being brave

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
being brave
5
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 2:11pm
i feel like i have been fighting myself and being brave for so long. i can't remember the last time my body and mind were both "normal" and it wasn't a struggle- but i am not saying i am giving up, far from it. i have been fighting for years now. you guys know about my stomach problem and i go through times where i am so ill that most people would stay in bed or even go to the hospital and i pick myself back up and go on with my day. sometimes it is frustrating, but i want to do it- i know there are people out there who have it worse- and i want to have a life so i will keep fighting. there is something that i am having trouble with, and no matter how hard i fight, i feel like i need some help...

i don't know if i can work. when i was in school (elementary-high school mostly) i had so much trouble going- it was just so hard for me. i would have panic attacks, i would feel sick, i just wanted with all of my being not to go. it got to the point where i would run away or hide so as not to go- and i was the best behaved kid in the whole world otherwise. now i feel like that with work. when i work for over a few hours a day, i am actually scared. i feel so depressed and anxious and i get sick alot (with my stomach disorder). it is too much to fight and get through- i just don't know how to do it. i just started this job and they increased my hours this week to 6 hours a day (and because i am new and i need money, i don't think i should go any less) but i had to go home early monday and couldn't even go yesterday i was so so sick. today i am all freaked out because i have to go in an hour and i don't know why it is so hard for me.

i don't want to let people down and i want to be normal, so i want to work. i need to make money and i don't want to just collect unemployment and not work- not enough money and makes me feel terrible about myself. if i could work just a little, or make my own hours, or something i would be fine. i like doing work, i want to do things, it is just when someone says you have to be at this place for this amount of time that i can't handle it. i don't know what kind of work i could do from home, or i would do it. i want to start my own business as a personal shopper but i need to work until it gets started. i was fine with modeling, but that wasn't something i can do forever, and acting is something i think i can really do, but that is not something people can do full time at first either. i will try to talk to m agent about going for more commercials, that is something i could totally do. i would like it too. i will try that. i am afraid that if i don't work and this job is the only thing i have right now that is for sure, or if i keep quitting jobs, that people will look down on me and my boyfriend won't want to marry me. i would understand that, who wants to be with someone that they worry will just drain your finances? i know i can make money, i am just worried not alot for sure. it is so hard and i am so ashamed. i am so glad that i have you guys to talk to and i know you will support me and not judge me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: voguegirl15
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 7:15pm

Hi, Voguegirl!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: voguegirl15
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:43pm
VG, you are right, you have been so brave for so long...and I think it's great that you have handled it as well as you have so far. I can really relate to your frustration and anxiety about working...especially this past summer, I felt much the same way. I think it's important to realize that there is a difference between being lazy and having real problems...you definitely have some real obstacles in your way...I hope that your boyfriend and your family see this as well.

I wish I could help you more, but I want to let you know that I'm thinking about you and hoping that things improve (that would be great if you got to do commercials!). And no matter what, you deserve support and not judgment...so I will send you many good vibes! :)

Hugs,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
In reply to: voguegirl15
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:05am

It's really hard to deal with so many things at once.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: voguegirl15
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:03am
Here's a thought. It might be relevant for you, it might not. Not everyone is suited to work in an office, or to work for a large company, or even to work for someone else at all. Creative people, especially, might be better off defining themselves as an entrepreneur or self-employed person rather than an employee. Working a regular full-time 9-5 job is not the only definition of being a success, or being a productive person.

There are a lot of artists and other creative types out there who pursue their artistis interests, and supplement that income with a mix of different revenue streams.

Here is one model of an unconventional approach to work, taken from a friend of mine. It's probably totally different from what you might design for yourself, but it might give you some inspiration.

Live very frugally. Show your work in a gallery every year or two, and sell some work (but not enough to live on). Present your work and lecture a few times a year at colleges. Work as a coat-checker occasionally to bring in a little extra cash. Run up your credit card while preparing for a show, then pay it off as you sell work (caution: you must be very responsible and frugal for this to work!). Start a small business on the side giving guided tours of art galleries for tourists. Take short-term temp office jobs when necessary, then discard the crappy job when a better opportunity comes along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
In reply to: voguegirl15
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:32pm
Hi voguegirl!!

I agree, there is a difference with being lazy and not wanting to work and having an illness that won't let you work!

Do you take any anti-anxiety meds? I can't recall, sorry!! But I guess you have to be careful with our stomach as well, right? Hmmmm...

I wish I could offer you some great advice and solve everything for you, but I will have to make do with some hugs.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((voguegirl))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Take care sweetie.

Pamela

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