Men and Depression

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Men and Depression
3
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:04am
Question about the man I am seeing. When we started out we saw each other quite often, even though we live an hour apart. At first he seemed so happy - even though I had heard he had talked about killing himself. We had an event where he went off on a drunk, and that seemed to change everything. He told me that when he went through his divorce he got very depressed, and he lost a lot of weight. He went on antidepressents, but didn't think they worked for him, and stopped taking. He is going through a lot. Financially he isn't doing very well. His son, who lives with the ex, is having problems in school. The daughter, who stayed with my boyfriend, is graduating soon. He tells me has so much on his mind, and sometimes when he's going to sleep at night he thinks of just ending it all. I've read books on male depression, and to me he does have many of the symptoms. He's even cried to me. I can't imagine this is his way to trying to play the "sympathy" card or something.

Now I only get to see him once, maybe twice a week. He does call twice a day. Our "personal" relations have dwindled though. Now I've read that when a man is depressed being intimate isn't usually very high on their list. Plus, he is 44 years old - maybe that has something to do with it too. I've asked him if he is seeing someone else and he said no, but that he isn't sure what he wants right now, and he is talking of maybe leaving the area when he sells his house. But he was over last night, we had dinner, went for a walk, watched a movie, we kissed and cuddled, he did get an erection, I asked if he wanted to do anything about it (wink wink nudge nudge) and he said he was too tired! I don't get it!! And please remember - he is in a depression and going through a lot. I just worry that I'm being played, I've never dealt with male depression before. Any thoughts?? Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 9:13pm

Hi, Iloveslz!

AcornLeaves
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:43pm
Hi there. Hmmm..its a toughy. From what you said, it doesnt sound like he is having an affair (if thats what you were wondering). I know personally that depression can be very emotionally draining, and therefore I would become tired all the time. Maybe although he got an erection, he still feels so emotionally tired or something? Perhaps you can talk to a doctor for advice or even suggest that he go to a therapist to help him figure things out. It seems like he cares about you, and is overwhelmed by other things in his life. He is probably at a crossroads in his life, so he has to decide what he is going to do next. Good luck to you and take care
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 6:11pm
It sounds like you really care for this man. He's lucky to have you. However, when people are depressed, they often can't appreciate what they have. I don't think this man is "playing" you. However, depressed men tend to be more self-centered than depressed women. He's clearly so absorbed in his own depression and struggle that he's not considering how his actions are affecting you. I'm sure he's not intentionally playing you. All the same, you will probably get hurt in this situation. The only way that you wouldn't get hurt is if this man got into therapy and turned his attitude about life around. Even then, he might move on to someone else. Men often don't want to associate with the people who helped them through tough times. Their egos can't handle knowing that the woman in their life saw them during so much weakness. I had my heart seriously broken by a man I helped through a deep depression. He turned around and married someone he just met. Years later, I'm still hurt that he could drop me after all we went through together and how much I gave to him.

I'm not saying this will happen to you. I'm just telling you the possibilities. The most difficult thing about dealing with a depressed man is that they often shut others out. It can be confusing and painful for the woman in his life.

My therapist once said to me "This man sounds like a project. Why would you want to be in a relationship with a project?" It's an excellent question. I know that I get validation from feeling needed. When someone's in pain, I want to rush in and help. I would encourage you to take care of yourself in this situation. There are two books that will help you with this. One is called "Codependent No More," The other is called "Women Who Love too Much." Both are excellent. They can help give you insight into your situation.

One book you might give your boyfriend is called "I Don't Want to Talk About It: The Secret Legacy of Male Depression" by Terrence Real. It's the best book on male depression that I've ever read. It's probably better for him to read it than for you to. You already know that he's depressed. He's the only one who can decide how he will handle it. He may be considering moving away to try to run away from his depression. But as they say, "Wherever you go, there you are." He will take his depression with him. You can encourage him to read the books you've found and go to a therapist. But what he decides to do is out of your control. All you can do is take care of yourself. I certainly wish that I had done that when I was in your situation. It's the biggest regret that I have today.

Good Luck,

MariaC