Words like a knife (long, triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Words like a knife (long, triggers)
4
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 8:26pm
This has not been a good day for me (and that's an understatement!)...so I think I will post a little (OK, well probably a long) kind of journal entry, even if just for my own benefit...if anyone else wants to read and has any thoughts, I would love to hear them too.

Yesterday I thought the cloud over me might be lifting a tiny bit...I only had to work half a day, so I got to take a nap and exercise and read a book, and I felt a little calmer about things...and this morning I even woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off (still sleepy, but maybe at least on a schedule!). You guys' supportive replies to my last post really helped a lot, too.

Strange how a few minutes and a few words can change everything. My boss was on vacation today, and so my co-workers were talking about pretty raunchy subjects. I wasn't particularly offended...but I also didn't know exactly how to react, whether to laugh along with them (and maybe seem kind of raunchy by association), or to say something and possibly be seen as a prude. I already have a lot of social anxiety, as I mentioned before...so that didn't help.

It's hard to explain the situation without mentioning the topic of conversation, but suffice it to say that I ended up saying the first thing that came into mind, "ew, that's gross!" when one woman was discussing her personal habits. The woman seemed kind of annoyed by my reaction...but I wasn't really bothered until a few minutes later, when another co-worker told me she was shocked by how blunt I am, how I just say whatever comes to mind without considering whether or not it would offend someone.

I was surprised by that...I explained that I thought the topic of conversation itself was pretty blunt and offensive...and that I was just sharing my opinion. But she said that my comment was more offensive because it was personal...putting down the habits of another woman...whereas the conversation was more general. I could definitely see her point, and I said I was sorry...she said I didn't need to be sorry, but...

She also asked me if I am resistant to change because I seem so bothered by anything that seems foreign or unusual to me. Yes, I said, I guess I am...even though I don't generally think of myself like that...it's true that I am very stubborn and resistant to change, though. Then she said the person I end up marrying will have to be someone who never changes...and I replied that I might not end up getting married...to which she responded that she could definitely see that, that I would not be able to put up with the majority of men, and that they would not be able to put up with me.

I'm sorry this has gotten so long and drawn out...I guess I just don't know how to tell a story without all the details! But this whole thing made me see myself in a different light...and to be honest, she is not the only person who has said something like that to me...another co-worker half-jokingly told me that he will miss me when I'm gone because I'm "not afraid to tell him when he's wrong"!

It's true that I really value honesty and genuineness, but this is clearly more than that. I've never thought of myself as argumentative or even outspoken...more like a mouse with strong, but rarely voiced opinions...but I guess I have begun applying my own rigid rules for myself to others. And even now, reading back through this, it seems like I'm probably blowing the whole thing out of proportion...

Well, I ended up going to the restroom at work and sobbing for a few minutes...and then coming back, trying to hide my clearly red nose. I was so mad at myself for what I had said that I didn't say a thing to any of my co-workers the whole rest of the day...which probably didn't help the situation. My mind was flashing back onto images of self-harm, and I only restrained myself by snapping a rubber band against my wrist repetitively until my whole hand was bright red.

I thought about calling my therapist, but I have an appointment with her tomorrow, so I decided to wait...and I already had an appointment with the nutritionist this evening, but I was so lost in thoughts of self-hatred that I only half-heartedly agreed to her plan of eating at least one real meal a day.

Even here I have trouble explaining why this conversation today should be such a big deal to me...I know I am doing some major "black-and-white thinking" in deciding that my co-worker's comments help define the meaning of my entire life. I guess it also made me think that no matter where I go or what kind of people I talk to, I will never be able to escape "me," the person always saying the wrong thing, ruining friendships before they even start...who am I kidding, I think, to even imagine that I might have a chance at success?

I feel that sooner or later, I will cause my own downfall by saying or doing something that hurts someone else so badly, I will feel that I don't deserve to live...that the only way to apologize enough will be to get rid of myself. Already today I feel that way...I hope this isn't triggering to anyone...but I was drawn to watch a old news clip of a suicide recently, and I keep imagining myself in that person's shoes...it doesn't seem so hard to do. The scary thing is, I can't count on my fingers the number of times recently I have imagined killing myself...and I know that if I had had a gun, there are so many times I would have impulsively pulled the trigger.



I'm sorry, I feel like even here I have exposed so much of the "real" me that anyone reading this will see what a complete failure I am. I know intellectually that I need to get past this, that I will have a new start in only a month or so in a new city (which is scary enough...even the thought of leaving my therapist here), and then at med school. But I can't seem to get it together...and I am scared that I will ruin the one serious chance I have with my ever-present depression and my focus on death.

At least up til now I have mostly been able to keep on some semblance of a mask and make it through...but the idea of med school now seems kind of ridiculous, since I can't imagine myself making it there. Maybe I am thinking about self-harm more now because I don't want to face the real possibility of failure...at least I can have unfulfilled potential that way, instead of a mediocre life lived half-heartedly.

Again, I apologize for the length of this post and for not yet posting back to anyone else's messages (I will do that tonight, I am promising myself). I don't know what else to say to help make up for these negative thoughts...at least I hope you all are doing better than I am.

Thanks, as always,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:52am

Rose, I'm not really sure how to respond to your post, but I do realize that you are upset and I do want to remind you that we

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 7:16am

Good morning sweet Rose!


First and formost THANK YOU for you long post! I always feel soo good to read how you can share so much of yourself so please dont apologize!

*hugs             

Avatar for legs2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 10:49pm
Oh Rose, it sounds like that woman needs to grow up. You did not do anything hugely wrong. People are such jerks sometimes. I am sorry she made you feel so bad, you did not deserve to be treated like that.

I am feeling too good. So I will be brief...

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Lisa-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 2:14am
Rose,

I have very similar reactions to people's criticisms of me. I've read that having your world crumble when you hear someone else's criticisms is just a sign of depression and low self-esteem. I have both of those. Many people react the same way.

As for the woman's comments about you in a relationship, that doesn't mean anything. She probably has to put up with some awful disgusting things from the man in her life. She assumes that all men are this way. Many are, but not all. Personally, I could not put up with the behavior and attitudes of most men. I'm always amused by men who hit on me thinking that I'd be the slightest bit interested in them. They don't do anything to make themselves appealing to women, physically, emotionally, or intellectually, but they assume women will want them so much. Most men are cookie cutters of beer-drinking, sports-addicted, emotionally stunted egotists.

I don't allow sports on in my house. I also expect a man to cook for me. I'm not cooking for any man. I rarely can get motivated to cook for myself! There are millions of narrow-minded, traditional men who would be too rigid for me, and I'd be too rigid for them. I couldn't be with someone who drank alcohol either. So what? Every man I've been with long-term was willing to not drink.

But I've found men who have similar values as me. I've found men who are willing to stop drinking and eating meat for me. There are so many different kinds of people. There are many different kinds of men. Maybe most men are jerks, but women more outspoken and rigid than you have found lots of men who love them.

Those women are just projecting their own beliefs about what a woman has to put up with. It isn't true.

As for the rest, you didn't think you could have a job just 9 months ago. Now you have one and don't have the debilitating pain you had that prevented you from doing much of anything. You don't know what you are capable of doing. I didn't think that I could handle a masters program. Of course, medical school is harder than my graduate program, but you are already doing more work than I do! If you want to do it, you can. You can find another therapist in the city you are moving to.

You have already done more than you thought you could do. You've done well in school in the past. You may need to work on your extreme thinking. You need to work on validating yourself. But you can do those things. Cognitive Therapy helps so much.

As for being outspoken, you are talking to the queen of being outspoken! I've learned to curb my need to speak up in many situations. But I definitely have opinions. Sometimes we can learn from people's comments, but still disagree with the way someone gave them to us. Maybe you have high standards for what is appropriate conversation in the office. That's not bad. Not a bad thing at all. People don't like to feel judged, but if this woman was sharing some personal, body function or sexual detail at work, she doesn't have good judgment about conversation herself. It's easier for her to blame you (through her friend) than to realize that she was crossing professional boundaries.

People have different values and standards. The idea of professionalism is communicating in a way that won't be offensive to others and violate personal boundaries. It's about being friendly without being intimate.

Personally, Rose, I'm offended by all of the violence, swearing, and toilet humor on TV. I think the standards of our society have gotten lower and lower over the past 20 years.

That's just my outspoken opinion. ;-)

Take Care,

MariaC