Thanks...update and thoughts (trigs)

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thanks...update and thoughts (trigs)
3
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 11:17am
Thank you all so much for your replies to my last post. I'm going to try to respond to everyone in this one post because I think otherwise it might get a little confusing.

Barb, thank you for giving me some perspective on the situation. I agree that deflecting personal questions could be a better way to go in some cases...I have to learn to do that better, I know, because generally I will answer any question someone asks me without really thinking about it beforehand. I do hope that eventually I will find a place where I fit in better...with my habit of over-generalizing, I tend to think that this group of people is representative of all the people I will encounter...but I know that is probably not true.

Caly, thank you too...I guess it could be considered a good thing to be able to say what's on your mind...but I think I probably do need to learn to think before I speak. Thank you also for making me feel not so bad for writing such long, personal posts...I guess there are always both negative and positive ways to look at everything!

Lisa, I'm sorry you're not feeling too good...I will be hoping that things get better for you as well. It was good to hear that maybe it wasn't all my fault, that maybe that woman over-reacted to what I said...I really didn't have any mean intent behind my words, although I know now that they could be considered somewhat offensive (at least to some people!).

MariaC, you definitely gave me a different perspective on what that woman said...and I think you are right that my reaction to criticism is probably a sign of my depression. I'm glad to hear that you have managed to uphold high standards for yourself and still find men who will meet those standards. I know that my thinking is pretty rigid, though, so I would like to become less judgmental...but without giving up my core values.

The last part of your post also made me think...for some reason, it is very difficult for me even to remember what the extreme physical pain of the last year felt like, and how it really limited every part of my life (although I do get strong hints of the pain at work or when I overdo things). I'm not sure why this is, and it seems very strange to me...maybe I have just blocked out the memories? Or maybe I'm just not very good at connecting the different parts of my life?

When I do think about how my life has changed, I realize how grateful and happy I should be at having almost a second lease on life. After reading about a possible connection between chronic fatigue and sinus problems, I've started using the steroid nasal spray my doctor gave me for blocked sinuses...and for the past few days, even my usual sleepiness has really decreased. So now I think I feel better physically than I have in about a year...and you are right, I don't know what I will be able to accomplish...and while not knowing is scary, it's wonderful that I have a chance to try to reach my goals again.

But for some reason I don't seem to know how to deal with feeling better. Intellectually I know I should be very grateful, and at times my heart does feel like it is overflowing with gratitude...but especially because I'm not religious, I don't know exactly where to "put" that gratitude, if that makes any sense. And that gratitude is always mixed with (and usually overcome by) a lot of depression and anxiety that seem to come out of nowhere. My therapist did bring to my attention the fact that my recent increase in thoughts of self-harm started about when I decided that I will move and start a new job in a month or so...I guess I deal badly with change and am intensely afraid of failure.

And I know I don't react well physically or emotionally to stress...already my self-induced stress has made my stomach start acting up again, and my thoughts of self-harm are probably related to the stress as well. So that makes me worry a lot about how I will handle med school. But I guess that is a while off...but even for now, I don't seem to be dealing too well...already this morning I basically binged on cookies and ended up scratching myself all over with scissors. I want to get outside in the beautiful weather...but a nurse practictioner I saw recently told me to stay out of the sun whenever I can because of a sun-related rash/sunburn I have been getting across my face (even when I use strong sunscreen), probably caused by a medication I'm on.

I'm sorry to have gone on for so long...I guess the latter part of this post was meant as a general update and not so much a direct response. Fortunately today I do feel a good bit calmer and less suicidal...but I do still seem to be full of a nervous, self-destructive energy...I hope that this isn't the start of a spiral into a hyper-but-negative state like the one I experienced a few months ago. I wonder if maybe my fibromyalgia made me so used to experiencing constant physical pain that now I don't feel very "anchored" even in my own body...so I want to harm myself to feel alive, as well as to punish myself. Maybe just a strange theory...but I do feel so disconnected to the world and to myself...

I guess the fact that I do feel less suicidal today should be a sign to me that I shouldn't act impulsively on my temporary but overwhelming self-destructive urges. And I don't know why, after all these years of therapy and increased understanding of the effect of my own actions on my parents, I should even still fantasize so constantly about harming myself. I feel like I may not be able to move on to another stage of my life when I can't seem to end this depressive phase that has lasted all of my adult life so far. I don't want to start yet another thing half-heartedly and make it through (if I do make it through at all) only by the skin of my teeth, not enjoying a minute of it and wishing always that I weren't alive.

Oh well, sorry to ramble on again as usual. Thanks again to everyone who posted to me... your posts really helped me make it through the day and even changed my perspective on things. I hope you all are doing all right and that you have a good weekend.

Hugs back from me,

Rose

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Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 12:29pm

Good morning, Rose!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 10:57pm
Thanks again, Barb...I know my post was very long and complex, and I really appreciate your reading it and giving me some suggestions. I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't remember the feeling of the muscle pain...I thought maybe something was wrong with me because of that! I agree that it's good that we don't remember...but that does mean I sometimes need to be reminded about how far I have come.

I did get outside some today (in the beautiful state gardens right near my apartment), although I waited until the sun was not as intense. Most of the time I try to combine exercise with getting outdoors (especially when I'm working and don't really have time for both). So I think your advice about wearing a hat and long sleeves is good, but I usually try to go jogging on park trails (I never thought I would be able to do that with my pain!), and I get pretty hot even in a T-shirt with no hat...I've even slathered my face with SPF 45 sunscreen, gone out late in the afternoon, and still ended up with a bright red, painful rash on my cheeks and nose...I will try to think of a solution (maybe wear a hat and just wash it afterwards?).

Thanks also for your suggestions about getting to know a new town. I finally realized today that I feel like I am mourning the loss of my home (as over-dramatic as that probably sounds). Strangely enough, I never thought I was particularly attached to this place, but I have spent 22 out of 23 years in this state, and every time I have left (always for colder climates), I have returned even more depressed. My last experience of moving to another state was pretty traumatic...being forced into a psychiatric ward and not allowed to return to my dorm room even to pack up my things...so I guess that has me worried as well.

But somehow it is a bit of a relief to know at least part of the reason why I am sad. I didn't plan on moving until August, so I thought I'd have more time to adjust...I guess now I feel like I'm suddenly being uprooted without really getting a chance to say goodbye. I didn't realize that I was so sentimental...but a lot of my nightmares involve someone telling me, "OK, pack up within a few minutes, you're leaving"...and although I do have more than a few minutes this time, I guess I still feel pressured...my parents were the ones to bring up the idea of moving now, and they are becoming kind of pushy (or maybe just supportive?) about it.

Still, I see intellectually why moving within a month or so would make good sense, and the job there would likely be interesting. I wish I knew how to make myself less resistant to change...my twin is the same way, has a lot of emotional trouble tied to moving.

But anyway, at least the relief of knowing why I'm upset has, for some reason, lessened some of my urges to harm myself...thanks for giving me that website, though...I read it and thought it had helpful suggestions. This may be too much info (well, all of my posts are so long that I'm sure they all have too much info!), but I don't often try to harm myself...and when I do, I don't draw blood because I am afraid of scarring. Already I have changes in my skin tone (I guess due to scar tissue) in some areas because I have a bad habit of picking at my skin or hair growing on it until it bleeds...but this doesn't really hurt, so I don't know if it counts as self-harm.

OK, whew, I know that was too much info, sorry! I'm very embarrassed about that habit, so I haven't been able to bring it up with my therapist or a doctor...maybe a first step is admitting it here! I also wanted to say quickly that I started writing in a journal today for the first time in months...partly so I could try to work things out a little without bugging you all with every detail! :) But I guess it could also be kind of healing, too.

Thanks again, hope you are doing well, sorry many times over for these long posts (don't worry about responding if you don't have time),

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 2:43am
Rose,

I have a couple of ideas. I have very fair skin and try to avoid the sun as well. You can wear long sleeves. A simple white cotton t-shirt with long sleeves is a good way to dress for outdoor weather. I always wear a sun hat. If I don't I freckle very badly. Also, I want to avoid wrinkles and skin cancer as much as I possibly can. My point is that there are ways to go out in the sun without being exposed to the sun.

Are you in Cognitive Behavior Therapy? I know you've talked in the past about your perfectionism. That's very common for people with depression. It really helps to learn structured ways to change your all or nothing thinking, extreme thinking. You have made major changes in your life. You've improved so much this past year. It's incredible. You can do more shifts in your emotional state, as well, if you want to.

I've heard that pain doesn't have a memory. That means that unless we are actually in pain, we can't actually remember what the pain felt like. Weird, huh?

I think that gratitude is something that you can practice. Just be grateful to yourself that you kept persevering and looking for the answers until you were able to get better. Be grateful to yourself! That's the most useful thing you can do.

People put signs up in their rooms, on their mirrors, reminding themselves to be grateful for the day, for their health, or whatever they want to learn gratitude about.

Emotions aren't things that we just randomly have. We have to learn to focus on the positive and the hopeful in life. So it's OK that you don't just naturally feel grateful. You know that you want to feel more grateful and more appreciative of life. Depression makes it hard to feel grateful for anything. But part of healing is learning to think in a new way.

A few years ago Oprah made something popular called a "Gratitude Journal." It's a journal that you keep in which you spend five minutes a day writing down what you are grateful for in your life. It gets you in the habit of feeling grateful every day.

Just a few suggestions.

Take Care,

MariaC