Men and Depression
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:04am |
Now I only get to see him once, maybe twice a week. He does call twice a day. Our "personal" relations have dwindled though. Now I've read that when a man is depressed being intimate isn't usually very high on their list. Plus, he is 44 years old - maybe that has something to do with it too. I've asked him if he is seeing someone else and he said no, but that he isn't sure what he wants right now, and he is talking of maybe leaving the area when he sells his house. But he was over last night, we had dinner, went for a walk, watched a movie, we kissed and cuddled, he did get an erection, I asked if he wanted to do anything about it (wink wink nudge nudge) and he said he was too tired! I don't get it!! And please remember - he is in a depression and going through a lot. I just worry that I'm being played, I've never dealt with male depression before. Any thoughts?? Thanks.

Hi, Iloveslz!
I'm not saying this will happen to you. I'm just telling you the possibilities. The most difficult thing about dealing with a depressed man is that they often shut others out. It can be confusing and painful for the woman in his life.
My therapist once said to me "This man sounds like a project. Why would you want to be in a relationship with a project?" It's an excellent question. I know that I get validation from feeling needed. When someone's in pain, I want to rush in and help. I would encourage you to take care of yourself in this situation. There are two books that will help you with this. One is called "Codependent No More," The other is called "Women Who Love too Much." Both are excellent. They can help give you insight into your situation.
One book you might give your boyfriend is called "I Don't Want to Talk About It: The Secret Legacy of Male Depression" by Terrence Real. It's the best book on male depression that I've ever read. It's probably better for him to read it than for you to. You already know that he's depressed. He's the only one who can decide how he will handle it. He may be considering moving away to try to run away from his depression. But as they say, "Wherever you go, there you are." He will take his depression with him. You can encourage him to read the books you've found and go to a therapist. But what he decides to do is out of your control. All you can do is take care of yourself. I certainly wish that I had done that when I was in your situation. It's the biggest regret that I have today.
Good Luck,
MariaC