have something on my mind
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| Sat, 04-17-2004 - 12:23pm |
Hey all,
I have something on my mind, as most of you know my sister and I are not talking, my sister will email me if she has a question to ask or she will text me on my phone but that is about it..and that is starting to bother me I have written her long enails stating how I feel ect...but no responce she will text me if she wants to know where my mom is but she wont try to talk things over with me so I just do not repy at all anymore.
I miss my sister we used to be so close just a year ago we would talk about life in general but as time went on we just didnt talk about anything at all and now here we are today not saying a word at all to one another.
I think about her every once in a while but not alot it is almost like I never had a sister I think that maybe in time we will talk again but I dont know if it will actually happen.
I am also trying very hard to keep myself in check living at my moms house I watch my mood and if I feel a shift I just stay in my room and watch television or work out I dont want to have a mood shift in front of my mom that could cause a huge problem and I have no chances with her so far things have been okay I have been keeping myself in check.
I am also working on my self image body image ect..it is hard at times but I am trying I try to catch the thought before my head believes it but most of the time it happens so fast that I end up having to talk myself out of the thought which is hard.
I am also looking into ways to make the scars on both my arms from cutting fade a little like some kind of scar therapy I guess that way I do not have to explain them away this summer, but I am proud to admit I hav not wanted to hurt myself by cutting in a long time.
But other old habits die hard and for me it is very hard, I am back to the diet pills I want to be back into my size zero again by the summer by the time I go to Arizona and I plan on quitting smoking next week is my quit date and I want to make sure I do not gain weight, and I want to look my best when I go and see Jakob...I know that the diet pills are harmful but they are ephedra free so thats something to not worry about it is just so hard to explain and probably just as hard to understand...I tried to explain my thinking to my mom last week how people think that just because you look slim doesnt mean that you feel great that you dont feel fat at times it is harder for a slim person to feel good because they are looked at differently it is just as hard for a slim person as it is for a heavier person there is a stigma about both people think that if you are heavy you are lazy and if you are slim that you can eat anything you want that is not true I am afraid of food I am afraid to eat more than an apple and a turkey sandwich sometimes I will have a brownie but that is like once a year..
I know I am not making sense I guess I just needed to get something out of me who kows sometimes I just like ot ramble I talk to much and now I type too much..
I am also starting to get very lonley I know that I need to get out more meet people just no energy right now plus I broke out alot I used a different face wash than my normal one and it make me get these huge nasty pimples so I have been hiding until they go away tooth paste works wonders it really does...just a little tip to all who get pimples rub some regular toothpaste on it and almost over night they dissapear.
Well I gotta run and do some actual work I have slacked off all morning.
Thanks for letting me rant.
I hope you all have a great weekend..
by the way where is everyone ??????????????????????????????/
Erin

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Erin)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I think many times, we wish that those around us would understand and listen better than they do.
I am lucky enough to still be in contact with my youngest sister but my middle sister and I haven't spoken in 3 plus years. I have tried calling a few times but no one ever picks up or returns my phone calls. It really is very hard and I hate to admit it but I really don't think about her too much anymore..sadly.
As far as the body image I understand that also..I have never been pretty enough or have the "right" body style...my hairs not long enough..it's not blonde enough.my chest area is too small...sigh..I could go on and on..unfortunately I think that most women have body image difficulties and I think that's really very sad..imagine how boring the world would be if we all were that "perfect" image.
It sounds as if you've come quite aways if you are no longer wanting to hurt yourself. I wish you the best of luck and I really understand and can empathize with some of what you are feeling ((hugs))~~Liv
Toothpaste, huh? Good tip! I've never heard that one before. I'll have to try it. Is it the white kind of toothpaste, or the blue clearish kind?
I think you are handling yourself so well with your mom. The best thing you can do when you feel your mood shifting is to isolate yourself until it passes. You don't want your relationship with your mom to get inflamed at this point.
I'm so sorry about your relationship with your sister. As you know, I've had a lot of problems with my own sister. It is now like I don't have a sister, though we used to be very best friends. It is sad and it is something to grieve. It is a huge loss. You don't know what the future will hold. Obviously right now she needs to be left alone to deal with her relationship with Luis. It's best to let that guy hang himself. As long as you aren't around, she can't blame you for her problems with him. I know it's painful, but sometimes it is best to leave people alone to work out their lives.
I'm so glad that you feel better and don't have the urge to cut anymore. I've heard of some scar therapy techniques. I know that they have over the counter ones, but I'll a dermatologist could give you even stronger ones. I'm glad you are going to work on that too. It'll be nice to feel like you can dress for summer without feeling self-conscious.
Way to go on the smoking quit date. We'll all be here to support you through that tough process! It's best not to try to quit everything at once. That's just setting yourself up to backslide. Quitting smoking is a huge endeavor, so it's understandable that you aren't going to try to quit smoking and diet pills at the same time. Take it one thing at a time.
I want to give you tons of kudos on all the work you are doing. I know it is work. You are focused on your goals. Keep focused and keep us updated on how it's going. It's all about taking it one day at a time. You are do so great, honey. You've got your trip to Arizona to inspire you, as well as your goal to learn to enjoy your life and like yourself. There's no bigger goal than that!
I've here for you, Girl. Feel free to write me whenever you want.
Way to go on everything,
Maria
PLEASE take care of yourself. I worry when you say you are on diet pills again. You are in a tough spot right now, and I am glad you vented here. I am sure some of the other ladies will have better advice, I am just sending my support. I love seeing your posts with their energy and caring. I want you to know that we care about you and hope for the best for you. It's tough with your sister and you not talking, especially if you were close before. Try to have faith that since you were close, you will be again. I guess I don't know all the particulars, being fairly new to the board, but family has a great capacity to hurt and heal. Maybe this time apart will help the two of you learn how to deal with each other better and heal your relationship.
Again, please take care of yourself and let us know how things are going!