own counseling because I couldn't handle listening to her constantly angry and she needed to stop trying to place blame somewhere. Well I haven't really heard from her since. I heard through another family member that she thinks the family is blaming her for my dad's depression. That's not the case at all. We just want to see her get help and some of her own counseling to help her cope. I think that living with someone for 30 years and not realizing they are depressed would affect the one in many ways. I think it probably explains so much of her anger toward me and my brother and dad. But the fact things went on so long, it seems like she would need some help in dealing with everything built up.
Am I off base in recommending to my mom that she also get counseling? Now the fact that she's not speaking to me, I'm not sure what to do. Nothing I say is what she wants to hear. And I am emotionally tired of her criticism and negativity. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to balance things to be encouraging but protect myself emotionally? It's really difficult knowing how to help from long distance. I've been sending newsy emails every week but haven't received a response. The whole situation is so depressing and sad. I hate to see my parents feeling so badly and it's hard for me not to be consumed with wanting to "fix" them.
If anyone has suggestions on good websites or books to read, I'd be interested in hearing about it. I did read "When Someone You Love Is Depressed" and it is good but talks more about how a mate can be supportive. And it doesn't talk much about long-term depression and how to deal with that. Anyhow, thanks for reading. Wishing you all the best.
Edited 4/13/2004 7:41 pm ET ET by mis_amigas

Welcome, Mis Amigas!
I have one brother and he is not in the country although he also believes my mother needs her own separate help. My mother's parents, her siblings, and others have expressed their concern for her and talked to her about it. So everyone is "on board" but she takes it as a personal attack and thinks that we're all saying we blame her for my dad's depression.
It's also very sad because my dad recently apologized to me for putting the family in the situation it is in. I told him that he didn't have to apologize for anything, just to work on getting his medications right and feeling better.
So it's kind of a tough situation when she is placing all the "blame" on him and he is accepting it. I see it as a situation where there is no one to "blame". It's just a situation where he went undiagnosed for so long and now I think she is also depressed. It's very sad because I see her as needing help just as much as my dad, but she doesn't see it and he is dealing with things by trying to make her not angry.
Thanks again for visiting with me. I appreciate it!
Thanks for your feedback on the book.
I'll come back to visit with updates. I love these boards. Everyone is so supportive and it is comforting. Thank you SO much for the suggestions.