Just don't know

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Just don't know
4
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 9:55pm
Well i'm new at this so i'll give it a try. i'm 17 years old. I'm a junior in high school and i'm depressed. i've had a hard life. Let's just say when i was about 6 or 7 years old i took care of my mother who is an alcoholic. I've never really had a "normal" childhood, since i had to take care of my mother all of the time. it was really tough for me. when i was 10 i moved to my aunts house and never lived with my mom since. Now seven years later life is as hard as ever. all these decisions. i have no friends except one person. i have no "special" guy. i have nothing. Sometimes i can't even get myself out of bed to cope with the day. i've went to counseling for a couple months but then i missed my appointment and never went back. it doesn't help. nothing ever does. i'm very independent and mature for a 17 year old but it doesn't overcome my depression. school makes everything worse. i'm so depressed and stressed that i'm sick almost every week. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to confide in who to trust. my family knows or at least they did but i've been trying to keep a front so they don't constantly bug me 24/7. i know they care about me and everything but asking me every 2 seconds what;s wrong ain't cutting it. i used to be soooo happy i had plenty of friends and we all had fun together. when i became a junior in high school is when i lost all of my friends. no one at my school likes me because of the bad repuatation i gave my freshman year and it'll never end. it's like a battle that'll never end. i'm constantly at war with myself and my peers. i don't know how to cope with this. everyone tells me to go and meet people but i can't do that especially if there's a chance that whoever i meet may not like me. my sister was my best friend, now she could care less if i disappeared or not. no one cares about me anymore. i've been hurt so many times and my heart has never healed and i don't think it will, ever. maybe someone out there can reach out and give me some words of wisdom. i would sure appreciate it ...until then...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 10:51pm
Hi Sweetie!!

Welcome to the board.

I can somewhat to relate to your story. I am 25, so I can still remember high school dynamics. My mom is an alcoholic, sober for two years this July. The difference between us is that I have totally blocked out my past and can't remember her drinking etc. I was the youngest, so I didn't really understand what was going on.

Being an adult child of an alcoholic is tough. It really affects your every day life more than you think. There is a board here in IVillage for that, I visit it every once in awhile. I have read a few books on ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) and it is so interesting. There are a few, I don't want to say stereo types, but I can't think of the proper word, of what an ACOA is like. For example one might be a peacekeeper, the scapegoat, the troublemaker. Or a person can exhibit characteristics of all of them. I urge you to read up on it, it has really opened up my mind to how serious it can affect a person.

Have you thought of trying therapy again? What about meds? I do both, and I know that I wouldn't be doing as well I am now without my meds for sure. Just a thought.

IF you want to email me, you can. Just click on my username, and follow the link to email me. Like I said, I can still remember high school dynamics, and I am here as an ACOA to support you if you need it, okay??

Take care sweetie.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 3:04am
I'm sorry for what you've gone through in your life. I wouldn't want to be back in high school for any amount of money. I also had a very tough time growing up. My dad was a physically and emotionally abusive psycho. The rest of the family was full of rage and cruelty. I was quite depressed and lonely from the time I was very small. I had a year here and there were I enjoyed school, but mostly I was depressed and felt I didn't have real friends. Throughout high school I missed almost one day of school every week. I thought I was ruining my life forever by doing that, but now it's all just ancient history.

I went to a psychiatrist when I was 17. It didn't help me at all. I think it was a big waste of money. I've been to therapists since then that have helped. I think it's hard to find the right therapist. There is a lot more known now about how to treat depression and how to relate to teens. I'm studying to be a therapist right now. I've been helped by a therapist recently. Depression is very treatable. It has a high success rate.

One thing I can say is that high school is a really messed up place where people are put into categories and kept there. It is stratified, cruel, judgmental, and lonely for just about everyone. When I was in high school I wanted a boyfriend so bad. I wanted someone who would see something good in me and love me. But most guys I met were just trying to get laid. I saw it, but I kept hoping I'd meet that guy who would make me feel special. What's weird is that when I look back I can see that there were good guys who liked me, but because of my family history I didn't respect people who treated me nicely. I was attracted to the guys who were aloof and cool.

Life gets better after high school. I know that's a long way off for you. People used to tell me that I was the kind of person who would really love college. I held onto that during my junior and senior years. And they were right. I loved college. I gradually got a circle of friends I had fun with and a couple of close friends. I had a boyfriend for almost all 4 years who made me feel loved and cared about for the first time in my life. I got away from my family and explored parts of myself I had always been interested in, but never had a chance to learn about. College was awesome for me. High school was a nightmare for me. I was suicidal off and on throughout high school. I was happy in college not all the time, but happier than I ever thought I'd be.

I don't know if there's anything I can say to you that will help. I don't know if there's anything someone could have said to me when I was 17 that would have helped. It helped me when I occasionally met adults who talked straight to me and gave me positive feedback about myself. It helped me to make plans to get out of my mom's house and go to a college I was excited about going to. It helped me to go on work study my senior year so that I only had to go to three classes a day instead of being at that stupid high school all day. By my senior year, my attitude was that I just had a year left of high school. I made it my business to not have to be at school that much. I didn't have any close friends, but I had a job that I liked OK. I had only a couple of dates my senior year. I had one friend that was more like an acquaintance, but we could go to the movies and shopping together, even though we really didn't have anything in common (except for movies and shopping). She was nice, though. She didn't really talk much.

And that's how I got through that year. I think that if you ask your family to help you find the right therapist, you could get help with your depression. Also, an antidepressant can help. It has helped me. I wish I'd gotten on one a long time before I did. The most successful therapy for depression is Cognitive Behavior Therapy. I recommend a book called "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David Burns, MD. It has some really good information on how to approach depression. It can give you new ways to look at your thoughts and beliefs. It's really awesome!

I understand your feeling that you are nervous about being rejected. I always have been as well. However, over the years I've become much more outgoing. I used to be so shy that I barely spoke. People thought I was stuck up, but I was just so afraid of saying something and making everyone made the way my family was always mad at me. Now I'm usually the most outgoing person in a room. It helped to have a boyfriend in college. He wasn't perfect, but he did love me. It also has helped me to pursue interests that I've had, like dance, spirituality, studying psychology, and even talking to people. The man I'm with now is a professional speaker. He's so good at making a whole room like him! He is also great in social situations. He's helped me feel more confident with others. He told me that he read an old book by Barbara Walters called, "How to Talk to Anyone." It helped him learn how to make people feel comfortable.

The real secret is that people are basically very self-centered. They care about themselves. They love to talk about themselves. So if you ask them about themselves, they'll think you are the greatest conversationalist around! Learn to ask people questions and listen to their answers. It's works wonders. Complimenting people about things you actually like about them also makes them like you. Don't be insincere, but if you notice people's strengths, they feel seen and appreciated.

In high school I was always worried about what everyone was thinking about me. My mom would tell me that they were only thinking about themselves. I thought she was so stupid and didn't get it. But I realize now that she was right! People are just worrying about themselves. They like others who listen and ask them questions and say encouraging things to them. We all need more people like that in our lives, right?

So to sum up: you only have a year left in high school, so find the easiest way to get through it with your sanity in tact. Please go to a different therapist, maybe one that your doctor recommends for teens. Check out those books in the library. Look into things that you enjoy, like art camp or art classes, photography, tennis, or whatever you are interested in. You can do community classes or camp over the summer.

You won't be lonely forever. I found my favorite poem when I was 16 and it still means a lot to me today. One of the lines is:

"Learn to plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers."

I memorized that poem when I was 17. I used it in my college entrance essay. I reminded myself of those words all of the time because I kept longing for someone to come along and make me feel OK. But other people are just as lonely as you are. I still gain inspiration from those words. I'm 33 now. I am a professional writer. I have a man who loves me more than I ever thought I could be loved. I still have my ups and down, but I'm not at all the person I was in high school. Now I see that I'm the kind of friend most people want. I am super choosy about who I'm friends with. All the people I wished would accept me in high school now seem so judgmental and pointless to me. Actually, they seemed that way to me then too, but I still wanted to belong.

I hope you will keep checking in here. We are women of all ages. We've had a few teens on the board, lots of women in their 20s, and on up.

My name is MariaC. If you want to know more about me, you can visit my website at

http://pages.ivillage.com/cal70/

Or you can write me through my profile.

I'm glad you found this place. High school sucks for almost everyone. Hang in there. Life's better when it's done!

All My Best,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 10:24am


Hi and welcome,

Your post really hit home for me, you sound alot like me I am 29 but I remember all too well that feeling of being alone and having to put it nicley an interesting life that kept you on your toes and made you want to hide at the same time...

Unlike you I never had to take care of anyone, but my dad was an alcoholic and I guess I am in lucky in the fact that he left when I was a baby so I never had to deal with it but it is amazing how it still affects your entire life regardless of if the person is there or not..

For me my mom was never there she worked alot to support me and my older sister but the pain of not having her cut like a knife my entire life I was with out the love of a mother or father, but I am learning to fogive the both of them now and I hope that one day I will succeed at that.

When I was in high school I also created a reputation for myself and I was not well liked by the girls in my school I was threatened to be beaten up although no one ever did but the reason behind what I didi was because I had so much pain inside of me I used sex drugs whatever to numb myself and it worked I never felt anything inside I started to act out having severe mood swings to where I would lock myself in my room for a week I would scream and freak on people I hurt my family so much and looking back now we all agree that I should have gotten help back then and I wish that I did maybe if I did then I probably would not have done so much damage to myself...

I look at my life back then and up til my early 20's and I too had alot of friends and now well I have one friend that I am always with we have known each other for 25 years and another friend that I have known since I was 16 and those are my two best friends who know all there is to know about me and I am learning to be okay with that, I figure it is not the amount of friends that you have but the quality in those friendships your true friends are the ones that are there for you no matter what they dont judge you they dont put you down and they understand you that is what a real friend is think of it this way there is a reason why people come in and out of your life to teach you to show you things that you have never seen before, the ones that leave do it for a reason there is nothing left for them to show and teach you they did what there purpose was and they and you can now move on the ones that stay forever they are the ones who will show you and teach you things on a constant basis with them there will always be things to learn see and do and those are the ones that are your real friends.

The going out and meeting people I know how hard that can be for me it was a fear of someone seeing you and not liking what they see that they will see through the mask that you wera and run away from you that has kept me from doing alot of things in life I took my mask off once and I found love we had a baby together we baught a house together but we split up and I am okay with that now we are great friends I am friends with his wife I understand now why we met and why we broke up we met to have Jakob (my son) to cdreate this beautiful human being and we split up because we did what we were supposed to do together and we are friends because we know so much about one another and we were friends first that our friendship has stayed strong.

Sorry I went off track my point is that you will be okay i time you will learn to live your life not care what you did in the past what you went thru has made you who you are those things are what I call stepping stones you learn from the past and in time you can move away from it those things that gave you a reputation do not define the person you are the things that you do from here are what define you just think that in some way each day of your life you touch someone you make them smile you make them think about things differently you make there day and you may not realize this but you have an effect on someone each day they may not tell you or show it but it happens

I wish you the best and I hoe that I have helped in some way.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 1:16pm

Welcome to our board, Lonely4eva!

AcornLeaves