What's wrong with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
What's wrong with me?
17
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 9:08pm
Hello,

I'm not sure where exactly to start with this but let's just say that if you're

home alone on a Saturday night typing "loneliness" and "depression" into an Internet

search engine things have pretty much hit rock bottom.

My biggest problem is that I'm alone, and I mean really alone, most of the time. I'm a 44 year old widow with two school age children. I've been looking for work for almost 4 years but can't seem to get hired. My husband died almost 11 years ago and in that 11 years I've had one relationship (if you want to call it that) that lasted 6 months and that was seven years ago. I haven't really dated since then. My mother and father are both deceased and my brothers all live out of town. I'm not really that close to them anyway. I don't really have any friends as everyone I know is married and I feel that most of my old "friends" have abandoned me.

So, I don't work, have no family and I have no social life. I've always been a very lonely person but it feels like it's worse. I've always had the feeling like I didn't fit in or like I was invisible. Needless to say, this feeling only intensifies as I get older.

My kids are getting older and spending more time with their friends so I'm alone even more.

I've tried joining groups like parents without partners before but I'm not really a joiner. I don't want to be a member of a bunch of clubs, I just want a few friends I could maybe go to a movie or to dinner with.

Since I seem to have trouble establishing relationships in every area of my life, I know there's something wrong me me, I just don't know what it is. I used to deal with my loneliness by drinking - at least that got me in a happy mood and around people! But I don't drink anymore and definitely don't want to hang out with a crowd that does. I'm also not really into organized religion.

Sometimes I get really depressed because my life has turned out so differently from my friends'. I've raised my children all alone, gotten through the deaths of my mother and father, alone, go through every Christmas, New Years, birthday, alone.

I'm tired of being alone but I also know that I get a lot of rejection, from men, jobs, friends. I've been taking Paxil for a long time but I don't want more drugs - I need a life. I know it's not good for my kids to have a mom who's alone all the time.

What's wrong with me??

Karen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 11:15pm

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((karen)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Welcome to our board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 11:21pm
Hi, Karen, welcome to the board. I'm sure you're not alone in feeling lonely and thinking that there must be something wrong with you...in fact, I can really relate. I wish I knew the answer myself...I am out of college (and completely out of touch with any old college friends), getting more and more distant from my parents, and not at all close even to my twin sister, who lives across the country.

I've also wondered whether something is wrong with me, and often I have thought that there must be something. But sometimes I think we are just in difficult situations...the deaths of your parents and husband would have been hard for even the most social person to deal with. And it sounds like you have done a good job of trying to find work and join social groups...and I think your decision to give up drinking was a really smart one, too.

There is one thing I can think of, although I'm sure there are other options I haven't thought of...have you ever looked into volunteering? It can be difficult to start if you feel distant from people, but even doing something like helping serve food at a soup kitchen can give you a chance to meet interesting people...and it would also give you a sense of contributing to society while you look for a paying job.

I know there are a lot of different kinds of volunteer jobs, at least in most cities...I am pretty shy around people myself, so during college I volunteered at the local Humane Society and got to enjoy the company of animals and meet a few new people at the same time. You could even look into tutoring children at your kids' school or another school in your area...I know the schools around here at least are always in need of help.

I hope you'll also get to "meet" a few nice people on this board...please keep posting and let us know how you're doing. The women here are great at giving support and advice if you need it.

Hugs,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 9:42am
Rose,

Thanks for your reply. Another member also left me a long reply and I certainly

appreciate it. Last night was the first time I ever put into words how I feel about

being alone. I'm sure people wonder, but peoople are too polite to ever say anything

of course.

The funny thing is I have all of these interests! I love to read, love music, the movies, and yes, I even quilt!! The problem is that I do all of these things at home by myself. Another problem is that I have a hard time following through on things (I can so relate to the quilting UFOs - unfinished objects!) So, if I do join a group and don't feel like I fit in (and I never feel like I fit in) I don't go back. Perfect example - I joined a gym and desperately want to lose some weight. I went I think twice. I wasn't crazy about the cleanliness of the place (I joined because they had a special, $99 for the whole year) and when I go during the day it's mostly older people, like retirees. So I haven't been back. I get an expectation in my head of what something's going to be like and then if it doesn't match my expectation I lose interest.

I can find the groups to join and the volunteer work, but my problem is I always feel like someone on the outside looking in, like I'm not like the other people, or they know something I don't. That's the best way to describe it! I feel like the rest of the world is in on something I don't know about!! I want to be in on it too!

Let me tell you about my stepmother, because of all the people I know I would like to be most like her. She and my dad were married for 40 years before he passed away last October. They live in SC and we went down to see dad while he was ill and have been down a few times since he's been gone. Bev is the type of person that people absolutely gravitate to. She's warm and personable, and has tons of friends. She and my dad were always involved in different groups, social, church, volunteer, etc. and now that he's gone she's still very active and keeps busy. When I'm down in SC, people come up to her in grocery stores, etc. and say hi or hug her. I just look and think - how does she do it? What is the quality that just makes people like you? I like to think I'm a nice person but sometimes I feel like I have the opposite effect on people - that I repel them instead of attract them. Do I have an invisible wall around me? And if I do, how do I knock it down if I can't see it?

Well, enough rambling for a Sunday morning. Thanks again for your replies. I will look into some of the groups you mentioned. Actually there's going to be a talk at the local library by some expert on "cracking the DaVinci code" which I read and was fascinated by. Maybe I'll go to that.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 10:33am

Hi, Karen!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 11:53am

((((((((((((((((((((((Karen))))))))))))))))))))))))


I had to laugh at your statement of quilting UFO's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 2:43pm
Hi, Karen

It looks like you have gotten a lot of great advice so far, I hope it all helps you. I am going to take a little different approach, and I hope it helps a little.

I notice that you say frepuently that you don't feel you belong and that you feel you are different. I totally understand the feeling of being on the outside looking in. I feel like I am not part of the crowd a lot, like they all know the secret of being part of a group and fitting in, but I missed that day in school. Going to pay a bill, shopping, going to the gas station to pick up a gallon of milk, anything that involves other people can set me off thinking that I am not as good as them or I do not belong in the same world as them. I have found that if I psych myself up, then I don't feel so unworthy. Each time I am successful, it builds my confidence to try again.

I will repeat to myself over and over before going to an event or a class that I am a good person, that I deserve to have friends and be part of the group, and that the others don't see me the way I do. I promise myself I will behave as if I belong....Kind of fake it till you make it mentality. If I just get myself to the event and talk to one person or act confident through the whole thing, then I consider it a success. Before you know it, I start feeling like I do belong, and other people just accept that I do.

I think a lot of people feel insecure in groups, like they don't fit in. Some just fake it better than others. If you act like you know what you are doing and know you belong in whatever group, then others will just assume you do.

I don't know if this will help, but i thought it was worth a try.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 2:41am
HI Sara,

Your message struck a chord with me too. I am recently widowed and I know what it's like to lose the one person you could really hang out with. And when you enjoy being on your own, why join a group? Still, loneliness is not nice. You need to get out. In your post you mention that you have tried things, found them disappointing and not continued. There are a few things to consider here: first, you need to get used to doing things with others again. Secondly, if you really want to beat the loneliness you will have to get out of your comfort zone for a while. And third, everything takes time. Baby steps. Coming to this board is a very good way to start. It's a social and friendly environment where we all welcome you and we don't judge. This might just give you the support you need to get out there and physically meet others. Perhaps you could work on this with a therapist too. Choose an activity you like, and see if there's a group. And just commit to giving it a chance; perhaps four times, and then see if you want to quit. It's scary, I know, but it works. The first time is always uncomfortable. But you will find people with the same interests, you'll have something to talk about, and everybody is always interested in meeting new people. And you sound like a very nice person so I am sure that you will be welcomed in!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 7:26am
Dear everyone,

Thanks to all for your messages. I felt so much better yesterday just

reading your messages and knowing someone else understands how I feel.

I actually do a have part-time job (temp) that I've been doing for a few

weeks. The good thing is that it gets me out and around people (plus) but

it also is kind of depressing because I'm so overqualified for what I'm

doing and I'm bored with it already (minus). But it's bringing in a little

money (plus) so I'll keep it up.

I want to write more later when I get home before my kids get home

and commandeer the computer . Just wanted to drop a short note to

say I got your messages and thanks.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 7:36am
Hello and welcome,

I want to say first of all that I think you under estimate just how strong you are. You've suffered tremendous losses and setbacks (work etc)and yet you are able to raise your children and you must be a wonderful mom. My hats off to you for holding it together under such horrible circumstances.

I can't begin to relate to what you've been through but I can tell you what I did when I was separated from my husband for almost a year. I felt so lonely! Alone with a young child wondering where on earth do I fit in? I was miserable, no friends, no clubs to join that interested me. Like you all I wanted was someone to talk to, have dinner with or just go see a movie. After about 4 months of being miserable I put an add in the local news paper and started a "Mom's and Tots" group. I basically set it up so that we met once a week at the local park. Within no time we established a rotating cycle where after our "park time" we went to someone's home afterwards to have tea and goodies. I am still in touch with several of the women today and this all started 15 years ago. Why not start one for widowed women or for women who are just looking for a friend?

I was able to take a bummer time and turn it into something positive because I discovered there were women out there who were looking for the same things I was. It was very rewarding. 10 years ago I moved and started another one where I live now, and the initial one I started is still up and running.

Just a thought and I hope you find what you are looking for.

p.s. there is nothing wrong with you. I believe you are acting and living the life the best way you know how given what you've been through.

Thinking of you,

Tam

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 5:44pm
Tam, et al,

Thanks for your message. I forget sometimes that there has

been a lot of loss, and one of the other ladies suggested that

perhaps I look into grief counseling. I'd never thought of it

before, although when my husband died I did take my son and I

to counseling. But, since then, I lost my uncle in 1999, grandfather

a year later, grandmother 8 months later, and my mom 8 months

after that (basically my mom's entire family within a two year

span). Then my dad got sick and was ill for about 2.5 years before

he passed. That, and not being able to find work, have probably

had more effect on me than I have wanted to think.

I love your idea about the moms and tots. My kids are too old, of

course but I am thinking about looking into interests I have and

seeing if I can find groups. I called today about a lecture the

local library is having on "The DaVinci Code" but it's already sold out.

They're going to have another one in June, though.

My problem isn't so much getting there, it's fitting in once I'm there.

I feel like everyone's smarter, funnier, more outgoing, etc. I don't

stay in my shell quite so much since I started taking Paxil (I

think I have that social anxiety) but it's still hard.

Karen

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