being brave
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| Wed, 04-14-2004 - 2:11pm |
i don't know if i can work. when i was in school (elementary-high school mostly) i had so much trouble going- it was just so hard for me. i would have panic attacks, i would feel sick, i just wanted with all of my being not to go. it got to the point where i would run away or hide so as not to go- and i was the best behaved kid in the whole world otherwise. now i feel like that with work. when i work for over a few hours a day, i am actually scared. i feel so depressed and anxious and i get sick alot (with my stomach disorder). it is too much to fight and get through- i just don't know how to do it. i just started this job and they increased my hours this week to 6 hours a day (and because i am new and i need money, i don't think i should go any less) but i had to go home early monday and couldn't even go yesterday i was so so sick. today i am all freaked out because i have to go in an hour and i don't know why it is so hard for me.
i don't want to let people down and i want to be normal, so i want to work. i need to make money and i don't want to just collect unemployment and not work- not enough money and makes me feel terrible about myself. if i could work just a little, or make my own hours, or something i would be fine. i like doing work, i want to do things, it is just when someone says you have to be at this place for this amount of time that i can't handle it. i don't know what kind of work i could do from home, or i would do it. i want to start my own business as a personal shopper but i need to work until it gets started. i was fine with modeling, but that wasn't something i can do forever, and acting is something i think i can really do, but that is not something people can do full time at first either. i will try to talk to m agent about going for more commercials, that is something i could totally do. i would like it too. i will try that. i am afraid that if i don't work and this job is the only thing i have right now that is for sure, or if i keep quitting jobs, that people will look down on me and my boyfriend won't want to marry me. i would understand that, who wants to be with someone that they worry will just drain your finances? i know i can make money, i am just worried not alot for sure. it is so hard and i am so ashamed. i am so glad that i have you guys to talk to and i know you will support me and not judge me.

Hi, Voguegirl!
I wish I could help you more, but I want to let you know that I'm thinking about you and hoping that things improve (that would be great if you got to do commercials!). And no matter what, you deserve support and not judgment...so I will send you many good vibes! :)
Hugs,
Rose
It's really hard to deal with so many things at once.
There are a lot of artists and other creative types out there who pursue their artistis interests, and supplement that income with a mix of different revenue streams.
Here is one model of an unconventional approach to work, taken from a friend of mine. It's probably totally different from what you might design for yourself, but it might give you some inspiration.
Live very frugally. Show your work in a gallery every year or two, and sell some work (but not enough to live on). Present your work and lecture a few times a year at colleges. Work as a coat-checker occasionally to bring in a little extra cash. Run up your credit card while preparing for a show, then pay it off as you sell work (caution: you must be very responsible and frugal for this to work!). Start a small business on the side giving guided tours of art galleries for tourists. Take short-term temp office jobs when necessary, then discard the crappy job when a better opportunity comes along.
I agree, there is a difference with being lazy and not wanting to work and having an illness that won't let you work!
Do you take any anti-anxiety meds? I can't recall, sorry!! But I guess you have to be careful with our stomach as well, right? Hmmmm...
I wish I could offer you some great advice and solve everything for you, but I will have to make do with some hugs.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((voguegirl))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Take care sweetie.
Pamela