Need help with daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Need help with daughter
3
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 6:22pm
I'm at my wit's end with my daughter who is 19. She was diagnosed with depression almost a year ago and is now on Paxil and Wellbutrin. My dilemma is that I am not sure how much of her problem is depression and how much is behavioral. She admits herself that it may be 50-50. But how do I know which is which, and when it is really depression and not just "I don't want to".

For example, she will agree to go to an appointment-doctor, dentist etc-and then that day she will not get out of bed. She pulls the covers over her head and says she doesn't know why she feels that way, but she can't go. But yet if something comes up with her friends, or something that she really wants to do, she will be there, although that doesn't happen often. If nothing is planned she will sleep until 4 or 5 PM and be up all night.

She hasn't had a job in 7 months. She has filled out a few applications, but never followed up by calling or going back. Even if she gets a job, I am afraid she will not be able to get up and go that first day. She had to finish her senior year of high school on home study because she couldn't face going to school for the last 6 weeks.

I don't know what to say or do to get her motivated. I know it has to come from her, but is there any way I can help? She has been seeing a therapist, but now refuses to go back. She says therapy hasn't really changed anything,so why bother.

For a while she was living off of her savings. She doesn't really spend much so it lasted a while. I know she is near the end of her money so I was hoping that would be a motivating factor. In order to push her I told her that as of May 1st, I was going to start charging her $20 a month for her phone. If she couldn't pay, I would turn it off. Her comment was that she didn't care,it wouldn't change anything.

I know I have made life very comfortable for her here, but I don't know how far to push her or even exactly how to push her. The thought of suicide is always in the back of my mind, and it was recently brought home by the suicide of a friend of her brother.

I am sorry for rambling on here. What I would really like to do is talk to another mother who is, or has been in this situation. Also are there any support groups out there for parents? Any books that you would recommend?

Thanks for your help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 9:33pm

Welcome to our board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 7:09am

HI and welcome!


Trac is the one with more expertise in this area then I but I wanted to take a moment to welcome you..

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 1:34pm
Hi Sunflower,

Welcome to the board! I think it is very courageous of you to search for more information about your daughter's condition. It must be very frustrating for you, and very scary also.

Fifteen years ago I went to college, met a guy and we moved in together after a few months. During that first winter he developed a serious depression. He did nothing but sit at home, watch tv, lie in bed, or hang out with friends who had to come to visit him because he wouldn't leave the house. Despite my encouragement, he dropped out of uni and never went back, though he continued to live in the dorms with me. Through the stress of the whole situation, trying to help him, while trying to continue my own studies, I gave up more and more of my own life. I didn't dare break up with him for a long time because he threatened to commit suicide. Eventually, many dramas later, I did leave him, and he went into therapy, took medication and got a job. By that time I was burnt out.

It's not the same as when it's your daughter, but I can relate to it. I don't think that there's much you can do except help her to get help. But as long as she's unwilling, it won't work. Perhaps a friend or doctor can suggest another counselor, one who might have a different approach from the last one. I recommended two books in another link " resources" that have been very helpful to me in my own depression. Also, in the Netherlands there's a new form of counseling, online, and it works extremely well, better than normal counseling in some forms of depression because the patient can stay at home and log on at her own convenience. Perhaps there is something like this in the USA. I am seeing my counselor tomorrow (he developed this program) and I will ask him for further information.

I know it often seems like apathy or laziness when the depressed person has energy to do things with friends, but not things that have to happen. Friends are a safety haven, will not do anything threatening or demand that she does anything outof her comfort zone. Work outside of the house, dentists appointments, even shopping or walking the dog can be overwhelmingly demanding and scary for a depressed person. I know that to the observer it seems different.

Take good care of yourself and please get counseling for yourself. You need to have a symapthetic ear, somebody who will look out for you. I hope your friends and family are being supportive and helping out.

We are all here if you need us, and feel free to email me if you need to.

Hugs,

Jules