tailspin in progress...HELP....poss trig

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
tailspin in progress...HELP....poss trig
5
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 12:41pm
I am so down right now. I went for my biopsy yesterday...won't get results for a month. Something triggered my old feelings of cutting. I know it is not good to cut, and I don't want to go back to that old way of life, but I can't stop thinking about it. I don't dare talk to my hubby about this, because he is under so much stress that I am afraid he will just break into little peices if I add one more problem to the pile.

My step dtr went to her therapy, and I was informed she is having very strong thoughts of self injury. I have seen some of the bruises she has given herself. I feel like it is my fault for not being a better step mom to her. I know I shouldn't blame myself, because her bio mom is a real nut job, and I think that is more of a problem. Her mom has told her she is not welcome at their house, does drugs, lets the girls do whatever they want because she doesn't want to be bothered with keeping an eye on them. But I can't help this feeling that if I would have been stronger and not had this whole breakdown/depression thing to deal with, I could have been there more for the girls and helped them deal with this more.

Work has not gone well, I feel like I am failing at this whole thing. My boss is not very supportive right now and I feel like all my coworkers are against me. I feel totally out of my depth and unable to do this.

being in my hubby's band is scary, too. I feel like I am not doing well enough. There is so much pressure. I have to learn how to play the acousic guitar and the saxophone in 5 weeks, I still don't know what all the buttons do, they want me to sing some songs but they don't like my pretty church voice, and so they are trying to teach me how to not sing that way. I know I am putting more pressure on myself than I need to, but I don't want them to regret asking me into the band. I think it would kill me if they fired me. This is so important to me, and I am so worked up I can't even enjoy it.


my next therapy appt is not for another week, and I don't know how I am going to make it. I don't know if I should tell my therapist about my feelings of wanting to cut, I don't know if I should tell anyone, or if I should just deal with it. I feel like if I tell, then ppl will think I am just looking for attention. I'm not. I just don't want to do that again, and I don't know how to stop myself from doing it. I am afraid that if I tell, they will make me go to a hopital or something, and I don't want that either. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this, but on the other hand, I am sure I should. I don't know how to do it, and I am afraid of the consequences.

Sorry this is so long, I guess I had a lot to get off my chest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 5:47pm
Hi sara,

I know how you feel about the wanting to cut I find that when I am really worked up that I want to cut again but I dont I find something else to do with myself I took a suggestion from someone from the board here and I beat the hell out of my pillow and you know what it works if I do not do that then I work out and that helps so much also.,,I used to cut alot in one day I sliced my arm from my wrist to where my elbow is on both arms it hurt like heck a few hours later and I could not move my arm so each time I want to cut I look at my scars that I will have for the rest of my life and I remember how bad the pain was and that also helps me from cutting..maybe try something like that to help you not do it but beating the heck out of your bed pillow really does help alot it gets all those emotions and feelings out of your body...

As for the band it is supposed to be something for fun right? try as best you can to think of it that way have you ever played any of the instuments you spoke of? if not think of it as something new and different for you to do something that you have never done before and something to learn try to not think of it as letting someone down but of how cool it is to be doing something so different..maybe that will help ya out a bit.

Now for your step daughter, you can not blame yourself for what is going on in their head, I am sure that their mom has a huge role in what is going on with her and from what you said of her mother I am sure that I am right people do not get how things like drugs and what not really tear up a childs insides I know from experaince my dad cared more about drinking and getting stoned than he did about me and this is when I was 21 years old I never met my dad until I was 21 years old. but anyways the thing I am trying to say is that I can relate a little to how your daughter must feel with what is going on with her mom not with you please do not blame yourself and I am sure that your step daughter doesnt blame you either.

I just want you to know that we are all here for you no matter what...

I wish you the best of everything.

Take care of yourself.

Aslo please tell your therapist that you are thinking of cutting he/she will not put you in the hospital for thinking about it mine didnt put me in for doing it so please dont let that thought keep you from talking about it tell your therapist what you have been thinking of I am sure that he/she will only want to help you.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 6:58pm

((((((Sara)))))), I am really glad you have posted to us about all this.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 6:49am
Wow! You are dealing with a lot of stuff! I certainly understand why you're feeling the way you do. Please, please, please, talk to your therapist or someone else you trust about your feelings of wanting to self-injure. You may imagine lots of negative consequences from disclosing, however, you need to take care of you and get the help that you need to remain safe. You must make your well-being number one priority!

Take care of yourself and God bless.

Sharon
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:53pm
Hi sara. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. First of all, congratualtions for being so strong. Wow, you are an incredibly strong person for resisting those urges to cut when you are so stressed.

I think your stepdaughter is going through a lot of things because her own biological mother doesnt act like she cares. I dont think anyone can fix it, not even you. She must be in so much pain because her mom is not a good mother to her. All you can do is be supportive of her, but please dont blame yourself for any of it. Just be there as a helping hand, a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on. If you share with her some of your depressed feelings then maybe she will open up more to you and your guys can talk about it. It will be nice to have each other to be there for one another.

I hope your work situation gets better. Just keep on trying, and take good care of yourself when you come home so that you can be reenergized for the next day. Some bosses are not very understanding of these things..but you can do it :)

Do you want to be in the band? It sounds unreasonable for ppl to expect you to learn the guitar, sax, and sing differently in 5 weeks. Those sound like very unrealistic expectations. Maybe the idea of being in a band sounds fun, but is it worth it if you are going to be miserable? I suggest to keep trying, but if you stay very unhappy in the band, maybe its not worth it. Dont worry about what they think. They are expecting A LOT from you. You cant just change your voice! Maybe they should have hired you based on the voice you already have...I hope it all works out in the end.

Good luck, HUGS and take care. I would talk to the therapist about the cutting urges, its up to you. No matter if you tell her/him or not, you can always tell us :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 5:09am
I have never been to a chat board before, I kinda wish it was a live Chat so we could help each other. I am 30 years old today!! And it sucked!! My husband didnt remember my birthday. I read your post, and I thought, Oh my GOSH thats me. I could feel your pain. because that is where I am too. Not the cutting, but wanting to hurt myself, and just feeling very overwhelmed and inadequate. I cant sleep, I am eating way too much, I am crying all the time.. I dont feel like I can function the way I used to. I have been clinically depressed for about a year now, but this is the first time in my life, I have ever been depressed. And I dont know how to handle it. I was in therapy which seemed to help, but now my husband is unemployed and we dont have medical insurance there is no way I can afford to go. We dont qualify for any medical assistance. I think you should tell your therapist about you wanting to cut yourself, but tell her that you are afraid to tell her, because you dont want her to suggest something you're not ready for. My therapist always said, that when I was able to tell her things, and was crying out for help.. that was a sign that I really wanted the help, and she wouldnt just put me in a hospital until we had tried all the other types of therapy first. So maybe yours will say the same thing, mine was always proud of me for telling her the things I didnt feel like I should.. she wanted me to be proud of myself for having the courage to tell her these things.. and that always helped me feel safe with her. Safe enough to tell her anything. I knew she wanted to help me first, and not just put me away.. maybe yours is the same way. Tell her all your fears.. and see what she says.

Well I guess thats all for now. I am trying very hard to get to sleep. So I better end this. Hope you feel better soon.